Toy story 4 used to have a scene where Woody's friends died.

They cut it from the script because it was too much of a buzzkill.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ‘€︎ u/Godith024
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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Lethal Weapon 3(-some)

Film Producer: β€œThis is supposed to be a β€œBuddy Cop” movie, why do they have this steamy sex scene together?”

Director: β€œBecause everyone enjoys cop-porn at the movies!”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/youtellmebob
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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Dustin Hoffman gets chosen for a role of playing an much older Joaquin Phoenix.

In one particular scene he’s strolling down a busy street in NYC and a taxi almost hits him. He slams the hood of the taxi and yells

Hey I’m Joaquin here!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dyspaereunia
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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Picture Perfect Puns

Ancient Scot Richard's Warriors: Dick's Picts

Loki - Trick pics (from my brother)

Pictures of an Adam Sandler movie: "Click" pics.

Pictures of a Kaitlin Olson character: The Mick's pics

Screenahots of these comments: Wit pics

Leaky faucet: drip pics

X1 Cumberbatch photos: Benedict pics

X2 Pope photos: Benedict pics (also works)

X3 Turncoat snaps: Benedict pics

X4 "Wong" image: Benedict pics

Legal command: Writ pics

Pictures of twigs: Stick pics

A Christmas Story scene: lick pics

Pictures of a Winter Saint: Nick pics

Syringe photos: prick pics (from a friend)

Sporting goods store images: Dick's pics.

Dan Harmon cartoon character: Rick's pics.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/AndySkibba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
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Someone has collapsed on the luggage carousel at Heathrow Airport today

Medics at the scene have said " they are coming round slowly "

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/2canVANdam
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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Did you hear about the lettuce farmer who was murdered on his way to the farmers' market?

They found his romaines at the scene of the crime.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/JakeIsTheEnemy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance

When I fled the scene of the accident.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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Why was the writer kicked off of the movie set?

He was making a scene!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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What do you call an emtional covid 19 immunization?

A Vacc-scene

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/fanklinthefox
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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In recent news, a giant had a troubling discovery when he returned home from work.

After discovering he'd been given a parking ticket, the giant exclaimed in disappointment as he approached his house. This startled a burglar inside, causing him to flee from the property but not before trapping his stubby digit in the door, causing him to leave blood at the scene. Thankfully, the giant's powerful nasal abilities allowed him to aid police as he was able to detected the exact nationality and gender of the robber in question. When interviewed, the giant simplified the story for us by saying,

"Fee, Fie, Foe, Thumb, I smell the blood of an English Man."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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Did you hear about Chinese restaurant that blew up?

Scenes of wonton destruction.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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I dad jokes my dentist while she was actively working on me.

Scene- Me, at dentist, having teeth removed. She was having a bit of trouble with some of them and this was while she had instruments in my mouth. There's some pain after maximum amount of anesthetic she can give me. Asks me how I'm doing.

Me- There is some pain in the teeth after numbing but it isn't anything I can handle.

Dentist- Last time you were here we didn't have a problem but this time your teeth are being a major pain in the butt.

Me- My teeth are a pain in the butt? No wonder people say I talk out of my ass way too much.

She had to stop for a bit to finish laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ‘€︎ u/nodnarb232001
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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Did you hear about the cow farm destroyed in the tornado?

The scene was udder annihilation.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nevets52
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
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A pun walks into a bar, ten people die on the spot.

Pun in, ten dead

Edit: The police quickly arrived at the scene, surrounding the bar. The pun was trapped in the bar but it decided to hold on and have a shoot out with the police instead of surrendering. Sadly, the pun was shot. He was pun out dead at the scene.

Edit: Nobody attended the puns funeral, they all at ten ded.

-Mic drop-

Edit: Wasn’t that a killer pun?

Edit: Unfortunately I told about 10 puns before this one. Did any of them land? No. No pun in ten did.

(Credit To killsforsporks and TLo137 for the last 2 edits)

πŸ‘︎ 487
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fanthom12
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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Channel Shark News

I wrote a little skit for my grandkids let's see how much I remember. CHUM 8 news Ted Hammerhead reporting with sky Chompter traffic report. Top story, a lone shark, who is a loan shark is alone in the dark making loans to sharks! There is a new place to gamble, the place is full of sharks who turn out to be card sharks playing card games with sharks on the cards. Imagune the dogs playing poker for this story, but it's sharks. The other reporter asks Ted Hammerhead how he did on his recent drivers test, Ted responds "nailed it". Crime scene where a clown has been killed and the Detective states, " No way a shark did this as they taste funny". On a comment about the victim. I never did the weather or figured out names for the other reporters we used to laugh and laugh at my stupid puns.

Edit: I can't spell fixed typos

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/Phroedrick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
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Daughter: Eww! There's a fly in my water

Dad: Don't worry, it won't drink very much

Scenes from last night's dinner table

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/tetrix_
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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You hear about the pig farmer that tried to make it big in Hollywood?

Had to move back home because he had too many poor scenes

**thought of it on the bus ride home, be gentle haha

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ‘€︎ u/SirTurkTurkelton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
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I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up…

Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Dad'.

With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
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a vegetarian killed his wife.

at the murder scene, the police found a note that said "please help me, my life is at steak."

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ‘€︎ u/Big_Daddy_J_420
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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I was wrongly fired from my job as a stage designer today...

I left without making a scene.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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Back To The Future

Hey do you remember that one scene from Back To The Future where Marty McFlew across the room?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/PastaBandit200
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
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Not a dad, and I hope this isn't a bad one!

Say, a certain age demographic has a fascination with pandas fighting in boxing rings. If a movie studio takes note of this and shoves an unrelated, random panda-in-a-boxing-ring scene in their movie, would it be seen as...


πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/VZmatthews
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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A murder happened at a local grocery store...

When the police showed up, everything was in disarray. Employees were panicked. Family members were present, and crying. The lead detective approached the scene of the crime to see what happened. Milk was spilled all over the floor, and spoons were scattered everywhere. The detective spoke after a moment of thinking and said, β€œThis appears to be the work of a cereal killer.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wolff_X
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
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My 3 year old dad joked me

We were watching Cars 2. In this movie, there is a scene where one of the characters, 'Mater' (a happy go lucky 'southern' towtruck) eats a bunch of wasabi thinking it's pistachio icecream. My 3 year old turns to me and says " hehe, he ate spice-cream" then burst out laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/serb2212
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2017
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Mother: What shall we name him?

Disclaimer, I am a mom, not a dad and my teenager gave me a dirty look when I told her this joke which I was very pleased to think up.

[Scene: Hospital Delivery Room.

Father holding his bundled newborn.

Mother of the child looking on lovingly from hospital bed.]

Mother: What shall we name him?

Father: His name is Mike.

(drops baby)

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ‘€︎ u/StcStasi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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My Waitress Tonight Told I Had To Post This

Scene: Dinner for my mom's birthday at a very nice (expensive) restaurant.

Waitress: Your steak comes with a choice of the vegetable of the day or a twice baked potato.

Me: Are twice baked potatoes and refried beans prepared similar ways or is that just a naming coincidence?

W: Laughing Oh my God. Our bartender and I were just talking about funny "dad jokes" on reddit! I didn't expect to hear one in person. Do you use reddit?

M: Umm... Yeah... I actually follow r/dadjokes but I'm not a dad and

W: You should post that joke there!

I have no idea if she will see this but my wife said I had to let everyone know about a redditor interaction. I hope she does because the food was awesome and she was a fantastic waitress beyond being a fellow redditor.

I still have no idea if twice baked potatoes and refried beans have any link...

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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Did you hear about Jane who fell into the meat chopper ? They say it was an accident.

Well, I had been on the scene and disagree with that.

To me it looked like a mincident

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Snipes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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I dadjoked my wife

[Scene: my wife is changing our 9-month-old daughter's diaper.]

Wife: "Ever since she started eating solid foods, her diapers have gotten awful."

Me: "Yeah. Shit just got real."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/RadicalBender
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2013
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My boyfriend got me good.

Scene: Bf was getting ready for a skate session and discovered a tiny pocket in the back on the waistband of his shorts intended for keys.

Me: Don't put your keys there, you might fall and get stabbed in the kidneys.

Bf: It's cool, I still have two adult knees.

Me: Oh my god.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ‘€︎ u/fionananana
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2013
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Dad joked the frito lay guy

Scene- Frito lay guy unloading truck at the local grocery store.

Dad- walks up to the frito guy, puts his hand on his shoulder and says to him, "they only call you when the chips are down"

Frito guy- laughs all the way back to the truck

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/thegoodwookie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2015
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Just got destroyed by my 4yr old daughter.

This just happened... to me?.......

To set the scene,

My daughter was being nice and carrying her Nanas bowl and fork to the sink.

Dad: How many turds does it take to put a bowl and fork in the sink?

Daughter: One.

Daughter puts bowl in sink..

Dad: Haha! you were right it only took one!

Daughter: Yeah, cause you helped.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ‘€︎ u/H4WK1RK
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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When I realized how terrible the play was, I quietly resigned from my job as a stage designer.

I left without making a scene.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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Dwayne β€œThe Rock” Johnson would never have been part of the Titanic movie.

He would have sunk in the first scene.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ‘€︎ u/alf0nzo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
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Just got my fiance while watching "Planet Earth"

We were just on the couch watching an episode of "Planet Earth" and during a scene about animals in rivers, she asks me,

"What's the difference an alligator and a crocodile?" in all earnest.

Immediately I replied, "one you see later, and the other you see in a while."

I got the DIRTIEST look after it took a second for the joke to hit home.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ‘€︎ u/PastaFazool
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2016
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A family affair

My youngest was watching Netflix, deciding on a few episodes of Captain Underpants. In one particular episode, the titled character is forced to share a room with a clown. My wife, watching this show, laughs about him having Coulrophobia (Fear of clowns), and repeatedly panicking in subsequent scenes. Finally near the episode, she asks ,"What did that clown ever do to him?"

My response: "Nothing. He's It's Cousin. Pound Foolish"

Wife stares at me. Blinks twice. Goes back to watching the TV that has more comedy than her idiot husband

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Coulrophiliac444
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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Dad-joked my own Father while we were driving home.

My Dad and I were watching "Iron Man" on his truck's DVD player while he was driving me home. It cuts to a scene where someone was driving an Audi.

Dad: Ooh, that's a nice car.

Me: Meh, I don't like it.

Dad: You don't like the Audi?

Me: Nope.

Dad: Get out.

Me: You want me to get Audi your car?

Dad: ΰ² _ΰ² 

The groan he emitted was magnificent.

Edit: Individuals seem to be upset about him occasionally watching while he was driving. I apologize if this offends anyone. I talked to him, and he says he will make sure to only watch when he is stopped/parked. I will make sure he does so. Thank you for the concern!

πŸ‘︎ 787
πŸ‘€︎ u/TaylorAlexis
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2015
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My favorite dad joke

[scene: me coming in the door]

My kids: "Dad, you're back!"

Me: "Yeah! And hey look... my front, too!"

Ah man... kills me every time. :-D

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/fieryseraph
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
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There's a bloke just collapsed on the London Eye.

Paramedics are on the scene and they say he's coming round slowly.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
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I was called in to investigate the murder of Smokey, the forest fire fighter.

It was a grizzly scene, almost too much to bear.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
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A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor

A police officer walks into a tattoo parlor, hoping to get something cool drawn onto his shoulder. He walks up to the artist and shows him a picture of what he wants. In large text on a ribbon it says, "Protect and Serve." Below it, is a picture of a a badge, a pair of handcuffs, and a pistol. The tattoo artist is very good at his job, and says he can get this done in one session, so the officer sits down and the artist gets started. A few hours later, the artist is just finishing up, inking the last details of his service weapon. Once the last line is inked on the trigger, the cop gets up from his chair and looks in the mirror to see his new tattoo. His face twists into a look of shock and terror, pulls out his gun and opens fire onto the tattoo artist, killing him in the process. He gets on his radio, calling for backup, and took a defensive position until a few more cops and the police chief showed to the parlor minutes later. The chief, while examining the scene asks the officer, "What the hell? Why did you shoot this guy?" The cop says, "What did you expect me to do? The guy drew a gun on me!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
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Endgame spoiler Alert.

I couldn't help but think that the final confrontation between Thanos and Tony Stark would be the ultimate dad joke in the universe. Might not sound like much, but this is how that scene played out in my head.

Thanos (about to snap, after the scuffle with Tony) : I am... inevitable.

Tony : Hi inevitable, I'm Iron Man.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
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My Great Grandpa warned everyone that the Titanic would sink. Nobody listened.

He continued to make a scene until they threw him out of the theatre.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ‘€︎ u/n3rv0u5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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An exchange I remember seeing in a cartoon or movie a long time ago

I don't remember what it's from, but I do remember that the scene involved a squad of soldiers with their sergeant coming across the enemy, and it went like this:

Sergeant: Fire at will!
Private: Uh, who's Will?
Sergeant: Just shoot, you idiot!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/MajorRobotnik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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Law and Order Bel-Air

How did they know Will Smith was at the Crime scene?

He left Fresh Prints

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Legomaniac316
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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Did you hear about the bear that got murdered?

It was a grizzly scene.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/CorbinSeabass
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report

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