Waiter: β€œHow do you like your steak, sir”?

Sir: β€œLike winning an argument with my wife”.

Waiter β€œRare it is!”.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boredhanda
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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Guy tries to board a plane with a dead racoon. The flight attendant says, "sir, you're going to have to check that"

"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."

πŸ‘︎ 691
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsradford
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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Doctor: Sorry sir but your body has ran out of Magnesium

Me: 0Mg

πŸ‘︎ 169
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ssr0203
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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Plant Got Back - Sir Mix-a-lot
πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JesGur
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
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Sir Anzac Newton.
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
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I was sitting in a restaurant when the waitress walked up and asked how did you find your steak sir?

I said I looked at the mashed potatoes and the steak was right next to them.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
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I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, β€œI don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

I told him, β€œI don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

πŸ‘︎ 195
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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Banker: sir, why is your land deed covered in... grease???

Dad: I steaked my claim!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arakashi_moku
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Ordering KFC, and I ask for a chicken wing. Cashier asks, β€œok sir, and which side?”

I replied I had never thought about it before, but I suppose I’ll take the right side.

Cashier: β€œsir, I meant mashed potatoes, corn, or beans.”

πŸ‘︎ 334
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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Doctor: β€œSir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”

Me: "and?"

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_snake0329
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is corrupted.

AND?

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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Man walks into a shop and picks up a can of bug spray

The man asks "is this good for wasps?"

The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DemonDoorknob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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Magical Creatures Rights Activist: Sir, are you aware of how wizards and witches deal with Boggarts?

It’s riddikulus!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vote4Hitler
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me he said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".

He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"

πŸ‘︎ 28k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fartingpinetree
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A waiter asks the "How did you find your steak, Sir?"

Me: I just looked next to the mash potatoes and there it was!

Source: tedthestoner2.0.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jabhiram
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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Doc: "Sir, you've caught a very rare disease. "

Me: "How rare?"

Doc: "You pick the name.

πŸ‘︎ 141
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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Yummy 3.14159
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amirlopez
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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Cashier: Sir can I have your card again?

Me: its a sweater and no you can't have it.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/donkey_Dealer08
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Some say it’s sad that so many kids are shuffled through foster care.

Others might call it reWARDing.

I know. I’m sorry.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/babo_81
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
If your name is Foster you're probably an orphan.

Because your parents are Foster parents.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smakattak
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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Once, when working in a store, a man dressed as a a wizard approached the counter...

He said "Do I get any money off for having this big stick?"

I said "No sir, we don't offer staff discount".

πŸ‘︎ 667
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slatersays22
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
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Hey Sir, police jokes aren’t funny!

So give it arrest

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mac_OrchardYT
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives

I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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Did you read about the new group that was created to foster dialogue between Wiccans and Jehovah’s Witnesses?

It’s called the Witch Tower Society.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra."

"That's a freebie."

πŸ‘︎ 107
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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What did king Arthur say to sir Lancelot?

Its knight time

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gameboy90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Lance is an uncommon name nowdays

But in mediaeval times people were called lance a lot

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tadashi4
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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A vulture was boarding a plane and he brought with him a dead racoon. The flight attendant, mortified by the sight and stench, pointed at the carcass and asked "Sir why did you bring a dead racoon with you."

The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fearless-Gas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?

Sir Loin

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derpfesty
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
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I never understood the invention of circles

They’re pointless

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MajikMan_21
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
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This was posted by Sir Ian McKellen himself on Facebook

https://preview.redd.it/pcu1x2n9tvs51.png?width=720&format=png&auto=webp&s=f8b5cc4564de7f6b3da1ce9dfd2508b168d159e6

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Limeila
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Officer: Sir, why are you carrying pillows?

Because I’m resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/redrocketinn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: β€œsir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied β€œoh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaFunkJunkie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
🚨︎ report
A photon checks into a hotel. "Need any help with your luggage sir?" asks the porter.

"No thanks " replies the photon. "I am travelling light."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Man #1: "Sir, would you like a pamphlet about our organization?

Man #2: "Bro, sure."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boodahbellie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Waitress: "Are you finished sir?"

Dad: "No, I'm actually Norwegian. So close though, you're pretty good at that!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChetRipley
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...

"You know, one would have been enough."

πŸ‘︎ 486
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LayThatPipe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is heavy one is a little lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/champion-13
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
🚨︎ report
"What’s your name, son?"

The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."

"Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked.

The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."

πŸ‘︎ 678
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aye_its_soya
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?

Sir Plant.

I’ll see myself out.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
🚨︎ report
One night I got pulled over. The cop walked up to my window and said β€œdo you have a police record, sir?” I said:

Roxanne...

Edit-spelling

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Das_Kommandant
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Dwayne Johnson’s family get tested for covid?

They couldn’t smell what the rock was cooking

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said β€œ sir I’m going to have to put you under arrest.” The guy then said

Bud-wei-ser?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/exier--
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.

There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

πŸ‘︎ 22k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A____K
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Waitress: How did you find your steak Sir?

I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
How did you find your steak, sir?

Right next to the potatoes.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shazbeer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/4rn48
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees.He counted and gave me 13.

"Sir, you gave me an extra." That's a freebie.

πŸ‘︎ 218
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rhshi14
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report

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