Screwed up
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Demand_Haste_CM
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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Coach used to tell me I screwed up my drills

I had no impact

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/forrestree
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jige1337
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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I was helping a buddy install his backyard fence, when I realized I screwed up and had to do it again.

I said, β€œSorry about the repost.”

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
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I thought I screwed up my stapler joke

But my son thinks I nailed it.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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Our hardware suppliers really screwed this one up... imgur.com/gallery/CVTQL/n…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ubernoobinator
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2014
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Was making some bread, screwed it up

overkneaded the dough, the gluten fell apart and it basically became a pile of goop. I yelled from the kitchen, "this is a doughsaster!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Procrasticoatl
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2014
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Why is it better to screw up on a road you paved than on one someone else paved?

Because it's your own asphalt.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VBStrong_67
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
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These puns are really screwing me up.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Autocorrect screws up so much, I'm just fresh out of ducks to give.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robuttocks
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?

... so they can beat the crowds!

Edit: Wow, this is now my second highest upvoted post ever, and it's not even my own joke! Totally should have credited the video I saw this in: https://www.reddit.com/r/PublicFreakout/comments/h8btkp/protester_has_a_joke_for_the_police_officers/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf

Thanks for the laughs and great comment threads, Reddit :)

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Row199
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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Coworker told me he was tired of people screwing up and β€œgross human incontinence”

I pissed myself laughing

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fill-Chapo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
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The ultimate dadjoke. My toddlers believe that on 3 king’s day (along with bringing gifts) the camels severely screw up our home. I put muddy hoof prints throughout, upend the plants, knock over the tree, tear apart fruit, etc.

This year Was a symphony! We had aunts, and two grandmas join in for a seriously epic camel disaster for the kids to discover tomorrow. Feeling proud of my dad skills.

Photos here:

https://imgur.com/gallery/b8sILu3

Edit: the oldest is 5. We celebrated a day early so their aunt could be here. The real 3 kings day is tomorrow. Don’t tell the wise men!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sloanautomatic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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September, October, November, and December should have been the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th month.

Whoever screwed this upβ€”- I hope he got stabbed.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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What do NASA astronauts do when they screw up?

They Apollo-gize

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OakleyKnowsAll
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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The original plan was to make two Yogi Bears, but there was a screw up.

They made a Boo Boo.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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Why did Mars screw up its piano recital?

It was a little rusty.

(Most of the rock on Mars has iron in it, and it's oxidized over the millenia, so it's rusty, which is why it's red.)

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrackedP0t
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2015
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What does King T'Chaka say to T'challa when he screws up??

WAKANDA shit is this..!!!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/abhinav01gupta
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
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If a butler screws up when applying for a job, you should always give them a second chance.

After all, everyone deserves a re-buttle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/entropomorphic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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The man and the silver screw.

There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.

The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jj8o8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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My dad taught me how to use a Phillips today

I screwed it up

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/broe17
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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I was telling jokes about nuts and bolts

But then I screwed up.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hensfan85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
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Opening a bottle of wine is easy

But it’s also easy to screw it up

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AJNotMyRealName
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
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I was helping my dad with construction he told me to get the hammer but I accidentally gave him the drill

He said I could have nailed it, but I screwed up

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhoIsPharoah17
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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My moms putting curtains up. Perfect pun opportunity.

Mom: β€œMatthew! Can you grab the screws please?”

Me: β€œOh screw this.”

Mom: β€œCan you grab some nails?”

Me: β€œYup.” Sees the curtains up β€œOh wow you’re really nailing it.”

Mom: β€œThe drills on the counter. Would you mind...”

Me: β€œDon’t worry. I know the drill by now.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/demonwithfries
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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I was telling a joke about an electric drill.. but it didn’t make anyone laugh

I think I screwed up the punch line

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ohm_B
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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Tonight, my daughter assisted me in hanging a new medicine cabinet.

Me: I think I measured wrong. The toggle bolts aren't lining up with the darned holes. Man, I really screwed this up.

Her: Did you........make a pun?

Me: concentrating on the task at hand Huh?

Her: Never mind.

Me: gets it Ha! No, but that's awesome! "Screwed" it up. Ha! You're a PunMaster!

Her: You're a dork.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GTFOakaFOD
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
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I gave my son a simple job: nail down the floorboards.

He screwed up.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cobblecloth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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I spent all day trying to balance a screw on it's tip.

All I ended up doing by the end was just screwing around.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ethanol314
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
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So I went to pick up my car.

I got handed a screw and said "Where's the car?" The mechanic said "That right there sums up the rest of it, screwed."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmallestApple
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
We had an IDEA...

Back a few decades, I was working in a program with a local college in the Middle East.

The name of the program for ExPats has the clever acronym of "IDEA" (hey, I said it was clever); which stands for "Inter-Departmental Educational Adjunct". It's interdepartmental because my particular specialty not only covers field geology but also paleontology and a bit of archeology thrown in for good measure. Everyone hopes to have a good IDEA...

ahem...

Well, we saddle up and head for the Dune Sea out in the west of the country, where the Precambrian, Cambrian, Silurian, Cretaceous, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Holocene crop out and access is relatively easy and non-injurious.

Well, we caravan out, some 30 Land Cruisers, Nissan patrol, and the odd Mitsubishi Galloper strong. We all get our maps, compasses and split up into 5 or 6 special interest groups ("SIG's"); where each IDEA has his own GPS and LIDAR laser ranging apparatus. Reason being, that there are very few benchmarks out in the desert, and even those are constantly at the mercy of the shifting and ever-blowing sands.

Since we're split into groups and at any one time, ranging up to and including some 50 km2, when a real find is located, a device called the "DIME" (Digital-Interface Monitor Encoder) is attached and programmed into the GPS for location later; it is a digital sort of low-frequency transponder, developed from technology used by offshore drillers and jacket setters where benchmarks are even more transitory.

The way it works is rather simple. When something is to be marked for later retrieval, a series of wooden posts are pounded in a triangular manner around the find and the DIME is set, programmed with the GPS and attached to one or more of the posts.

That's the theory, at least.

Everything works well, especially all the hardened electronics and computer gizmos, but attaching the DIME to the stakes is the real problem. It can't be nailed, screwed or fastened with any sort of metal contrivance as that farkles the magnetic field and causes all sorts of goofy spurious signals. Zip ties don't last long in the heat and duct tape is right out. Many sites have been lost to the shifting sands this way.

Velcro doesn't work too well, as the sand fills the hooks of the receiving piece of velcro and soon renders it useless. String or fishing line work, but that's temporary (they melt). Glue or mastic are out as these are supposed to be temporary. Even plastic sleeves don't work due to the heat out

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I've got a construction joke.

Still workin on it... Cant quite nail it down, you woodnt get it, it's pretty screwed up..

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KifDawg
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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I've been fired from Comedy Central and from Pizza Hut

Something about delivery the screwing up.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/7_Pillars
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
from YouTube comments "you know the drill......"
  • A : "You know the drill

But do you know the screwdriver? I nailed that joke.ο»Ώ"

  • B : "No, you screwed it up."

  • C : "I'm going to wrench this joke from you.ο»Ώ"

  • D : "Stop trying to hammer in your punsο»Ώ."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GunnerVee
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
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My friend was caught having sex in an elevator.

He screwed up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vaxis2113
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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A voice at the back of my head keeps telling me...

That the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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I was mounting a ceiling fan, and yelled β€œoh no!”

β€œI screwed up!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rickroy37
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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I was trying to assemble ikea furniture..

I screwed it up !

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phs_uw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
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I told my first dad joke today.

I didn't even mean to make a dad joke, apparently after seven years of being a dad, it just starts to happen.

I was installing some shelves up on the walls over my computer desk. Having just finished marking the walls where I was going to insert the screws, I was now installing the brackets onto the boards.

From behind me, I heard my wife say, "How's it going?"

Me: "Well, it's shellfish."

Wife: "It's what?"

Me: "Shellfish. I'm still putting the mounting brackets on, so it's not a shelf yet. It's shelf-ish. Shellfish."

At least my daughter thought it was funny.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/odins_left_eye
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2014
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Don't Move

This guy is standing at the bus stop reading the morning paper when this grubby looking fellow strikes up a conversation. Somehow they get to talking about what each would do if the missiles were on their way. The grubby fellow says boldly, "I'd screw anything that moved! How about you?"

The other man thought for a moment and replied, "Stand PERFECTLY STILL."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Scammers went to Egypt

My wife was telling our group a story of how she and her flat-mates got screwed by their landlords (property managers, not the property owners) in England. Right before they were due to refund everyone's security deposits, they took all the money, closed the business, and buggered off to Egypt. I asked her if they set up a multilevel marketing campaign.

You know... a Pyramid Scheme?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fellwarre
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2017
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So I Went To A Department Store To Find A Screwdriver

I asked the guy working there where I could find one. The guy working there then called someone. Moments later a driver who seemed as if he had a screw loose showed up. The guy, "You wanted a screwdriver right? Here you go."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FearlessTheFallen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
🚨︎ report
A compass, a cough drop, and a match.

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.

One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for another few minutes, but it got cold and I was chilled and soaked to the bone, so I decided to try to head back to camp.

Lightning was starting to crackle above me, so I thought I should try to take a shortcut to make my hike back quicker. I pulled out my compass and found my direction, but the rain made it impossible to see more than five feet in front of me.

I was looking down at my compass, not paying any attention to where I was going, and suddenly felt weightless. The feeling didn't last long as I thumped down on slippery earth a second later.

I had fallen onto a ledge on the side of a rather steep cliff, the bottom of which was at least fifty feet down.

I sat there, contemplating on how to get back up this cliff as water rolled over the edge ten feet above me. There was nothing to grab onto to pull myself up. I was stuck there.

After a few minutes, I noticed the little ledge I was standing on was slowly getting smaller. The water was coming down so hard it was eroding the tiny bit of safety I had.

I dug through my pockets, thinking maybe I had something, anything, to help me out of my precarious situation. All I had was my compass, a cough drop, and a match. I was screwed.

So, I sat there, watching the edge of the ledge I was on get closer and closer to my feet, when suddenly I felt something pushing on my back.

I turned slightly and saw a wooden box sticking out of the cliff behind me. It was working its way out of the side, the rain surely helping it along. I tried to move away from it, but the ledge wasn't very wide and the box kept coming out, pushing me farther to the weak and failing edge.

As more of the box came out, to my horror, I realized it was a coffin! I had no idea how old it was, but it looked rather rotten. All I could think of was being pushed off this ledge, and the rotten coffin breaking and dropping a skeleton onto my broken and battered body at the bottom.

The coffin crept closer, my foot began to slip. I grabbed onto a root that was sticking out of the cliffside and dug in my pocket once more.

I hurriedly tore the wrapper off the cough drop and stuck it in my mouth. It stopped the coffin.

This joke has been told to me

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TipCleMurican
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
🚨︎ report
30 Skeleton puns. Can you handle the skull rattling mayhem?

The Duke of Dance: If i don't stop soon, you're really gonna have a bone to pick with me.

The Duke of Dance: I need to stop being such a numbskull.

The Duke of Dance: help.

Sans: I gotta write these down.

The Duke of Dance: I don't have enough backbone to deal with my own shit

The Duke of Dance: but that's tibea expected.

Sans: I find this humerus.

The Duke of Dance: damn

The Duke of Dance: stole my next one.

The Duke of Dance: I'm not fibulaing you when i say, i'm running out of material. I'm really trying to think of more puns here, but i'm patellaing you, i'm out.

Sans: I don't even know this many bone names.

The Duke of Dance: My cranium is empty. i'm running bone-dry here.

The Duke of Dance: But you'r quite sternum in your wanting of these puns.

The Duke of Dance: don't worry, i'll stop temporalily. Not really tho.

The Duke of Dance: I'm taking these puns to the maxilla.

Sans: Can you make a pelvis pun?

The Duke of Dance: Not really. I can't think of any. So no hip hip hooray here.

Sans: That was alright.

The Duke of Dance: Are you having a femury time?

The Duke of Dance: I find myself sacruming to the need to make puns.

The Duke of Dance: helpican'tstop

Sans: I'm having a pun time.

The Duke of Dance: I'm gonna turbinate my puns, cuz i'm on my last leg-bones here.

The Duke of Dance: i'm getting desperate, you can tell.

The Duke of Dance: I didn't name a specific bone.

The Duke of Dance: Which is almost completely mandableitory.

The Duke of Dance: I have made more puns tonight than i have in a LONG time.

The Duke of Dance: Throw me a bone here, have i made enough skeleton puns?

Sans: There will never be enough skeleton puns. Mind makin' a list for me?

The Duke of Dance: Do

The Duke of Dance: Do you want me to write everything i just said down for you?

The Duke of Dance: I'm quivering at the thought of coming up with more skeleton puns.

Sans: I don't see any arrows.

Sans: Don't be a lazy bones, come up with more.

The Duke of Dance: I'll see you later, my vertebrah.

Sans: Have you any backbone?

The Duke of Dance: I already made that one.

The Duke of Dance: :3

Sans: SCREW IT, I'M MAKING ANOTHER

The Duke of Dance: Not so easy coming up with fresh material, is it?

The Duke of Dance: Also, "quiver" is another name for one of your joints.

The Duke of Dance: I'm just really looking at medical sites for this shit.

Sans: CURSE YOU GOOGLE.

The Duke of Dance: it's tibea expected. <Favorite skeleton pun, using it again

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2015
🚨︎ report
I misplaced a very small tool

Today my wife and I decided to go to the store when she got home from work for stir-fry supplies. I hadn't gone anywhere all day, so I had to grab my shoes and socks. I guess I'd misplaced one of my tiny screwdrivers from my toolbag and it had ended up inside a shoe. It plopped out into my palm when I tried to shake out the shoe, which prompted me to turn to my wife and exclaim, "Phew! That was a close call! I almost really screwed up my foot!" She gave me a look that said 'I am way too tired to deal with this nonsense'. Stir-fry was fantastic, though.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mrtorbear
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2016
🚨︎ report
I was helping a friend install his backyard fence, but I screwed up and had to do it again.

Sorry for the repost.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad gave me a simple job: nail down the floorboards.

I screwed up.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cobblecloth
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
A voice at the back of my head keeps telling me...

..that the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report

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