My boss walked in on me smoking a cigarette. β€œNo smoking allowed!” He told me.

Sorry, I’ll try to be quieter next time

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/raumerino
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a woman once that was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She started waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead...

She was waving an illegal fire arm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaidendeck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
🚨︎ report
An unsatisfied chicken lays in bed smoking a cigarette next to an egg that rolls to its side embarrassed

Chicken: Well I guess we solved that riddle

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RKO-Cutter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
There was a whole wave of people quitting smoking when a government body put out a warning on cigarettes.

It was a surge in general.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jojj351
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Cigarette Smoking..

The leading cause of statistics

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manicmoose13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call an alligator smoking a cigarette?

A fumigator

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/science_i_am
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2017
🚨︎ report
Second-hand cigarette smoke kills faster than smoking them, does it?

Then you'd better start smoking if you wanna see old age.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hidoshigo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
🚨︎ report
4 men were sitting in a boat about to smoke a cigarette, when they realized they didn't have a cigarette lighter.

So, they threw one cigarette off their boat and the boat became one cigarette lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I'd smoke a cigarette every time after sex...

Thanks to my wife I've stopped smoking.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iamNotFonseca
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Dr: do you smoke? Dad: yeah dr: cigarettes, Marijuana?

Mostly brisket and pork.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eastern-Medium
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend Ted asked me why my brother still smokes cigarettes. I told him that he was addicted.

Ted responds, β€œI know he’s a dick but that doesn’t change the fact that they’re bad for him”

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Control_Zee
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to drink my coffee, smoke my cigarette, browse reddit on my phone all at the same time but I only have 2 hands. I wish I had another set of hands for this.

I think that would be pretty handy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShaggyB
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m trying to smoke and ask Erik for a light: β€œWhen you take a cigarette out of your pack, it becomes a cigarette lighter.”

happy sunday pun-day

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onecupcoconut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Two men were on a boat and wanted to smoke but they didn't have anything to light their cigarettes.

So the they threw a cigarette overboard and made the boat a cigarette lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glowaboga
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the smoker say when he ran out of smokes and found a cigarette pack?

Just in the nic'o tine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unknow0059
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the apple smoke a cigarette?

Because of pear pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jamesdhanjal
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2016
🚨︎ report
I used to know a nun who smoked cigarettes. Her fellow nuns didn't approve

Fortunately, she got out of that habit

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hylanos
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you.

But smoking bacon will cure it.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Build up at least 3/10

3 men were on a boat, having dinner. In between the starter and main dishes they went smoking on the deck. Once arrived on the deck, the one with the cigarettes figured he had 4 cigarettes but no lighter. He threw one cigarette overboard so that the boat became a cigarette lighter

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpicyForefingers
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A cigarette lighter.
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crinthos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Four Worms and a lesson

A Southern minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol -Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke -Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
No butts about it imgur.com/inl7e6G
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πŸ‘€︎ u/petrarchansonnet
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2014
🚨︎ report
What does an angel use to light his cigarette?

A match made in heaven

What kind of cigarettes does he have?

Holy Smokes

πŸ‘︎ 222
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GIGA255
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I was in the E.R...

This was a little while ago. I fell off a roof, landing back first on a curb (I'm fine, luckily). The nurse had just finished taking my vitals when this exchange went down:

Nurse: "Do you smoke cigarettes?"

Me: "Nope"

Nurse: "Alcohol?"

Me: "I don't smoke it!"

(bonus!) Doctor: "Well looks like we don't have to check him for a concussion!"

πŸ‘︎ 384
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πŸ‘€︎ u/managong
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2015
🚨︎ report
Today I quit smoking cold turkey

But I’ve started smoking cigarettes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2018
🚨︎ report
A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas

A woman was at a gas station filling her car with gas. She inserted the nozzle and began filling the car with gas. As she waited for the car to fill, she lit a cigarette and began to smoke it. The car clicked to indicate it was full of gas, and she pulled the filler out of the car. Some gas leaked out of the filler onto her sweater arm, and a spark from the cigarette lit her arm on fire. The woman began to scream for help, and waved her arm about trying to put the fire out. A highway patrolman who happened to be nearby ran over and saw the woman flailing about in pain. Without hesitation, he pulled his handgun out of the holster and shot her three times. A few weeks later in court, the judge asked the patrolman why on earth he shot that woman? The patrolman answers, "well your honor, she was waving around a firearm!"

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dontdothisman66
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2017
🚨︎ report
A man obsessed with tractors

A 22 year-old man was obsessed with tractors, so much so that he had no social life outside of his fascination with farm machinery. His mother eventually intervened, forcing him to throw away all of his tractor merchandise and ordered him to find himself a girlfriend.

The man went to a bar that night in search of a partner and encountered a beautiful blonde. After exchanging pleasantries, the two moved outside in order to have a proper conversation away from the music. As they ventured into the smoking area, the woman complained that she hated the cigarette fumes which had engulfed them. Without flinching, the man took a huge, deep breath and inhaled all of the second-hand smoke in the vicinity.

Staring on in amazement, the woman asks how he could possibly have removed the smoke from the room.

The man turns back to her and replies: "I'm an ex tractor fan"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pablord13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2015
🚨︎ report
There are three classes of cheerios

There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/R1pply
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
🚨︎ report
The story of my friend Sam

HI I’m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didn’t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldn’t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. β€œTim”, he said, β€œYou have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heaven”. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didn’t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasn’t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldn’t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didn’t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dendari
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Cigarette Butts

So I'm a senior in high school and I was telling my Dad about how the bathrooms always smell like smoke.

Me: The bathrooms smell like smoke and they throw the cigarette butts in the urinals

Dad: (chuckles)

Me: What?

Dad: You're not supposed to put your butt in the urinal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shnauzenbaughen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2013
🚨︎ report
Few years old but still my favourite.

While on the road in our motor home, there was a fly buzzing about inside the van and it landed next to my father on the window. Without hesitation he grabbed his packet of cigarettes and slammed it down on the fly. My dad then proceeded to say "Smoking Kills" and continued driving.

Just something I remember from when I was younger. Ah, good times.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSeanicles
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2015
🚨︎ report
Asked my friend about his smoking habit.

I asked him if he smokes his cigarettes with applewood or hickory. He laughed but the people around us didn't.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudewiththebling
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2016
🚨︎ report
Childless uncle jokes

Uncle observes "no smoking" sign.

He's a smoker.

Pulls out two cigarettes.

I remind him he can't smoke.

Puts a cigarette in each nostril, turns to me and says;

"nose smoking"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/horrible_jokes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2013
🚨︎ report
Wife set me up for a perfect combo last night.

In conversation with friends she said.

"My grandpa died of lung cancer and he didn't smoke a day in his life."

"Of course not, he smoked cigarettes."

Eye roll "no, he worked in the mines."

"That's why they don't sell cigarettes to miners."

Groan "you see what I have to put up with."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FetusChrist
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Father-in-law comments on a little person

I was getting dropped off at school with my now wife by my now father-in-law. There was a little person on campus who happened to pass in front of our car while smoking a cigarette as we were getting ready to get out.

>Wife: "There's the LP who is in my African American studies class. She always has a cigarette in her hand."

>Father-in-law: "She should be careful; it may stunt her growth."

>Me: smirk

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonViking
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2014
🚨︎ report
Looking through the top posts.

I have been looking through the top post when I came across one that said "what do you get when you pull a cigarette out of the pack? A cigarette lighter" hahaha right? I tell my friends about it since we all smoke and groans all around. About an hour later and a few beers I ask for a lighter since I had lost mine. My buddy (his name is actually buddy) says "yeah man pull your cig out" so I do. "What do you have?" "An unlit cigarette" I tell him" no a cigarette lighter!" Laughs all around.

Tl;Dr. I got dad joked by a dad after I told him the original dad joke just prior.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dokwilson74
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2015
🚨︎ report
Q: What's the past tense of "break"?

A: Broke

Q: What do people do with cigars and cigarettes?

A: Smoke

Q: What do you call a funny story that's supposed to make someone laugh?

A: Joke

Q: What's the most popular brand of cola in the world?

A: Coke

Q: What do you call the white of an egg?

A: Yolk.

No, it's the albumen.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eldormilon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
🚨︎ report
They're pretty smelly too.

Scene: Before practice with my band, my drummer and I occasionally sit on the balcony and smoke a cigarette. It's extremely windy and we began to talk about our jackets.

Me: This is why I love my jacket. It keeps me incredibly warm

Drummer: Does it break wind?

Me: Yeah, it's really embarrassing when it decides to fart in public.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSascrotch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2014
🚨︎ report
Researchers say that cigarette smoking is the leading cause

Of statistics

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manicmoose13
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report

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