After getting a lot of negative reviews due to their rather poor string section, the LAPD Police Band decided to lose all the strings from their performances.

It was finally the long-awaited end of police violins.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OlaviVirtahepo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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i was reading Yelp reviews of local mortuaries

found one that was rated cad-average.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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A nuclear power plant put up a new sign outside that read, "Post your positive reviews of us on social media!"

They were just fission for compliments.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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Ladies and gentlemen. New host of meme review.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shadow--guardian
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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Did you see the Yelp! review of Orion's belt?

it's so, so it only has 3 stars

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anvil-14
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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my review of the solar system

1 star

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HaddockMaster
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2018
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What kind of dinosaur writes reviews of wine?

The connoisaur.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2018
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I started writing a review of this new brew pub

but tore it up after my first draft.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Denda
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2013
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I left a bad review after buying the Ship of Theseus

I didn't get what I paid for

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daneah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2017
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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We know the effects of second hand smoke are terrible.

Does anyone have peer reviewed studies on the effects of minute hand smoke?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Millenial
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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Why does Orion’s belt only have three stars?

Well, some of the reviews say it’s just a waist of space

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πŸ‘€︎ u/juhaodbrokule
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
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Hey dad, did you hear about the new roof game?

I haven’t played it yet, but the reviews are up there.

*Courtesy of my 9 year old. He’s going to make a great dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcox1124
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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Why haven’t aliens visited yet?

They checked the reviews of our solar system and only saw one star

πŸ‘︎ 450
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iFlyHighh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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Early morning work groans are the best groans

A little too proud of this one...

So I’m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...

With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says β€œJust so you all know, I’m on the call but I’m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distracted”.

I couldn’t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against it’s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...

β€œIs your dog lookin at it?

Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!”

I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and β€œthat was awful”’s... It was glorious. I’m pretty sure I’ll get another promotion for it.

EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OreoGaborio
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
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Two NASA engineers were arguing...

Two NASA engineers were arguing over the feasibility of building a high tech satellite that could see everything, anywhere in the galaxy, by orbiting a spherical lens around a mirrored device at various ranges of orbit. An application controlling the length of the O-Range (range of orbit) would pull the lens in, then release it, and centripetal force would pull it out again. The length of the "app pull", the distance the application would pull the lens back from orbit, had to be precise to ensure proper visibility at all times.

One of the scientists argued that the math to ensure total visibility at all times did not work. Eventually, they brought in another scientist to settle the argument. After several moments reviewing the math the two scientists had done on the board, their colleague spoke out.

"It's so obvious why you two cannot come to a conclusion," he said, "you're comparing app pulls to o-ranges!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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I'm proud of myself

In the middle of a meeting. "How many do we need to review?" "Hmmmm... About ten..ish" "Sean Connery favourite sport" Half the room groaned... Half didn't get it. I was smiling for at least a couple hours

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeautifulLurker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
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Isaac was helping Abraham to build a gaming PC.

They found all the parts that they needed on online, and we're ready to order. Right before Abraham hit the Checkout button, Isaac reviewed the contents of the order:

Isaac: "Dad, you're missing the memory."

Abraham: "God will provide the RAM."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IdonJuanTatalya
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
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Dad-joked my teacher today

So, today was my CNC class. For those that don't know what CNC is, it's basically the computer programming, and execution of automated machining and manufacturing. To program it, there is a very long script you have to write to tell the machine what to do.

He was reviewing his own code in front of the whole class, when he realized something, he's missing an R-plane. He says "Where is my R-plane?" I respond, "Probably at the R-port"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/She_Likes_Cloth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2014
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Underground House Music

"This review says they have the best underground house music in all of Miami"

Dad: "Is that called the foundation?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcschs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
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EMT teacher got us with this one

We were reviewing different forms of traumatic injuries in my EMT class such as traffic collisions, gun shot wounds, and resulting effects and treatments for the injuries when my teacher pulls this one on us:

Teacher: "So what would come after falls then?"

Student: "Spinal immobilization?"

Teacher: "Winters."

Edit: some words

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lock-n-Toad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2016
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So how come the scientist avoided the boardwalk?

Because of the pier review

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smashcuts
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2016
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my whole office groaned at me. it was glorious.

so the events manager was coordinating with the head chef at my job (i work at a hotel).

they were discussing the three types of fish they currently had in stock and people's receptions. the general consensus regarding the first was positive. they moved on to the second which also received rave reviews. they left out discussion of the third. from my chair about 20 yards away i proclaim;

"i guess the third is a whole other fish to fry!"

audible groan from everyone in the office. success.

my dad would be proud.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/king09
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2015
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So my parents are car shopping...

Dad was telling me about all of his research he's doing before they make their purchase. He reads reviews and watches videos and asks friends, the whole nine yards. He said that some of the highest rated cars he's seen, such as from Consumer Report, are just really ugly to him. The following conversation ensued:

Me: What's so ugly about them? Can you put your finger on it?

Dad: Well, your mom and I are going to visit a dealership next week, so then I'll be able to put my finger on it. Get it? Because I'll be able to touch-

Me: Yeah, I get it.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2016
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Husband got me with a double-whammy

Set-up: I'm reviewing an essay for a classmate and his grammar is lamentable. I'm giving my husband some examples.

Me: He switches tenses mid-sentence and keeps using "begin" instead of "began."

Husband: The problem with people like you is that you're always too tense.

Me: Then get over here and give me a massage!

Husband: No, I believe in women's rights and would never want to be massage-onistic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amaranthfae
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2014
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Dad Joked by a Thomas Jefferson Impersonator at Work Today

Would this be considered a dad joke or an 18/19th century dad joke? Either way, I just about walked out the building after reading this.

ME: Hi Tom,

Thank you for taking the time to speak with me today and if there is anything we can do in the future, please don't hesitate to ask.

I was hoping you would be able to leave a Yelp review for other potential clients to see. I know that we will not be working together anymore, but we would really appreciate the feedback.

Thomas Jefferson: Matt,

Happy to offer you an encomium, however, I know of no connection between hounds striking the line of scent on a fox and complimenting a business enterprise of the 21st century.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smashfield5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2016
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Old man and I have entered a new realm

I've never been close with my dad, but he got me good this morning. My band got a short review online, and the first image is another band's picture of shirtless, tattooed dudes.

Dad (sarcastically): Is that you guys, half-naked and tattooed up?

Me: Ha, yeah that's us. Nobody's ever noticed till now.

Dad: I know, I barely even recognized you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/king_england
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2015
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Two actors...

are practising a walking out of a room scene. One asks the other if they should film it for later review. The other replies 'no lets just see how we go'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmabbz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2014
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My history teacher cracked this one

We were doing early morning review sessions for AP euro. I was running late and instead of cooking breakfast, I just grabbed a package of ramen noodles to eat in review.

While in review, I was happily munching on my 'breakfast' when my teacher walked up to me. The following conversation ensued.

Teacher: What are you eating?

Me: Just some ramen.

Teacher: Raw?

Me: Yeah, I like it raw.

Teacher: You don't cook it?

Me: Sometimes when I have the time.

Teacher: Well, you know, if you cooked it, it wouldn't be RAWmen.

groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gazzy7890
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2014
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My review of our solar system:

one star

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
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My dad told me he would never want to go to space...

because he read a review that said the place didn't have much of an atmosphere.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chumpynut5
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2013
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