Rolling Loud Puns

Wasabi

Are the eye rolling and sighing from my wife when I read them out loud. XD

I was sitting at a moderately crowded bar last night enjoying dinner when an older couple came up and sat next to me. We exchanged hellos and I continued eating my jambalaya. After a bit, the husband finally knew what he wanted to drink.

Husband: "Do you have (so and so) beer?"

Bartender: "Hang on a sec, I'll check."

As the bartender walked away, the husband held both of his arms in the air, closing his hands into fists right above his head, a la Steve Holt. After about 30 seconds, and you could tell she really didn't want to, the wife asks what he's doing.

Wife: "Honey, why are your arms in the air?"

Husband: "I'm hanging on."

The wife rolls her eyes and I laugh inappropriately loudly. He grins.

So at this point, the joke has been made. It's over. But no! He's in it for the long haul. He kept his arms in the air for a solid 3 more minutes, just so the bartender could get in on the joke. She returns with his bottle of beer.

Husband: "Can I stop hanging on now?"

Bartender groans.

Wife: "Yes, please."

I admire his dedication. And his taste in beer.

She went to her sister's for some sort of clothing-buying party thing, and was telling me about a dress she was handed:

"It was crazy, all these dresses had these really loud prints."

Me: "Huh. Would they look good riding in a little red corvette?"

Cue eye rolling and my hysterical laughter.

Riding home with my girlfriend (now wife because of this) and we crossed over some railroad tracks. I let out a loud, "hmmmm."

She said, "What?"

Me, "A train must have just come through here."

She, "How do you know that?"

Me, "Because it left its tracks."

Me laughing hysterically, I could actually hear her eyes roll.

One of my favorites and eight years later, we're still together. The ladies love dad jokes.

My wife was figuring out how to breastfeed for the first time and she asked herself out loud, "How do I know if she is rooting for the nipple?" I told her that it would sound something like this, "Go nipple go nipple go! Go nipple go nipple go!" She rolled her eyes and my dad status was officially achieved. I'm looking forward to a long, successful career.

So last night we were brushing our teeth before going to bed, and I ask her "You know why eating a clock is a bad idea?"
She looks at me funny, because she knows what's coming.
"Because it's very time consuming."
She just rolls her eyes, and goes to bed. But because the joke was in English, and English isn't our first language, I think she didn't quite get it.
A minute after she lies down, I hear a loud groan coming out of bed, followed by "that was really, really lame, honey!"

Over the weekend, while working in the yard, a neighbor walked by and asked if I had seen their dog. I told her I hadn't, but I would keep watch out for it.

A little bit later a police cruiser pulled up and asked if I had seen a shih tzu. I told them that there was one in Columbus and one in Cincinnati, but they were both pretty good. The passenger rolled his eyes, but the driver literally laughed out loud. The dad was apparent.

After finishing his chores, A***** asked if he could finally play Destiny on his XBOX. It was followed by yelling from his bedroom.

Me: "What's wrong?!"

Him: "The server is down!!"

Me: "I guess it just wasn't your Destiny to play the game this morning."

And then I let out a loud mom-laugh and he rolled his eyes and everything in my world was right again.

I was sitting in my philosophy class before it started and this girl walked in. She said she was looking for a left-handed desk since all the desks were adjusted to the right side. She finally gave up and sat next to me. I kind of mumbled to myself but loud enough for her to hear and said "It's the right supremacy." She looked over and gave a chuckle while rolling her eyes which was better than I expected.

There was a sign that said "no pedestrian traffic allowed" and I read it out loud when we passed, to which my dad replied "but are pedestrians a-quiet?" Needless to say, I rolled my eyes and he laughed.

Today in class someone asked my English teacher why he never turned the lights on in class. He jokingly responded "I never turn the lights on, note at home either, I always sit at home in the dark"

A few people chuckled, but then he responded seriously: "I never turn on the lights at school. At home I do though, however not on my bedroom. You see, when I stand like this (and then he faced towards the girl who asked him the question) I have a big window in my back." To which I quickly responded "What? A window in your back? I have mine in a wall."

Not a lot of people heard it, but one guy laughed out really loud, and a classmate just rolled his eyes and was like "dude.."

My family and I walked into the sheep barn at the county fair. My son proclaims loudly. " dad, it stinks in here" to which I reply. " ya ,it smells like ewe". While looking him dead in the eye. It took all involved about 15 seconds before eyes were rolled and the usual ohh daaaad commenced.