Waiter: βHow do you like your steak, sirβ?
Sir: βLike winning an argument with my wifeβ.
Waiter βRare it is!β.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Mar 06 2021
Guy tries to board a plane with a dead racoon. The flight attendant says, "sir, you're going to have to check that"
"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."
π︎ 691
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
Doctor: Sorry sir but your body has ran out of Magnesium
π︎ 169
π
︎ Mar 30 2021
Plant Got Back - Sir Mix-a-lot
π︎ 48
π
︎ May 03 2021
Sir Anzac Newton.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
I was sitting in a restaurant when the waitress walked up and asked how did you find your steak sir?
I said I looked at the mashed potatoes and the steak was right next to them.
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 02 2021
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
π︎ 195
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
Banker: sir, why is your land deed covered in... grease???
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
Ordering KFC, and I ask for a chicken wing. Cashier asks, βok sir, and which side?β
I replied I had never thought about it before, but I suppose Iβll take the right side.
Cashier: βsir, I meant mashed potatoes, corn, or beans.β
π︎ 334
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
Doctor: βSir, I have some bad news, Iβm afraid your DNA is backwardsβ
π︎ 52
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is corrupted.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
Man walks into a shop and picks up a can of bug spray
The man asks "is this good for wasps?"
The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
Magical Creatures Rights Activist: Sir, are you aware of how wizards and witches deal with Boggarts?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me he said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"
π︎ 28k
π
︎ Mar 07 2020
A waiter asks the "How did you find your steak, Sir?"
Me: I just looked next to the mash potatoes and there it was!
Source: tedthestoner2.0.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
Doc: "Sir, you've caught a very rare disease. "
Me: "How rare?"
Doc: "You pick the name.
π︎ 141
π
︎ Nov 06 2020
Yummy 3.14159
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
Cashier: Sir can I have your card again?
Me: its a sweater and no you can't have it.
π︎ 39
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
Some say itβs sad that so many kids are shuffled through foster care.
Others might call it reWARDing.
I know. Iβm sorry.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 12 2020
If your name is Foster you're probably an orphan.
Because your parents are Foster parents.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
The fattest knight at King Arthurβs round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
π︎ 135
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
Once, when working in a store, a man dressed as a a wizard approached the counter...
He said "Do I get any money off for having this big stick?"
I said "No sir, we don't offer staff discount".
π︎ 667
π
︎ May 07 2021
Hey Sir, police jokes arenβt funny!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
Did you read about the new group that was created to foster dialogue between Wiccans and Jehovahβs Witnesses?
Itβs called the Witch Tower Society.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 15 2020
I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra."
π︎ 107
π
︎ Sep 23 2020
What did king Arthur say to sir Lancelot?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
Lance is an uncommon name nowdays
But in mediaeval times people were called lance a lot
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Jan 05 2021
A vulture was boarding a plane and he brought with him a dead racoon. The flight attendant, mortified by the sight and stench, pointed at the carcass and asked "Sir why did you bring a dead racoon with you."
The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."
π︎ 45
π
︎ Oct 18 2020
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 10 2021
I never understood the invention of circles
π︎ 35
π
︎ Apr 30 2021
This was posted by Sir Ian McKellen himself on Facebook
https://preview.redd.it/pcu1x2n9tvs51.png?width=720&format=png&auto=webp&s=f8b5cc4564de7f6b3da1ce9dfd2508b168d159e6
π︎ 12
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
Officer: Sir, why are you carrying pillows?
Because Iβm resisting a rest.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Nov 30 2020
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: βsir, would you like to go out with the cart?β. To which I replied βoh, no thanks Iβm actually marriedβ. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Nov 30 2019
A photon checks into a hotel. "Need any help with your luggage sir?" asks the porter.
"No thanks " replies the photon. "I am travelling light."
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 22 2020
Man #1: "Sir, would you like a pamphlet about our organization?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
Waitress: "Are you finished sir?"
Dad: "No, I'm actually Norwegian. So close though, you're pretty good at that!"
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 23 2020
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
π︎ 486
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is heavy one is a little lighter.
π︎ 95
π
︎ Apr 21 2021
"Whatβs your name, son?"
The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."
"Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked.
The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."
π︎ 678
π
︎ Mar 20 2021
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Iβll see myself out.
π︎ 16
π
︎ May 13 2021
One night I got pulled over. The cop walked up to my window and said βdo you have a police record, sir?β I said:
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 03 2020
Why did Dwayne Johnsonβs family get tested for covid?
They couldnβt smell what the rock was cooking
π︎ 87
π
︎ Apr 01 2021
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said β sir Iβm going to have to put you under arrest.β The guy then said
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.
There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
π︎ 22k
π
︎ Nov 14 2020
Waitress: How did you find your steak Sir?
I just looked next to the potatoes and there it was.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Mar 24 2021
How did you find your steak, sir?
Right next to the potatoes.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 07 2021
The fattest knight at King Arthurβs round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees.He counted and gave me 13.
"Sir, you gave me an extra." That's a freebie.
π︎ 218
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
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