Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present

And inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential. Disappointed, she sets the deed down and says, "I don't want a lot for Christmas!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/corbillardier
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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It ain't easy being purr-fect
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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Still up for sale?
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EC097
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
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Just found it
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Craftmine101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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This pun is a hit
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Devanshi1618
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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Why did the city support the music hall being repurposed as a shopping mall?

Harmonic Re-zone-ance

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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Why do military bases have such little amounts of insects?

Because they are strict no-fly zones.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/minecraftepic420
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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Karaoke barred

Just got kicked out of a karaoke bar for singing "Danger Zone" five times

Apparently I exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts..

(from twitter)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
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Why can't you post to Reddit in a cemetery?

Because it's a dead zone.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nixgto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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What road did the Three Wise Men take to visit baby Jesus?

The highway to the manger zone.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotSamsquanch
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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Where do you buy car parts in 962-973 AD Rome?

Otto's Zone.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedMelon424
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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I once had a job in a t-shirt factory

I once had a job in a t-shirt factory. Every day, t-shirts would come down the line, and using this big rubber stamp, I’d apply a handful of dots to them, at random, to just given them a general design that wasn’t blank t-shirt. It was soul sucking, but it paid the bills.

However, I kept running into a problem. I wasn’t applying the dots fast enough. It was a mental thing - I’d get hung up on where should I apply the next dot so it doesn’t look bad, etc. But one of the guys who’d been there longer than I had gave me a piece of advice. He told me to cross to my eyes. That way, I could just kinda zone out and hit the t-shirt a few times randomly without paying much attention to where exactly I was applying the dots. It worked like magic.

Well eventually I was getting ready to leave the factory and they had me train my replacement. It only took one day. I left him with one piece of advice. I told him not to get too hung up on the specific details but just to make sure he dotted his tees and crossed his eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoyoteTheFatal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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I told my teen daughter to invite all the boys she texts over for Thanksgiving...

We're gonna call it a Friends-zone-giving.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LazySumo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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I heard SEGA received an offer to collaborate with Square Enix for a new Sonic RPG, but turned them down

The workplace was a No-Fly Zone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OrokinSkywalker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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A waitress was taking an order from a dad and a 4 year old at a table.

The kid kept screaming, screeching poorly-articulated profanities at the disinterested father. Over the screaming chaos, the father managed to order a water for himself, and an orange juice for his kid. The waitress came by with the drink, and within moments the kid smashed his cup onto the floor out of pure, unaimed toddler rage, spilling the drink all over the floor and the waitress.

The father apologized, but asked if the gremlin could still have a second orange juice, hoping the kid would miraculously calm down. The waitress conceded despite the terribly behaved toddler, and returned to the shrieking zone with a second orange juice. She had forgotten to clean up the puddle of orange juice however, and slipped. The cup of juice went straight into the kid's face, and like a fire extinguisher to a flame, the kid just went silent, as if a lesson had been learned. Everyone in the restaurant looked at the table in silence.

Juice twice had finally been served.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TahLoow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
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Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?

The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raclex
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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/r/baseball did not appreciate my post - I think it’s better suited here anyway

I have a bunch of stupid baseball questions. I know most of the rules, I just want to make sure I have all my bases covered.

  • Imagine there’s a fan of the team that is currently fielding in the stands, and that said fan has a prosthetic arm. The batter hits a pitch and sends it on a home-run trajectory into the stands. If the fan in the stands throws his arm at the ball and diverts it back in the field of play, can they rightfully say that they were just β€œlending the team a hand” by stopping the home run?

  • Consider the exact opposite situation - the fan’s team is at bat and the batter hits a fly ball to the outfield. If Elastagirl from the Incredibles just happened to be the fan in question, can she spring into action and catch the ball before the outfielder has the chance to?

  • Now, imagine I smuggled a water gun into the stadium on a particularly hot day, and I managed to squirt sticky black liquid onto the batter. Does that mean he can take a walk since he was β€œhit by pitch”?

  • Consider the freak circumstance where a ball in motion collides with a bird, causing it to spiral in its descent and eventually collide in turn with an umpire. Can the player responsible for the ball’s motion be ejected from the game due to repeatedly flipping the bird at an umpire?

  • Can a losing team sub out their man on the mound with a large quantity of beer to prolong the game? There’d still be a pitcher on the mound!

  • If a pitcher throws a slider into the strike zone and the batter doesn’t swing, should the umpire consider it a strike, a ball, or the catcher’s dinner?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grumpy_princess
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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Why don’t cell phones work in a cemetery?

They are dead zones

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/an0m_x
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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So a frog's cousin went to a bar....

... on Friday night and parked in a zone that allowed 24 hour parking on weekends, but only 2 hour parking during the week. While he was there, a family member slipped something into his drink and sold him to a gang that traffics in frog legs. After the amputation he was taken to a hospital. He woke up to his mother telling him him the story you just read. He was a bit froggy from the sedatives, so he said "whaaaa?".

She replied: "I to'd you, toad, you got towed because you we're de-toed by de toad.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dakkamakka
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2018
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Dadjoked a manager over the walkie.

I was working the closing shift at a retail store where every associate carries a walkie. Before closing time, a manager will generally ask which departments need help zoning (cleaning, facing merchandise, etc) and the associates will help the other departments. The other night:

Manager: -kssht- How are we on the floor?

Me:- kssht- Gravity.

πŸ‘︎ 221
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetalJunkie101
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2015
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Why does no one have zippers on their pants in Syria?

It's a no fly zone

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/all_three_bolth
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2017
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Learn Chinese in 5 min

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES (You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...

  1. Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong
  2. Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding
  3. See me ASAP............. Kum Hia Nao
  4. Stupid Man...................... Dum Fuk
  5. Small horse... Tai Ni Po Ni
  6. Did you go to the beach?... Wai Yu So Tan
  7. I bumped in to a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
  8. I think you need a face lift... Chin Tu Fat
  9. It's very dark in here... Wao So Dim
  10. I thought you were on a diet... Wai Yu Mun Ching
  11. This is a tow away zone... No Pah King
  12. staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo
  13. He's cleaning his automobile... Wa Shing Ka
  14. Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu
  15. Great... Fa Kin Su Pah
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/edg0023
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
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Got my friend while fishing

My friend said there was a bunch of fish on the depth sounder so I told him to slow down the boat. When he asked why I said it's a school zone

πŸ‘︎ 229
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thewaayshegoes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2015
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Did you catch the new video from JewTube?

Isreali funny.

Sorry, I'm out of Mein Kampfort zone, Anne Frankly I'd like to apologize.

Here, have some orange jews from concentrate, straight from the oven.

I really got to Gestapo before I go crazy so that I can SS how bad these puns are.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CBtheDB
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2015
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What do you call a gaggle of white people?

A no-fly zone!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NateCampatition
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2017
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Why can't you play football in a road where there's a double yellow line?

Because it's a no passing zone!

.... I'll show myself out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Returningdarkness
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2017
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why did santa claus get a parking ticket?

because he was parked in a snow parking zone

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jnnx3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2017
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My dad just dropped this gem of all his jokes

At the cemetary visiting my grandparents and enjoying the view.

Mom (trying to get cell phone service): "Damn, I can't get any bars around here!

Dad: Yeah, it's a real dead zone around here.

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2013
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Say what you want about pedophiles,

But at least they drive slow through school zones....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LonelyPlanetPluto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2018
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My parents asked me why I was failing classes back in school....

so I said I was obeying the sign in the school zone that said "Do Not Pass."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diamondeyes18
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2017
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If we're driving down the freeway to go get car parts...

Does that mean we're on the highway to the Auto Zone?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kreekkrew
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2016
🚨︎ report
Almost got splashed by the water.

One hot day, my friend and I were at the amusement park. We were just about to walk through the splash zone for a water ride when we saw the come down the track and spray water everywhere. By the time we reached the splash zone, all that was left in the air was a light mist. "I wish we would've gotten hit with the water, but it mist."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mbrdfld3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2016
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Dad joked my bf while on the autobahn

We just got out of a construction zone and we were able to get into the passing lane to go faster. He mentioned that we had to go around this guy with a horse trailer. I could barely keep a straight face as I told him, "Yea, you would think with all of that horsepower, he would go faster." I couldn't stop giggling like a madwoman. He just looked at me like I was an idiot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/auntjomomma
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2014
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What's the smelliest part of the atmosphere called?

B-O-Zone

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustALuckyShot
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2017
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So I go to the zoo with my dad...

We're in the Australian zone and my dad turns to me and asks, "What do baby kangaroo brothers call each other?"

...

"Roo-mates."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zeekaran
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2016
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My wife is a dad...

We've been having problems with flies in our house. Today, as we were in the process of shooing them out an open window, she said, "Go away! This is a no-fly zone!"

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2016
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I Got My Son While Driving

My son and I were driving through a construction zone. The air contained the strong smell of the tar they were laying down.

I said, "You know how a tectonic fault is a big crack between two tectonic plates?"

"Yeah," he said, a quizzical look on his face.

"Does that make your butt-crack an asphalt?"

Groan, followed by a facepalm. :)

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daneelthesane
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2015
🚨︎ report
Got my girlfriend for the first time at the Hoover Dam!

I asked her what time it is and she said "We are in the pacific time zone now so..." And I said "well that's very S'Pacific'! And a moan ensued and then she said "let's just pretend you didn't just say that". I would call that a success!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bitingpuppy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2015
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My buddy got me on my lunch break the other day.

I work in a funeral home. Today I was having a conversation with my friend and the call failed. I called him back.

"Yea it said call failed, where are you that you have such bad signal?"

"Are you kidding? I'm home- I have great signal! You're the one with the poor reception! Where are you?"

"The funeral home."

"Exactly! That place is a DEAD zone."

groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clever_username-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2014
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Just got my boyfriend while driving home for Thanksgiving.

Me: Are we allowed to crate through work zones?

Him: What?

Me: Are we allowed to crate through work zones?

Him: I don't even know what you're saying...

Me: Well I just saw a sign that said 'Don't barrel through work zones', so can we crate through them?

Him:... Get out. Get out of my car.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Riyomiharu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2014
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My grandfather's pizza hut joke

Grandpa: "You know the p'zone from pizza hut?"

Me: "Yeah, Why?"

Grandpa:"What do you get if they create a lasagna?...... P'asagna!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winnsanity
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
🚨︎ report

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