“It’s not heavy at all!”
To which I reply "That's okay, I will lose it eventually"
My friend replied, " I ordered a burger not a dragon."
My wife was dishing out food. She put some salad on a plate and handed it to my daughter.
Then my wife looked at me and said, "Cesar Salad?"
I immediately grabbed my daughter's plate and pulled it out of her hands. My daughter got confused (maybe wondering if she did something wrong?). My wife asks me, "What the hell are you doing???"
I responded, "Sorry. Could have sworn you just said seize her salad."
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: "Sorry we done serve food here."
Mushroom: "Come on, I'm a fungi..."
PS. I know a similar joke was recently posted, but I've always loved this two parter version.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”
“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”
I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”
“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it
“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit ➡Strolls up to the bartender and says 'Pint of lager please mate'
Bartender looks the Ham Sandwich up and down and says 'Sorry mate, we don't serve food here'
Edit; Sorry that this is causing so much controversy in Dad joke world. My Dad literally told me this joke and it totally is a 'Dad joke' in my eyes!
Edit 2 Just want to say some of these comments have had me in bits! Keep them coming Dads! #DadPower
To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.
My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:
Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.
LN: What happened?
Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.
LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?
Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.
LN: What was in it?
Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...
LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!
Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.
LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..
LN: mmhmm
Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.
LN: What did he tell you to do?!
Dad: Call a tow truck.
LN: ....what?
Dad: Get it, toe truck?!
LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.
DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.
Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!
The bartender says,"Sorry sir,you can't bring food in here."
The waitress gave us our food and he started looking the pieces over really intently. He turned them all over and checked every side.
Waitress: is everything okay sir? Dad: No i think something's wrong with my chicken. (Looking at the pieces for a second time) Waitress: I'm sorry, what's wrong? Dad: I don't think they signed my chicken.
I lost it.
Happy Fathers day weekend!
So we're Swedish and this joke only works in Swedish (sorry). We went to buy some food, and the word liver has 2 meanings in Swedish ( lever - live and liver) So I said (pointing at the liver) Liver. He walk up to it and stares at it... And then he says nah looks pretty dead to me...
Sorry probably not so funny for you non sweeds..
We went to get some food at Taco Cabana this evening. My son is waiting in the car because "Dad, I'm wearing a white t-shirt" (OK then, kiddo).
Order takes a while. After 15 minutes he texts me.
Son: "Dude where r u".
Me: "Sorry, still waiting for the food".
Me: "Hey they are renaming the restaurant!"
Son: "Yeah?"
Me: "Taco Slowbana"
Son: ...
A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The bartender says “sorry we don’t serve food here”
The bartender says “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
The bartender says " sorry, we don't serve food here!"
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
"Sorry we don’t serve food here."
It walks up to the bartender and says 'Pint of lager please mate'
Bartender looks the Ham Sandwich up and down and says 'Sorry mate, we don't serve food here'
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
The bartender says sorry, we don't serve food here
"Sorry, we dont serve food here."
The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
He orders a beer and the bartender says “sorry we don’t serve food here”
The bar tender says “sorry sir, we don’t serve food here”
Strolls up to the bartender and says 'Pint of lager please mate'
Bartender looks the Ham Sandwich up and down and says 'Sorry mate, we don't serve food here'
The bar tender said "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."
He orders a pint of beer and the bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
the bartender looks at him and says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve food here.”
Bartender says sorry we don’t serve food here.
The bartender says: Sorry, we don't serve food here.
The Bartender says,”Sorry, we don’t serve food here”.
Bartender says, "Sorry , we don't serve food here".
The bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
Bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve food here.'
Bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."
Bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve food here.'
The bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here."
The bartender says "Sorry we don't serve food here."
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, 'Sorry we don't serve food here.
