Yesterday I received my second round of the Russian covid-19 vaccine...
It appears completely safe, with ΠΈo side effects whatsoeveΡ, and I feelshΞΊΞΉ ΟoΟoshΞΏΜ Ρ ΡΡΠ²ΡΡΠ²ΡΡ ΡΠ΅Π±Ρ Π½Π΅ΠΌΠ½ΠΎΠ³ΠΎ ΡΡΡΠ°Π½Π½ΠΎ ΠΈ Ρ Π΄ΡΠΌΠ°Ρ, ΡΡΠΎ Π²ΡΡΠ°ΡΠΈΠ» ΠΎΡΠ»ΠΈΠ½ΡΠ΅ ΡΡΠΈ.
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︎ Apr 16 2021
I received all kinds of spices for my birthday, but I don't cook. I think...
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︎ Apr 17 2021
I received a break-up note from a quarter.
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︎ Apr 10 2021
How did the detective describe the mysterious package he received?
He said it was an open and shut case.
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︎ Apr 20 2021
Just received a masters degree in 'garden fencing'.
I am now a post graduate.
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︎ Mar 28 2021
And the Lord said unto John, βCome forth and you will receive eternal life.β
But John came fifth - and won a toaster.
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︎ Apr 07 2021
I came in first at the science fair and received a new telescope...
It wasnβt bad for a constellation prize.
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︎ Mar 19 2021
I received a letter with no address on today, who was it intended for?
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︎ Mar 04 2021
It must be tough working in the shipping and receiving department of a zoo.
No one ever addresses the elephant in the room.
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︎ Dec 10 2020
Iβve just received another rejection letter from a publisher regarding my autobiography.
Thatβs the story of my life
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︎ Jan 29 2021
An Ophthalmologist receives a birthday present from his colleague Gynaecologist.
Ophthalmologist: - "Ahh, thank you so much! This is a crystal ball in the shape of an Eye. For your birthday I will...."
Gynaecologist: "Don't even think about it!"
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︎ Feb 14 2021
Living with my friend Cole can be tough sometimes.
He's got all these really weird rules you have to follow, like whenever you eat cabbage, he insists you have to eat it with mayonnaise.
It's just Cole's law.
(Thought of this one whilst trying to come up with puns to annoy my husband. He abhors dad jokes, and receiving this look -_- means I did a good job.)
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︎ Mar 25 2021
At this year's graduation cermony @ UCLA, James Hetfield will receive the Jim Henson memorial degree...
...he will finally get his Masters of Puppets. π€
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︎ Dec 11 2020
I just received a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my old clothes to the starving people around the world...
I told them, "Anyone who fits into my clothes, certainly isn't starving. "
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︎ Dec 17 2020
Why didnβt the passengers receive flowers when their plane landed in Hawaii?
Their flight was deleied.
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︎ Dec 02 2020
My wife bought me a new shirt for my birthday!
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︎ Oct 10 2020
Bonnie Tyler's new range of biscuits have received good reviews
They're good dunkers, but every now and then they fall apart
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︎ Oct 09 2020
*Ted receiving the Best Dentist award at the Dentist award show*
This award is my crowning achievement but this is the only plaque thatβs allowed in my house.
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︎ Sep 08 2020
Police have issued an appeal after receiving complaints from farmers that their Cows are being stolen during the night...
Apparently they are looking for a man with a big moo-stash.
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︎ Sep 23 2020
I am going to tell you a TCP joke
And I am going to keep telling it until you get it.
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︎ Feb 18 2021
I received a verifiable threat against my Boston cream pie
So I had it placed in protective custardy
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︎ Sep 24 2020
The capital of India received a large shipment of refrigerators for displaying meat but they were contaminated with coronavirus...
it was a lot of new deli cases
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︎ Sep 29 2020
What did the baby say when he saw his food in front of him?
PurΓ©e!!!
(I literally just came up with this and am a new dad. Please be gentle)
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︎ Jan 11 2021
After releasing his hit song about his farm, Old Mac Donald started receiving some letters from his fans.
"Eβ βIβ βEβ βIβ βO"
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︎ Aug 12 2020
Upon receiving his meal at a restaurant,
The practitioner uttered through a smile, βjust what the doctor orderedβ.
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︎ Sep 21 2020
Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present
And inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential. Disappointed, she sets the deed down and says, "I don't want a lot for Christmas!"
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︎ Dec 01 2020
I commissioned an artist to make me a set of letters of the alphabet out of cast iron.
I received A, B, C, D, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z.
I'm missing the iron E.
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︎ Apr 08 2021
I received an email today from the owner of a German sausage processing plant, he said I could have it for only 1000β¬
I agreed and wired him the money. Whatβs the wurst that could happen?
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︎ Jun 27 2020
Why did the scarecrow receive an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
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︎ Aug 26 2020
I recently received a book with βdo not read until the year 2030β written on the cover
But thatβs a story for another time
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︎ May 16 2020
We received your test results from the urologist...
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︎ Jul 05 2020
Iβve been watching the John Wayne Gacy documentary series on Peacock. Really creepy and fascinating. Surprisingly, despite being a cannibal murderer, he was a stickler for etiquette.
Anyone who arrived late to one of his dinner parties received a cold shoulder.
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︎ Apr 07 2021
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
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︎ Dec 17 2020
How does a skeleton receive mail?
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︎ Jul 14 2020
I created a new post earlier but received loads of hateful comments...
Now I've got post traumatic stress
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︎ Jul 19 2020
I suddenly couldn't go out and act because I received lots of crates of materials...
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︎ May 24 2020
PSA: if you receive an email with the subject ding dong. Whatever you do, donβt open it.
Itβs the Jehovahβs witnesses working from home
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︎ May 12 2020
What does a dog receive after he finishes his PHD in genetics?
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︎ Jun 18 2020
My customers keep complaining that they're receiving empty boxes with no contacts in them
but they're the ones that keep requesting contactless delivery!
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︎ Jun 04 2020
Tried this on daddit and it was not well received, got a hard eye roll and a giggle from my daughter, am I doing this right? I need some help with my leeky bowl.
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︎ Feb 12 2020
I'm flying to Oslo tomorrow to receive an award for losing so much weight.
I've won a Nobellly Prize.
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︎ May 06 2020
Whatβs the best birthday present to receive?
A broken drum. You just canβt beat it.
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︎ Apr 20 2020
Jesus said unto John. Come forth and receive eternal life.
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
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︎ Aug 21 2020
And god said to John βcome forth and ye shall receive eternal life.β
But John came in fifth and only got a toaster.
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︎ Oct 01 2020
And god said to John, come forth and receive eternal life
But he cane fifth and won a toaster
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︎ Jul 30 2020
And the Lord said unto John "come fourth and receive eternal life"
But he came fifth and won a toaster.
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︎ Jul 30 2020
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