He couldn't find Davey Jone's locker
They say he got detention for it
Apparently he's not into cymbalism.
For some reason, my daughter never comes home with her free dress...???
I just heard about 20,000 leagues under the C!
on Sonday.
It's a hall monitor.
“Oh, that’s awful. Who was that?”
“Miss Givings.”
The rest, as they say, is History.
... Totally in my Element.
They got a whole 20 minutes in before the teacher woke him up
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
She had been at her mom's for a week and we were switching over to my place.
I told her "You'll be happy to know I didn't think of a single dad joke last week..."
"Good!"
"...I thought of a whole bunch of them!"
/groan "Dad...."
"Yeah, that wasn't a very good one, I know."
Then I thought about it for a minute, and we were walking up to the house and I said "I still kind of like it though...I mean, it's a dad joke about dad jokes. So it's a meta dad joke." Looked at her, lowered my sunglasses..."And I've never met a dad joke I didn't like"
"Daaaaddddd...."
I just can't get over it
Me: Oh yeah, what was it on?
Her: Paper.
I was so proud.
Mom: Milk day?.... O honey you mean Martin Luther King Day! He was a famous civil rights leader.
Kid: O yea I know him! He said “I have a dream”
Dad: yes, “I have a dream that one day milk and chocolate milk will live in harmony.”
Actual conversation last night
His mom ask's,"Why are you home so early?"
He answered"Because I was the only one who answered a question correctly."
Well, my son the genius.What was the question?"she continued.
"Whose the little shit that laid the tac down on my chair?"
I was allowed on the grass the other day at school- it field me with joy
After weeks of hard work and dedication, his grades start picking up.
A month passes and the semester is finally over.
He approaches his father and shows him his grades.
The father looks dramatically into his son's eyes and says:
"long time no C".
His friend saw and laughed. Then he asked him; "Why do You suppose they call it harsh parental love?"
He replied; "I dunno fam beats me"
"Alright class please stand. Now raise your left leg. Put it back on the ground. Great, everyone may now sit.
Glad we're able to start class on the right foot."
They made me take a makeup class.
I said ‘because they are full of knowledge!’
In it’s lager!
It was really weird but after talking hes a great guy, you guys could learn a thing or two from him
I guess you can say it was Three Days Grace.
First period
Now there snow days off for winter
Its not my fault I sleep naked.
Shanghai
Bison
Today, my friend Mia and I found out we had PreCalculus together and thus sat across from each other and began talking about our schedules while our teacher prepared the student contracts. (For reference, Mr. Waage is one of the music teachers in my school.)
Mia- "I have Waage three times in my schedule this year and two are back to back." Me- "What periods do you have him?" Mia- "0, 4th, and 5th period." Me- "Looks like you are getting maximum Waage."
Grunts and cringes ensued
Some of the kids attending are:
Sally Buckteeth and her family of farmers,
Larry the Lefty and his fam of circus freaks,
And Johnny no-feet and his family of midgets.
They were all excited for their tour of the dairy farm, and the CEO himself stood up to speak: "OK, everyone, a few ground rules: due to the industrial nature of the farm, mandatory steel-toed boots and a minimum height requirement are in effect."
The assistant pipes up- "Sir, one of the kids can't attend the trip!"
CEO- "Oh no, which one?"
The assistant replied, " Little Johnny, the one that lacks toes and taller aunts."
... and noticed 3 pieces of meat hanging from the celing upon entering his house. The boy asks his father, "What's this about?" The dad replies, "If you can jump up and slap the meat, you don't have to do any chores for the next month. However, if you miss, you have to do your chores and your brother's chores, along with no video games for a month. Still wanna do it?" The boy replies, "No thanks, I'm good." The dad responds, "I figured you would say that, I did raise the steaks pretty high."
My dad pulled this shit on me
Dad: did you hear about the kidnapping at school today?
Me: WHAT just now???
Dad: It's okay...he just woke up!
Followed by me recovering from a little panic attack that ensued and calling him an idiot. He did good though.
I refuse to let them receive anything less than a first class education.
Don’t worry, he woke up.
Its ok he woke up
