The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
“Currently”
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
The man frowns. “What do you mean it’s a secret? What’s the special today? Is it a latte?”
The barista shakes her head.
“A mocha?”
She shakes her head again.
“Oh, come on! Tell me! A cappuccino?”
She shakes her head.
“An affogato?”
She shakes her head.
The man is getting frustrated at this point. “Can you at least give me a clue!?”
The barista thinks for a moment, then points at a jar on the counter. “Ok, the special is in this jar.”
“What is it?”
“I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.”
The man, enraged at this point, tries to grab the jar.
The barista grabs it too.
They fight for control and the man wretches it away only for the jar to fall on the ground and its contents spill out onto the floor.
The man stares, “It’s just been normal coffee this whole time?!”
The barista shrugs, “I guess you spilled the beans.”
Needless to say, a lot of spit went down.
It's a Long, Long Way to Tipperary
The son says, "Well it wasn't easy. I had to go to like three different pet stores before I found one that sold toucans.".
I ordered a bunch of loose fancy tea on the internet. Wanting to let people in the house know that I am expecting a package, I said, "Hey, I just ordered a bunch of tea. It's coming FedEx. It should be here on Friday or Saturday." To which my mom says, "It'll have gone cold by then."
The man replies " It's A knicknack, patty whack, give the frog a loan, his old mans a rolling stone (also I meant Mick jagger my autocorrect sucks balls)
Hmm...the plot thickens.
Why does a duck have tail feathers….
To cover its butt quack
Goodwill Hunting
Now it’s syncing.
Off-putting
She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"
The librarian whispers "They're right behind you."
Its butt!
... foreign
Con-descending
Last night I dreamt I was turning my handwriting into a custom font.
It started out normal with basic straight lines but by “Z” it had become a very ornate and filigreed design, reminiscent of the designs of monks in old bibles.
Someone watching me work then asked me what the font was called.
I responded: What’s a monk’s favourite font?
They shook their head and shrugged.
Me: MonastArial!
I started laughing but only received an exasperated sigh in return.
Me: Wait, I’ve got another one. How about GaraMonk? 🤣
Ahhhhnd I woke myself up because I was laughing so hard at my own joke and had to look up of Monastarial was a real word. It is.
..they make me feel even number.
So far nobody has given me a straight answer
and the second turns to the first and says “Jeramy, what’s wrong with you?”
No sun
EDIT: oh my god 1k upvotes! THIS like, tripled my post karma. You guys are incredible. Much love!
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
He went on to shout, “No! Not the kryptonite!” A little confused, I said “that’s Superman.” “Thank you!” he laughed. “I’ve been practicing a lot.”
Did you know that NASA sent a chicken to the moon?
You remember the a pollo missions.
True story. Yesterday he and I were peeling mangoes to make popsicles and ice cream. The peeler caught the tip of my finger and cut my nail just to bleeding short. So I yelled ow! And everyone said what!?
I showed them my finger and as they cringed I said - well I guess whoever gets the fingernail wins a prize!
Grossed out and groaning at the dad joke everyone walked away.
So the fingernail did not come off no one will really get it…but… wait for it… my son (11) in true +1 dad style humor says I’m going to put a piece of rice in one! I said oh son that is so good let’s put a piece of rice in each of them!
I was floored and I can’t wait for people to hit the rice grain while licking their popsicles and remembering “the fingernail”!
Seeing an opportunity to break the tension, I called from the living room, "I guess you BUTTER not do that again!"
Mom shouted back that my joke was terrible, but she was laughing too much to stay irritated.
And I said "thanks a latte."
It was the hardest dump I ever took
He was so brave and even tried to encourage us, the family around him, with his last breaths. He kept whispering to us to Be Positive.
who asks: what can I help you with today?
She replies: I have recently sprouted 10 additional breasts, and now have 12, you gotta help me doc!
The doc replies: Wow, that definitely complicates things, doesn't it
Doggers
It’s got it’s ups and downs
Cats can.
The bartender asked "why the big pause"
The bear replies "I was born with them"
The waiter asks him what he’d like to order. The man says, “I’m not sure what I want.” The waiter says, “How about the duck?” And the duck says, “I’m having the lasagne.”
Me: because hunny, it makes no sense.
I was walking on air!
Somewheeere over the rainbow...
She tells her doctor, “Doc, you’ve got to help me because I can’t stop farting. Luckily it doesn’t smell or make noise, but something must be wrong with me because farts constantly. As I was waiting In the waiting room I was letting them go right and left! Why I’ve farted five or six times just sitting here talking with you.”
The doctor says, “Take these pills— one in the morning and one in the evening and come back in one week.”
After the week goes by she returns to his office but she is madder than a hornet! When the doctor comes into the examination room she immediately yells, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts smell awful! It’s terrible!! It’s like something crawled up me and died! What did you do?!?”
The doctor replied, “Well now that we have your nasal passages unclogged let’s see what we can do about your hearing…”
But I trussed it.
He goes undercover
our signature cocktail is "tequila mockingbird"
Windows
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
