Some Nights Puns

Thots and prayers

I looked deep into her eyes and said "I'm nacho delivery service. "

She ended up getting custardy

I woke up with back issues.

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance

And it goes nuts

Know your plaice woman!

But they just ignored them and swam away.

But I heard my chainsaw some stuff

I shit you knot

But it turns out it wasn’t the cat’s pyjamas

It was a gouda brooch.

The problem, however, is that there isn't enough light for the immigrants to find their way back to Mexico. Because of this, the Don institutes his "Early Light" plan in order to give the immigrants a way to see. One immigrant, Jose, is partially blind, so they are wondering if the "Early Light" program will still allow him to see. The ask him: Jose can you see by the Don's "Early Light."

With a silent “cr”.

"Honey, pass me another can of beer!", the beekeeper bellowed.

His wife went to check the fridge for beer but alas, there was none left.

"Dear, our supplies have run dry!"

The beekeeper then replied, "Sweetie, please pass me the honey can."

It was a little chewie.

Then shit really hit the fan.

It keeps me grounded

I said, what happens if your throw misses? Do they become miss-steaks? Wife hung up the phone.

(True story, actually happened. )

I was pulling up to Walmart yesterday evening for a call. As I'm going in the store there is a lady walking out with some items in her hands. In one hand she has like 4 bags of stuff and in the other arm she is carrying a large bag of Fresh Step cat litter. Anyway as we're about to pass each other, she fumbles the bag of Fresh Step, drops it and the bag bursts open...cat litter goes everywhere.

Without missing a beat I looked her straight in the eye, pointed to the ground and said sternly, "Ma'am, there's no littering here." She looked like she was about to cry and then just burst out laughing. I helped her pick up the bag and bring it back in the store so she could get a new one. She couldn't stop laughing the entire time.

So my brother is a policeman and last night got a call about a stolen washing machine...

So he goes to it, ridiculous argument insues between the two parties then a slight wrestling match from my brother and the accuser and he gets nicked. So then my mum asks him

"What about the washing machine? Did the other man steal it?"

my dad replies instantly:

"It made a clean getaway"

I can't wait to have kids so my brain work the same way...

It was LIT!

Immediately after I felt sick and had a vowel movement. I better be careful because my next dump might spell disaster.

I think it was just the one night stand

It was a paneer-death experience

It turned out it was real pain

I gave her the bowl in mint condition

They were just the Wurst.

My dad asked whether I didn't want the escar-stay, since we were just starting our meal.

The waitress laughed; everyone else groaned.

My wife says "Be careful, there may be the odd seed in there." I quickly asked back "Are there any even seeds in here?" I had to repeat myself 3 times before I got the biggest eye roll ever. Meanwhile, I was on the floor laughing.

It smelled fowl.

I came back with this http://imgur.com/9KgUeRK

Dad jokes are the best medicine

It was, admittedly, a stop-gap solution.

I woke up and I falafel.

My girlfriend and I were grilling out, listening to Pandora. The song Some Nights came on and she said, "Oh, I saw them in concert."

My response. "I bet that was Fun."

It took her a few seconds before she shot me an evil glare.

My buddy: "You know... I'm not really a big Italian guy."

Me: "Yeah, me neither, but that's mostly because I'm Filipino."

"It's in the Heisenberg-street.", she said, "Do you know where that is?"

"No," I said, "but I know how fast you can go there."

She didn't get it.

I was looking forward to all the dad jokes at Benihana last night, and I was not disappointed! (Also, epic onion volcano!)

• Our chef says "Who wants egg roll?" and then rolls an egg across the cooking surface.

• When the chef added butter to the cooking vegetables, he threw his bowl of butter into the air a couple times and said "Look! Butterfly!"

• While prepping the shrimp, he put all the tails on his spatula and asked the 6-year-old at the table "You ordered just tail, right?"

• He put one sesame seed on his spatula, showed it to the 6-year-old and said "Japanese diet!"

• Our chef checks with everyone who ordered steak to see how they want it cooked, then says to the people who ordered chicken "For chicken, everyone want rare?" and then he laughed when one of the girls at the table got really confused.

I'm sure there were more that I can't remember once the sake kicked in.

Me: "Hey dad are you free next Wednesday?"

Dad: "No I'm not free, but I am reasonably priced."

My dad and I had a family from down the street over for dinner last night, and my dad started loading the dishwasher as dinner was winding down.

The mother: "I think that's our dishwasher!"
My dad: "It probably is."
The other dad: "How'd you get it here so quickly?"

I was the only one who laughed.

But they just ignored them and swam away.

I shit you knot

.....cause now I falafel.