Slice Of Pizza Puns

You get really full.

What, were you expecting a pie joke on my cake day?

Pepperlonely.

And my dad says, "They let you buy a slice of pizza at Whole Foods? I thought they only sold whole foods!"

Context: Whole Foods is a local grocery store in my area, in case that wasn't known/clear

I work in a bar as a doorman, so I check IDs all night. The night before Halloween I had a group of people come in the wrong entrance so I had to wander to them to get said documentation. Upon approaching a dancing slice of pizza and giving her the usual, "ID please" line, she responded, " I don't have ID, I am a slice of pizza. " By some sort of divine inspiration my instant response was, "will this is a bar not a restaurant, we don't serve pizza.". Her entire group collectively groaned, I got to see her ID the night was saved. One dad joke at a time.

While eating pizza for my daughter's birthday...

Daughter: "Daddy, I'm 5. Were you five when you were small like me? But then you turned six."

Me: "Yes, but then I went to the doctor and got better."

wife eyes start rolling

Daughter: "Daddy, I want be eight."

Me:"So does that slice of pizza"

My wife dropped her slice and buried her face in her hands. I think she was trying to keep her eyes from falling out.

Bought some pizza slices and while I was filling up my drink from the soda fountain, there was a family of four talking about, of all things, medical professions. The daughter at the table said she thought a proctologist was basically a pervert since they'd be focused on butts all day every day.

The mom explained that you wouldn't call a heart surgeon who uses tools to literally crack open a person's chest cavity and muck around with things a serial killer, so why would you call a doctor who specializes in proctology a pervert?

The dad then chimed in "No that's not right... a serial killer is someone who uses Captain Crunch to murder another person!"

Silence at the table, and the daughter groaned rather loudly. I happened to make eye contact with the dad and just smirked and nodded, which made him beam, and walked out the door to hear him say "Right? Right guys?"

Well done, sir.

MAN LAWS

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss' car.

(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding

We're at her dad's birthday, and I was sitting in the living room with her, her dad, and two of his three brothers. We had just started eating (pizza and pasta) when my girlfriend's third uncle arrives. I had two slices on my plate, one pepperoni, and one garbage (olives, onions, meat, basically everything on it). Uncle #3 comes in, greets everyone, and says "How's the pizza tasting?" to which I replied

..."it's garbage."

I think she wants to be single but they all appreciated it.

We were slicing olives for the pizza when my dad asked how many we needed. I chimed in "olive them". Due to the frequency of dad jokes in the household for the last 35 years, nobody reacted. However, when my mom asked "does that look good" after spreading the olives out, my dad said "Olive with that" and we all facepalmed. Well played, dad.

( dad to waitress): I'll have the pizza. But instead of cutting it in six, can you cut it in two? I don't think I can eat six slices today.