Sit Next To Me Puns

The guy who sits next to me in calc was staring intently at his lemonade bottle and he says, "This says it's not from concentrate. We'll see how long that lasts."

..it's a brand-new Rolex."

he said NaBro

“What? Did you fart too?”

On the other side was someone doing the same, and behind me was a person on a full drum kit. In the car in front was a guy with a mic screaming out some kind of song. None of the cars were moving, they were all just rocking out playing music. It was at that moment that I realised I was stuck in the middle of a traffic jam.

I asked if he tried to lengthen it.

"What seat do you have? ...oh, 19-F? Well everyone will see me in 3-D."

Soo.. a little background: my mother was about to visit for a walk outside the next day when this dialogue happened; also: my native language is german and i don't know if this very common in english as well, but my daughter calls my mother <stgm_at's-mother-first-name>-gramma. for the sake of this post let's assume her name is elizabeth.

so here goes...

(i enter the living room; wife & daughter sitting on the couch)

daughter: (in a moderately excited voice) hey dad, you know who's going to visit us tomorrow?

me: (acting as if i didn't know) don't know, who?

daughter: elizabeth-gramma.

me: huh, really, but do you know who is also going to visit us?

(daughter looks at me even more excited, there was defenitely a twinkle in her eye; wife looks at me sceptical)

daughter: don't know, who?

me: my mum.

(cue rolling eyes and groan from my wife and laughter from my daughter)

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

“Yes of course” replied Trevor

I was on the couch, visiting with family. My niece is about 2 or 3. She grabs my hand and says "Ewwwwwwwwwww"

Confused, I responded "Eww?"

And as if on cue, she looks down and spits directly into my palm, with a small piece of food for good measure.

Ah...."Eww."

Her dad sitting next to me on the ps4 looks over and asked what happened. I explained what happened and we both laughed. I'm not even mad, I'm impressed. It wouldn't surprise me if she becomes a stand up comic one day, or at least the class clown.

The neighboring store front and exterminator van in the opening credits have the best punny business names and always crack me up. I'm a fan and would love to name my business in a similar fashion. ETA Examples: I'd Hit That Boxing Gym. Lady and the Clamp, Hardware for Her. A Fridge Too Far. Cupid's Stupid, Divorce Attorneys. A Ton in the Oven, Big and Tall Baby Clothes. Let's Scissor! Collage Studio. Don't Stop Bereaving, Grief Counseling.

But I am So. Stuck.

A little background about my business idea: I'm a personal/sometimes virtual assistant specializing in household admin and management. I'm marketing mostly towards blue collar men who might be widows/divorcees who never had to worry about the general finances and household paperwork. Some of the services offered are: budget setting, bill paying, appointment setting/calendar management, travel arrangements, errands, personal & grocery shopping, pet & house sitting, etc...

I'm ready to take the next steps in making this an actual business and take out some ad space, but the perfectionist in me NEEDS a brilliant name. Can someone please help me? The best I can come up with is some sort of play on Pepper Potts, but I see quite a few VAs out there with that as a business name. I will gift a platinum to the one I like the best if that's appropriate.

Thank you in advance! 🍔

The woman storms off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

So a few days ago, during school my friend sitting next to me (in Social Studies) was reading off a few of the Generals form WW2. So I lean over and say, "I think that list should be on the main page under... General... Information". He hated it. Them I say " what you wanted a... colonel... Of hope." And he said " why me".

I thought of this pun in class in university back in the late 90s, and I thought it was funny. I still stand by it, and will do so until I die.

We were discussing the conspiracy that there was possibly a female pope at one time in history. The professor asked how would they even know if a certain pope was female. How would they discover it?

I turned to the guy sitting next to me: "Maybe a Papal smear?"

I was sitting at a moderately crowded bar last night enjoying dinner when an older couple came up and sat next to me. We exchanged hellos and I continued eating my jambalaya. After a bit, the husband finally knew what he wanted to drink.

Husband: "Do you have (so and so) beer?"

Bartender: "Hang on a sec, I'll check."

As the bartender walked away, the husband held both of his arms in the air, closing his hands into fists right above his head, a la Steve Holt. After about 30 seconds, and you could tell she really didn't want to, the wife asks what he's doing.

Wife: "Honey, why are your arms in the air?"

Husband: "I'm hanging on."

The wife rolls her eyes and I laugh inappropriately loudly. He grins.

So at this point, the joke has been made. It's over. But no! He's in it for the long haul. He kept his arms in the air for a solid 3 more minutes, just so the bartender could get in on the joke. She returns with his bottle of beer.

Husband: "Can I stop hanging on now?"

Bartender groans.

Wife: "Yes, please."

I admire his dedication. And his taste in beer.

So I'm driving down the road one day sitting next to my wife with the four kids in the back of the Minivan. I mention to my wife "Have you noticed the van has a loud whine when you jiggle the wheel?". She get's a concerned look on her face "The van is pretty new, what do you think is wrong?". I respond "No idea, maybe you can tell me where you think it's coming from".

I jiggle the wheel back and forth, the van sways and sways, and out of the back seat a voice pipes up "DAAAaaaAAadddd, stop iiitttt, I'm trying to reeeaaaadddd".

One of the best parts of being a dad are the Jokes, even if I'm clearly the only one in the family who appreciates them :D

Several years ago my wife and I were the only two in a movie theater when an older guy (70ish) came in and very slowly moved to the row we were in and went to sit in the seat right next to me. I looked at my wife with a "can you believe this?" face.

Just as the guy's butt hit the chair he looked at us and said "gotcha!" Then sprang up and went to a seat several rows away chuckling to himself as if he does that all the time. Never said anything else to us, just loving his old man life and trolling strangers at the movies.

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

I'm an Asian and my friend and I have AP Calculus together and he sits right next to me. I had trouble with a derivative and our conversation went along the lines of:
me: I don't know how to do this derivative.
friend: Well you see, you're Asian so you're bad at deriving.
me: groan^1000 ^hot ^fiery ^suns

... and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. 'You just happened to catch my eye.'

This evening I was sitting on the couch with my sister doing some paperwork and my dad sleeping next to me. I started playing a game on my phone which was making the movie hard to hear so my sister said "can you not?" And my dad replied from his slumber "no but I can tie" and returned to sleeping. I started laughing hysterically but my sister didn't get it.

One morning while sitting down for breakfast, my Dad looks up, points at my waist and exclaims, "What are those two things coming out of your butt?!" My 6 yr. old self wheels around like a dog chasing it's tail looking for said objects. nothing. I ask what they were and he says he's not sure, but that I will be fine. After school he get's home from work. Me: "Dad, do you those things coming out of my butt still?" Dad: "Yup" Repeat action and conversation from the morning again. And repeat again then next day, and the next ... 7 days in total I'm getting pissed my Dad see's them all the time but my Mom and older Sister don't. I surely don't see two things coming out of my butt. I'm starting to freak out and cry. Why can I not see these two things coming out of my butt, I'm sobbing, blubbering gibberish and spittle running down my chin to my shirt. I'm gasping for air and crying and just about to blow a gasket (I'm 6 mind you ...) my mom finally had enough, "Dammit Craig ... TELL HIM NOW!!" I get all calmed down and start getting excited, I'm going to find out! he sits me down and tells me this ... "I have told you all week that you had two things coming out of your butt?" That's why I'm losing my shit, Dad "Well, I was talking about your legs. You're legs come out of your butt and you have two of them." all the while looking me straight in the eyes, he starts a famously wonderful shit-grin. Mom loses it again, throws her arms up in utter frustration/disappointment/disbelief. Sister virtually pissing herself in laughter. My dad gets up, smiling that smile, he walks away with a pat on the head. "Pay better attention next time."

groan.

TLDR: I was 6, told I have 2 things coming out of my butt for a week. finally told that they where my legs. facepalm and groaner.

edit: - waiting for the right moment to pull this one on my 5 and 7 yr old ...

As I sat down next to this guy, he gave me a really strange look. Typical, I thought. The bus is practically empty, yet I still end up sitting next to a nut case.

I was sitting on a log and he was just sort of standing there next to me.

I said 'hey, what are you doing standing there? Why don't you sit down?'

He replied 'I guess I'm just a stand up guy'.

Lots of sighing commenced on my part (and stifled laughter, admittedly)

I was sitting in my room playing with my dog, his name is Buster. My dog was being hyper while getting used to his new home.

My dad walks in and starts telling me about when he was my age and got a new dog.

( Insert sad music from the world's smallest violin here )

Dad: "When I was your age, my dad got me a pooch. His name was Rocket. I got him when he was around 4 years old, so he was pretty big. One day, I was working on my dad's truck and had a bucket of old gas sitting next to me. Rocket was outside playing around, being himself and came up to me. I slid back under the truck and heard some gulping sounds. I look over and see Rocket drinking big gulps of the gasoline. I screamed at him," Rocket No! You don't drink that!" Then he backed up, stumbling. I felt my heart sink to my stomach, I knew something was wrong with him. He took off running around the house. He ran around the house 2-3 times. Then he just fell over.."

Me: "Dead!?"

Dad: "Nah, he just ran out of gas."

Fuck off, Dad.

And they weren't sitting right. She was sitting next to me and my stomach was grumbling.

Her: are you feeling ok. Me: not really, I'm brewing something fierce. Her: is it a bear? Me: a what... Her: you know? Cause it's "bruin"? Me:......

She's going to be a great dad.

Homeless regular at Denny's sits down next to me at the counter.

He says, "Hey, Judy, I'll have a streak and eggs."

Judy, a waitress of sixty-some years inquires, "Do you have enough money for it?"

The man says, "I'd stake my life on it."

Judy gets annoyed and demands to see it, to which the man responds, pulling out a ten dollar bill, "Un-eggs-pected, I know."

She said, "No tip again, huh?"

He shoots back, "C'mon! Meat me in the middle here!"

and the lady in the seat next to him says, "Excuse me, there's someone sitting there". Dad gets up, turns around, looks at the seat more closely and says, "Oh gosh, I hope I didn't hurt him".

I'd gone to see the movie with my cousins and there's a scene in which croc is doing a lot of push ups. So I whispered to unlucky cousin sitting next to me, "he's a member of a gym called crocsfit". That look of pure disgust is what I live for.

We're seated to a family dinner at our hotel. I'm sitting across from my sister and next to my dad. The waiter brings our meals: lamb for me, lamb for my sister and fish for my dad.

Suddenly, he lost all the color in his face. In retrospect, we're not sure how he pulled that part off, but he seemed genuinely terrified as a lead into it.

Dad: "Oh my god, did you hear that?"

Me: "Hear what?"

Sister: "What's going on?"

Dad: Listen!

Ambient restaurant noises.

Me: Dad, seriously, are you ok? What's going on?!

Dad: I can't believe you can't hear it. They must have brought you the silence of the lambs...

I was doing some math problems in class, and got annoyed at one problem I forgot how to do. I let out a quiet "Fuck you" under my breath at the calculator.

My best friend who was sitting next to me heard me, and said, "Maybe the calculator wouldn't be so mean to you if you stopped pushing its buttons."

We cracked up and immediately repeated the joke to everyone around us, who were disappointed in her lame (awesome) joke.

My friend is a teenage girl. Not a father. Maybe there's a dad hidden in us all....

The guy that sits next to me at work was cleaning out his drawer. He knows that I like tea, and found some in the drawer.

Coworker " Hey, Here's some cranberry apple tea you can have."

(I didn't even think, The dad joke just happened)

Me " Cranberry Apple huh? That's not really my.. Cup of.. Tea"

Him "Groan, nice pun"

my dad sits down next to me and my buddy while we were watching some television right? he says to us, "you know why they call me the bush man lavaponcho?" i replied, "no dad (having heard this jokes millions of times) why do they call you bush man?".... he replies," i drink Busch, i eat Bush and i smoke Bush." end of story...

Car is up on a jack stand in friend's backyard and sits down to remove some bolts from the front driver side brake assembly. I happened to notice some dog poop on the ground next to him

Me: Hey bro watch out!

Friend: What? What?!

Me: Theres poop right there and your about to sit down on it. C'mon bro, you do not want people to think you're about to do a shitty job.

Cute girl sits next to me in an auditorium where they're playing dubstep. I turn to her, smiling, and say "I'm really wubbing these subwoofers!" She actually laughed, and we're still together about a year and a half later. :)

In sitting with our real estate agent the other night, he mentioned "you're good fodder" for proposing us as buyers to the sellers of our (now) newly purchased home.

I responded with "I know I'm a good fodder, but don't forget about the good mudder sitting next to me!"

Wife's instant eye roll and very vocal "ughhh" was enough to compel me to leave this here...

Last night my fiance went out to sit in chair to smoke. It was dark, so she felt her way to the handle, turned and sat down. The chair was on the other side of her, so she fell.

The next time she went out, she found the post-it note I put on the chair (she used a flashlight this time) that said:

"I noticed you missed me, so I just wanted to say 'hi' "

I got hit upside the head for this one.

..it's a brand new Rolex."

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.

She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

A woman gets on a Bus with her Baby. The Bus Driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest Baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you,

Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”