Running Christmas Puns

She said I wish you would put as much effort into life as you do your shitty jokes. It wasnt even that bad.

The man on the news said "...in the run up to christmas stores are already announcing record sales" I said "thats not news HMV* announces record sales everyday".

*HMV is a music shop.

Its Christmas eve and santa claus has forgotten to check the weather before his Christmas run . Just before leaving he asks Mrs claus "what's the weather like for tonight?" "Rain dear" she replies

Dad: A lot of people have heart attacks over Christmas, I hope the funeral home isn't too busy.

Me: It's probably dead.

Dad: I'm worried they're running a skeleton crew.

We're at my Grandma's for Christmas and my uncle who lives with her works today.

Uncle Rob: "Well, I gotta get running." Mom: "A car would be faster."

~ba dum tsssss~

I was asked to help chauffeur a carload of youth around town for a Christmas caroling activity last night. One of the names on the list was Jack, who lost his wife earlier this year. Jack is in his early 90's, stands about 5'2, and is quite possibly the king of all dad jokes.

So, the group of about 25 kids and 5 adults sneak up to his doorstep and begin singing a few short Christmas carols. Eventually, he opens the door and is thrilled to have visitors.

After we are finished singing and the kids are all running back to the vehicles to get out of the 15 degree weather, jack steps out of his doorway and on to his porch. He is wearing a light t-shirt and pajama pants... he was setting us up, and we took the bait, hook, line, and sinker.

Woman: Are you freezing?

Jack: No, I'm not freezing, I'm Jack (pause for laughter)

Jack: but if you hang on for just a minute, I can get freezing for you.

and then he just stood there smiling at us. It was precious. Come to find out, Jack is entering a retirement home in a few days because he is getting to the point that it is hard to take care of himself anymore.

Oh boy, those nurses are in for a treat once Jack gets settled in.

/r/dadjokes I need your advice.

I was talking to my friend today, asking him about his plans. He casually told me "I might go to the gym, but probably not, I'm running late". To which I replied "Well, you can run a bit later!"

What does this mean? Am I a dad now? Has that girl I slept with at Christmas time had a baby and not told me?

Thanks for your advice!

I'm a pianist in a jazz band. Today, our drummer was running late. A bit into the rehearsal, he runs in and the band stops playing.

Drummer: sorry I'm late... what are we playing? Leader: "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." Drummer: well, that's an awfully nice thing for you to say to someone who just showed up late to your rehearsal, thanks!

Setting: Watching my father struggle with his skiing gear as I met him on the mountain for some Christmas runs.

Me- sarcastically Dad, You are so strong.

Father- Aw, honey, thank you! But smell isn't everything.

~~

I've heard this one many times, but not for a few years. Forgot it's awesomeness. Merry Christmas to Dads and their jokes and the kids who repeatedly hear them.