Skip Beat! Puns

It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.

Stepmom: So are you thinking about studying abroad? Dad interjects from the next room: He already is! And her name's (girlfriend's name here).

Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”

Sorry, It’s not a good hearted joke.

"Huh. Must be from all that flying you did"

My husband and I finally finished decorating the Christmas tree tonight. There’s always a star and we forgot to grab the box from the basement. I said to my husband, “What about the star?” Without skipping a beat, he says, “It’s 2020. Zero stars.”

But when it does, no one is shocked.

Guy (being bugged by his kids in the background) replies, “Yeah, can I put 9 and 12 year olds in your recycle containers?” I replied, without skipping a beat, “Oh, no. I’m so sorry, We JUST stopped accepting those ages. We are currently taking 8 and 10 year olds.”

I showed her the post of the front page of the petrified opal tree trunks and without skipping a beat she said, “ gosh, I wonder what they are so scared of?” Took me a minute to realize. She got me good.

Before our hike, my wife offered my sister-in-law some fruit. She said "no thanks, I had a pear on the way here."

Without skipping a beat, I said "you mean you came pre-peared?"

She told me she had everything, and I was in a rush. So it got left behind. Figured it out right away as we were getting him changed and messaged my wife. She said she would bring it right away. I told my son "You mom is going to run your jersey over"

Without skipping a beat, he replied "Well that won't work, practice will probably be over. I wish she would just drive it over"

Then he gave me a huge grin. I told him he won the dad joke of the day and he continued smiling all the way until bedtime.

She asked me to make the coffee and I said okay. She then says "you know it says in the Bible that man should make the coffee." I said "oh I didn't know that where?" Without skipping a beat she says Hebrews.

Last family picnic my sister in law made a really good fruit salad. I was talking with her an my spouse’s aunt about it. SIL was saying how she’d gotten a mini pineapple and mini watermelon for the salad.

The aunt asks “where’s you get all these mini fruit”

Without skipping a beat I reply “the minimart!”

Posted this on r/Talesfromretail and it was suggested I post here.

I used to work in store where we would ask customers if they had an account number at the check out. The number would be put in manually before putting the shopping through and the customer would get back one penny on every pound they spent.

One day a family who I hadn't seen before came in and while the mum and kids wandered off to start shopping. The dad came over to the side of my till while I was serving customers, announced his account number and then ran off to join his family without saying anything else. OK, that was weird, I went on serving.

About 10 minutes later the family are queued for my till. When it comes to the point where I should ask for their number the dad grins at me and I realise what's going on. Fortunately, I have a bizarrely good memory for numbers and, without skipping a beat, I reel off the one he gave me when he came in the store. The kids both gasp and their eyes go wide. They look at their dad in awe.

As I'm putting through the shopping, I hear the dad say:

>See? I told you they were psychic.

While waiting for the final song of my niece's orchestra concert to begin the conductor turns to the audience and says "one moment please, we are missing our basoonist." Without skipping a beat I say "WELL HE BETTER GET HERE SOONIST!" My family was unimpressed.

At an outdoor ice cream place when a person gets handed their banana split. Promptly drops his order on the ground and without skipping a beat my brother says "Looks like he got a banana splat."

I was the only family member to laugh

My grandfather, in his younger days, retired from his NASCAR dreams to do construction so he could raise a family. Fast forward 45 years to 1994. I was around 15. My grandfather, grandmother, her mother, and I were on the return trip from the Costco and liquor store just inside the no sales tax state of Oregon. My grandfather was, as usual, driving. He raced for Lincoln and they sponsored him so they gave him a really good lifetime discount. He drove a brand new Continental his entire life. He always raced down to Oregon as fast as he could and then tried beating his time while driving back. Suddenly, at about 140mph, a Pheasant committed suicide on the front end. We could see feathers occasionally come loose. Grandpa already had a couple minutes to make up. Needless to say, despite my grandma's insistance, stopping to investigate wasn't in the plans. When we got home, he was cussing an ill timed traffic light with a bored motorcycle cop parked on the sidewalk waiting for his target. My grandma and great grandma nearly died when, without batting an eye, grandpa pulled the Pheasant off the car, grabbed his Gerber knife, and stripped, cleaned, and threw the bird on the BBQ. I was in dying from laughter at this point. Grandma and my great grandma were dying from embarrassment. He offered them some and grandma angrily refused for the 3 of us, calling it road kill. Without skipping a beat, he calmly replied "This isn't road kill, it's Continental Wild Pheasant, Twice-Grilled."

As I'm packing my car with my gf's clothes and things, her dad comes to help and talks to me for a bit.

Her dad: "What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?"

Me: Having read this one a few days prior on here, I reply, "Beer nuts are a buck fifty and deer nuts are under a buck" without skipping a beat.

Her dad: "I think we just broke some sort of protocol"

We both are grinning like crazy and my gf just shakes her head and gets in the car.

Without skipping a beat my husband responds “I thought it was spaghetti?”

Her friend had come along with us to the buffet and was eating something that I can't quite remember now, but she ends up asking "where is the duck sauce?" To which my mom, without even skipping a beat, blurted out the following words with not a single emotion on her face, "probably next to the quackers". I almost choked on my food I was laughing so hard. Love you mom

No one notices for a minute or two until my dad catches sight of it.

"Oh H! You got a bit of metal in your ear."

Mum starts fussing straight away but quickly calms down.

"Where'd you get it done?" She asks.

Without skipping a beat dad says.

"In his left ear"

My wife was complaining of constipation- when in reality she was in labor. "Can you pick me up an enema or suppository?"

Without skipping a beat, I said "of course- sit tight!"

Staff members told me that the dwarf seahorse was quite small.

I didn't skip a beat, stating "yeah, he's a bit shrimpy".

So a little backstory, my parents take the dog for a walk every night. My mom is in college (lol napoleon dynamite) and she takes a marine biology class.

So they were on one of those walks last night, and they were talking about ants. My mom's question was whether or not ants sleep. My dad replies saying, "Why are you asking me? You're the one in a biology class." To which she replied, "I'm in a marine biology class, I don't think there are any marine ants."

Without skipping a beat, my dad came up with the most incredible response...

"Why can't there be marine ants? We already have army ants."

I was being my usual dad witty self today when my wife and I were talking about how much food we had grilled this weekend for meals for the week. I told my wife that she was just using me for my grill.

Without skipping a beat, my son said, "she's a grill digger."

So we are playing dnd and our Catfolk Barbarian gets sick from being bitten from a giant tick a few days ago. She's pretty salty about it because it's made her physically weaker and she can't hit thing as well. The GM (her dad) says "She is sick with a disease that's like an extreme form of lime disease." "My God". I said "It's Lemon Disease." Without skipping a beat the GM says, "Yes. And it's made a sour puss."

We all die.

Not paying attention, I nearly dropped the skull. Without skipping a beat, I said "Whew, nearly lost my head for a second there!"

Sitting at the dinner table my son(4), says to my other younger son(3),

"I'm not hungry, I'm tired"

To which my youngest replies without skipping a beat,

"Hi tired, I'm Dylan"

I could cry.......

I was slicing some Genoa salami at work and I asked my boss if genoa was pork-based. Without skipping a beat he replied, "Yes it is, didn't genoa that?" We both had a hearty chuckle.

Was working on a high end home, just trying to hide a wire that went out to a wine cooler, and my boss accidentally pulls the cord out and says,

"Sorry fridge!"

Without skipping a beat, I reply,

"Don't worry, it's cool!"

I'm no dad, but he is, and he thought it was hilarious, and that he would tell his wife that one later.

My Dad was in the process of renting a car at the airport when the agent asked if he wanted to upgrade to Sirius™ radio. Without skipping a beat, my dad responded: "No thanks, I think we'll stick with the lighthearted radio today."

It went right over the agent's head.

My wife, our boy and I were taking a walk today, with me and him up front and mom trailing behind. She started gaining on us, so I said, "Hurry, mom's right on our tails!"

Without skipping a beat he looks at me and says, "Ow ow she's on our tails!"

His mom and I had quite a good chuckle.

She comes over and introduces herself as April. Without skipping a beat dad says "Well that's next month". Facepalming insues.

My dad, without skipping a beat, stands up and sideways. He points to his furthest ear to my brother and says "well this one's your back ear.." and then points to his other ear and says "and this one is your frontier!"

He laughed so hard he almost passed out.

My roommate's girlfriend is currently participating in a study abroad program in Seoul, SK. She had posted something to my Facebook wall and my dad asked me over the phone what she is doing overseas. I told him and he asked what she studies. I said international affairs and without skipping a beat he said "Ah, I see: Boyfriend here, boyfriend there..."

Walking to the car and we both noticed the moon was unusually large, so I ask him "Is that a new moon?"

His reply without skipping a beat "No, I'm sure it's been there a while."

She came over to my house for a bit tonight and were getting kinda frisky. Her glasses fell off the top of her head and got tangled in her hair and we had to stop to get them out. When she finally did, she said "Sorry my hairs a little knotty." Without skipping a beat i said "I love it when you're 'knotty'." Que the end of frisky times. Worth it.

Snow storm coming soon. SiL: "What should I get at the food store in case the power goes out?"

Dad: "Power Bars!!"

Without skipping a beat!

He now works from home and without skipping a beat every day before he starts working, "Man, traffic was a mess today"

Back when I were a young whippersnapper, we had a woodworking project to create something that would let us display a small object.

After a few minutes of the teacher asking us what we would display, and a large number of frankly stupid responses, he told us to stop shouting out. Then someone suggested they display some scissors. He asked "Why would you want to display some scissors?!"

Without skipping a beat I yelled out "To display the cutting edge of technology!"

I can still see him staring at me now!

When he spotted a jellyfish stuck between two rocks and, without skipping a beat, pointed and said "Looks like we have a jelly in a jam in a preserve."

My daughter was happily singing "We Wish you a Merry Christmas" in the bath, for 'tis the season. My wife returned home and from downstairs called "I can hear some beautiful singing from somewhere!"

Me: "Yes, I think we have a siren in the bath!"

Daughter, without skipping a beat: "Nee naa, nee naa, nee naa!"

Growing up, my father loved to make jokes about me and pick on me. And after he makes his witty joke in front of his friends I'd respond with "ah you got jokes"

Without skipping a beat he responds

"And you've got a face, we both make people laugh"

So My dad and I went out to grab some lunch today and we got some food from the grocery store. At the register the cashier asks "Do you wan't a bag" and my father, without skipping a beat, says "That depends, does she work?". Woosh, right over the cashiers head. He was majorly confused and we walked away laughing.

I was showing my wife and sister in law this video of a girl that had painted pants on and walked through NY. At the end it showed a close up of the front and you couldn't even tell it was a bare vagina, it just looked like jeans. My wife shakes her head and says "That's nuts!" And without skipping a beat my SIS says "no, I'm pretty sure that's a vagina".

me and my friend are in my basement having chips and salsa and cheese. my friend spills some cheese on our carpet and my dad walking by, without skipping a beat, says, "That is not o-queso"

When I was very young I brought my dad string and a Walmart bag Me: "Dad, can you make me a parachute?" Dad: without skipping a beat "POOF! You're a parachute."

My dad and his brother didn't skip a beat when I was talking to them about it.

Dad: "What's her name?"

Uncle talking to me about it later: "So, when are you going to go study that broad?"

Eating at Mickey D's with the family, all the kids are eating Happy Meals. My wife says: "Honey (exclaiming towards my oldest son) he's still hungry." Without skipping a beat I turn towards him and say: "HI still hungry, nice to meet you!

Of course I'm the only one laughing my butt off! While the wife and teenage daughter gave me the eye roll

I was sitting at the kitchen table earlier today eating lunch when my dad let out a echoing fart.

I told him "Dad I'm eating lunch"

He looked at me deadpan and without skipping a beat said "Oh don't worry you're not bothering me."

While waiting for the final song of my niece's orchestra concert to begin the conductor turns to the audience and says "one moment please, we are missing our bassoonist."

Without skipping a beat I say "WELL HE BETTER GET HERE SOONIST!"

My family was unimpressed.