We’re you aware that the NFL has a rule on professional athletes and the animals they can own as pets? They are prohibited from owning a duck as a pet!
Which alcoholic drink can give you the illusion that you're hurt?
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
You can’t blame anyone for the road you’re on.
When you're driving but can't see that well...
Pretty much the first dad joke I've ever seen that requires a video punchline.
https://i.imgur.com/pfZya7P.gifv
Originally posted to /r/IdiotsInCars/ by /u/My_Memes_Will_Cure_U
We're doing everything right, I don't understand why we can't make a baby.
In England, if you pay money to live in a toilet, you can tell people you're a loo tenant
When I go for a walk with my best friend, he can’t help but stop and pet every animal he sees. He just thinks they’re so adorable!
I told my son, "Have you heard that they're shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can't eat?"
"Canteens?" he asked.
"No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
why can't you see the father of a person who identifies themself with a different gender than the one They're born with?
Son: "Dad I know you're an English teacher, but can I ask you the date in Roman Numerals?"
Dad: "I think you mean May I"
Can we uninstall 2020 and re-install it?
I can’t bake a pun that’ll crack you up because they’re all scrambled in my head
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?” Dad: “No, you’re grounded.”
Son: No fair!!
Dad: Exactly what I said.
We can now safely say that we're in the middle of World coronisation
So proud of my daughter! We’re watching the dog desperately trying to get the cat to play with her. Me: “Dog can’t hang because she’s a dump truck and and the cat is a Ferrari. Daughter:
Don’t you mean a “Fur-rari”?
I asked my nephew how old his dad was and he replied "six". I said "how can he only be six if you're six"?
He said "because he's only been a dad since I was born"
Credit:
u/Alphawolf227
What do you call it when you’re so drunk that you can’t speak?
Why can’t you let a Pokémon in the bathroom while you’re showering?
Because he might Peek-at-chu.
Optional addition NSFW or kids: And if he gets really excited, he might Squirtle.
Did you hear they're putting barcodes on all Norwegian ships so they can Scan-da-Navy-in.
People in wheelchairs can't stand when they're made fun of
You can tell the sex of ants by gently placing them on water. If they sink they are female, if not they're buoyant.
I can't wait!, they're finally making The Watchmaker movie.
I can't believe we still make pennies when it costs more than they're worth.
Just because you’re trash doesn’t mean you can’t do great things. It’s called garbage can, not garbage cannot.
I can read you're mind
You are thinking about my grammatical error.
If you're lying in bed, can you tell the truth?
When you’re depressed but you can’t pass up a pun opportunity.
“Son you can’t get married you’re allergic to Mellon’s”
Dad: "I can't believe they're still together after all of the crap they've been through..."
Mom: "Who?"
Dad: "My butt cheeks."
Why can't you get cell phone service when you're naked?
No shirt, no shoes, no service.
Without any natural border, how can you tell when you're in Finland, and when you're in Lapland?
Once you pass the last Lap, you're at the Finnish line.
I'll show myself out...
The flash, Batman, and Superman create a standup group. Can you guess what they’re called?
[At the delivery room] Me: You’re doing great, honey! Keep pushing! I can see a head!
Nurse: Sir, I think you are on the wrong end.
You can say that they're bee-witched
Pirates can be scary when they’re desperate, but it’s the ones with pegs that you gotta look out for.
They’re on their last leg.
Dad: I can’t believe you bought me a house! Son: You’re welcome. How do you like it?
Dad: I’m going to live in the present.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
13yo: if we're going through McDonald's, can we order ahead?
me: I don't think they sell heads anymore.
I can't wait until we're all gathered around the table and as we're about to eat, I'll ask my family as I do each and every year, "What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?"
And as the groans begin, I'll screech, "The letter G!"
"Every war movie has a bad guy named Will. Have you ever noticed that?" Uhhh, no can't say that I have dad. "Yeah, they're always yelling 'Fire at Will'!"
Probably a repost but literally just happened 2 minutes ago and saw my opportunity for a post.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
I can’t bake a good pun that will crack you up, they’re all just scrambled in my head
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
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