What did Sean Connery say after his woodworking project didn't turn out well?

"I'm ashamed of my shelf"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iced_Coffee_IV
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2022
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Knock knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who?

Dishes Sean Connery.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2022
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What do you call a fish with a bow tie?

Sofishticated (I’m sorry to say that I read this in Sean Connery’s voice πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ)

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2022
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Just Dad Joked my Geology Class

While learning about atoms, my instructor said that covalent bonds were the strongest bonds. I said, "I always thought Sean Connery was the strongest Bond." So many groans. I could feel the eye rolls. I love being the old guy in class.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TingleSack
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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What do you call an Irish electrician hanging from your ceiling?

Sean D. Lear

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grubadubdub8
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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Did you hear that Sean Connery died?

He's Sean Gonerry.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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You hear about the time Jean Claude Van Damme met Sean Connery?

Connery introduced himself. "Bond. James Bond."

And Van Damme replied. "Damme. Van Damme. Claude Van Damme. Jean Claude Van Damme."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pareboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2017
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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What time does Sean Connery typically arrive at Wimbledon?

"Tennish" RIP Sir Sean.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Corpsman223
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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The origin of the word β€œocean”

An old Irishman and his wife were walking along the seashore. He pointed out to the waves and said, β€œMolly, do you know why it’s called the β€˜sea?’ Because when you’re out in the middle of it, it’s the only thing you can see!”

And Molly sighed, rolled her eyes, and said, β€œOh, Sean...”

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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When Sean Connery was a boy, people would often find him cleaning plates when they arrived.

His Mother would always turn around and say "dishes Sean Connery"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
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How did John and Yoko get their son to eat his veggies?

"Sean, all we are saying is give peas a chance."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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Shawn [yawning]: I'm tired

Shaun [yauning]: me too

Sean [yeaning]: so am I

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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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Need your help naming my cat!

Hi pun-masters!

I will share my life with a cat, starting Saturday! It’s a grey\white Maine coon male.

The thing is that I love puns, and when I saw the cat called « Sean Coonery », I thought it was adorable!

I’m not that good in finding right puns, and I was wondering if people wouldn’t mind helping me a little!

I live in Montreal, so it can be either English or French!

Thanks in advance!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/djieff0
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2017
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(books fall onto Sean Connery's head)

Sean: "I only have myshelf to blame."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
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10-love

Me: What time are you going to be home tonight?

Wife: Ten-ish.

Me: Okay. And what sport does Sean Connery like to play at the country club?

Wife: Ugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rkrismcneely
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2016
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Sean Connery announces new marketing deal with Gillette

Not sure if you saw the media blitz early yesterday morning, when Sean Connery announced to the world that it was Daylight Shavings Time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosmonkey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2016
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-Knock knock -Who's there? -Dishes -Dishes who?

deep voice -Dishes Sean Connery

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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Sean Connery's doctor told him...

...that it wasn't healthy to keep eating entire eggs, shells and all. "Just give it up for 40 days in the spring, and I bet you'll feel better."

The actor took his advice, and returned after 40 days.

"How was it?" the doctor asked.

Sean Connery smiled. "Eggshell-Lent!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarnafein
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2017
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I'm proud of myself

In the middle of a meeting. "How many do we need to review?" "Hmmmm... About ten..ish" "Sean Connery favourite sport" Half the room groaned... Half didn't get it. I was smiling for at least a couple hours

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeautifulLurker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
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Did you hear Trump appointed his lead film editor today?

Yeah, his name is Sean Splicer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teeim
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2017
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What is the last name of the actor who played Oliver Wood?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meatb4ll
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2015
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what is Jame's Bonds favourite kind of fish?

a Sean Conneray

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Peregore
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2016
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Double dad joke In text message.

Text between two dads. Talking about our friend Sean but miss texted Seam.

Me: Can I get a ride from seams? Him: Yep but who is this seams guy will I like him? Me: Yeah you will like Seam. He really holds things together..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Allday123
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2014
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G'day reddit. Been a dad since October 2014, and just yesterday these hit me..

It started off pretty innocently. I was at work doing work stuff (I'm an apprentice boilermaker if you want to know) and came up with this...

Q. How did the bacon get to hospital? A. In the HAMbulance.

Kinda just snowballed from there...

Q. How did the sheep get to hospital? A. In the RAMbulance.

Q. How did the oyster get to hospital? A. In the CLAMbulance.

Q. How did the marmalade get to the hospital? A. In the JAMbulance.

I decided to post my hilarity on Facebook, and my brother in law dropped this one:

Q. How did the martial artist get to hospital? A. In the JEANCLAUDEVANDAMMEbulance.

And my sister chimed in too:

Q. How did the Beaver get to hospital? A. In the DAMbulance.

The next thing I knew, it just wouldn't stop...THEY JUST KEPT COMING OUT OF MY BRAIN!

Q. How did the sweet potato get to hospital? A. In the YAMbulance.

Q. How did the Indian get to hospital? A. In the PAPADAMbulance.

Q. How did the other Indian get to hospital? A. In the WIGWAMbulance.

Q. How did the insomniac get to hospital? A. In the DIAZAPAMbulance.

Q. How did the baby get to hospital? A. In the PRAMbulance.

Q. How did The Flash get to hospital? A. In the SHAZAMbulance.

I went to bed around 8.30pm. NO SLEEP FOR ME, MORE DAD JOKES TO THINK ABOUT!

Q. How did Sean Penn get to the hospital? A. In the IAMSAMbulance.

Q. How did Dr Suess get to the hospital? A. In the SAMIAMbulance.

Q. How did the exhibitionist get to hospital? A. In the WEBCAMbulance.

Q. How did the 80's pop stars get to hospital? A. In the WHAMbulance.

Q. How did the air hostess get to hospital? A. In the PAN-AMbulance.

Q. How did the POW get to hospital? A. In the VIETNAMbulance.

I'm pretty much spent at this point, but thought I would share with you guys. Maybe you've got more of your own to add?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/azureal
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2015
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Some light kitchen humour

What does Sean Connery say when he's trying to be appreciative ?

Thanks Shallot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuantumPickle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2015
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Whale watching...

So mom and dad have my wife and my kid along with my sister's kid out whale watching and sent us a photo of orcas they saw. This followed...

Me: killer view!
Siss: killer view!
Me: are you thinking the same as me OR CAn you not think of anything unique and are copying me on porpoise
Me: I mean I’m having a whale of a time
Me: Did you FINish?
Me: Does your boat have a motor anD/OR SAIL?
Mom (probably dad's joke tho): You are on a roll
Me: Not sure I have many lines left actually
Me: Actually I’m beginning to waver on that statement
Me: Though it seems siss has bowed out of the conversation.
Me: Maybe she’ll come up with something after I’m done
Me: have you guys SEAn (sic) anything other than orcas?
Mom: Humpback
Me: good day for that!
Wife: Very cool!
Me: Definitely looks chilly
Wife: 20 texts... Wow
Me: Definitely an imPORTant thread to watch
Me: like how i cap-size my text to make the joke obvious?
Me: siss’ silence is fishy tho
Mom: You definitely LANDed them
Me: They just come to me and I let em sail
Me: To admit some are a bit ridockulous
Me: Which can make them tough to catch
Me: but I’ll keep tossing them out there anyway for the few that land
Me: I think we lost the point of the conversation though
Me: Let's coral it back
Me: I'm being far too shellfish by uslurping it like this
Me: But Siss did have the gull to keep repeating me
Me: Buoy that one was bad

edit: formatting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gabeanzelini
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2015
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My dad pulled this one when we were driving back from my sister's birthday dinner. A successful embarrassment.

My dad was driving, I (Connor) was in the back left seat, my sister (Nicole) was in the middle, and my sister's boyfriend (Sean) was in the back right seat (my mom was up front). My dad says to my sister, "The left eye says to the right eye, something between us smells!" After we chuckle, he says, "Sean said to Connor, something between us smells!" My sister appropriately blushed as we all moaned in disdain.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lawnboy18
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2014
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Knock knock….

Knock knock….

Who’s there?

Dishes….

Dishes who?

Dishes Sean Connery let me in.

(Be sure to really ham up a bad Sean Connery impersonation.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thatguy52
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2022
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Knock knock

Who’s there?

Dishes

Dishes who?

Dishes Sean Connery

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyBoyMcFly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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Knock knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who?

Dishes Sean Connery.

(RIP)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoodChadAndUgly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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Knock knock. Who’s there? Dishes.

Dishes who?

(wait for it)

Dishes Sean Connery.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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Knock knock. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who?

This is Sean Connery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kaleidoscope122
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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"knock knock"

Who's there?

"Dishes"

Dishes who?

"Dishes Sean Connery"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsmezz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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Knock knock.. whos there.. dishes...dishes who?

Dishes Sean Connery

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsmezz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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What did John and Yoko say to get their soon to eat his vegetables?

"Sean, all we are saying is give peas a chance."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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Knock knock (who’s there) Dishes (dishes who)

Dishes Sean Connery

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_iAmBlackjack
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
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Did you hear about the time John and Yoko tried to get their son to eat his veggies?

They said, "Sean, all we are saying is give peas a chance."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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Knock knock

Who's there?

Dishes.

Dishes who?

Dishes Sean Connery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/driedyam
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2017
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My dad always told me to invest in bonds.

So I went out and bought a bunch of Sean Connery movies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2018
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"Knock Knock" .........."Who's there?" ........."Dish"

"Dish who?"

"Dish is Sean Connery"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2017
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