Shopping for a Baby monitor
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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My wife just broke up with me. She's sick and tired of my constant Zodiac puns.

It Taurus apart. I'm in Pisces typing this.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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I got an email from Google saying "At Google Earth, we are able to read maps backwards!" and I thought;

"That's just spam!"

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jahnatan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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My grandfather died because the report said he had Type A blood.

Unfortunately it was a Type-O.

πŸ‘︎ 218
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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Remotely Yours

So we had this issue yesterday where secure shell commands were failing from our newly enabled backup system to a downstream application.

I logged in manually using the correct credentials to confirm the keys were fine, but I noticed it was the first time in known hosts, so i typed β€œyes” to put the entry in and figured that would fix it.

When the problem came back today, I was surprised at first, but then it hit me...

Same ssh -t different server...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KCandIO
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar

Get out of here! Shouts the bartender. We don't serve your type here.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/socdist
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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Dad Does Crossword...

Daughter:

>Type of fish used in salads. Four letters.

Dad:

>Dead

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gayesque
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a bloodbank.

The rabbit says: "I think i am a Type O."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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The US grows two different species of cherry trees

Washington and Michigan grow both the sweet type, which is great for eating raw, and the sour type, which is used in pies and sauces.

But California grows only the sweet type. It's untarted cherritory.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bitwiseshiftleft
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.

He finishes his drink and asks for his check.

Duck billed platypus.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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[an actual conversation I had with my beer loving father]

Me: "Hey dad, hypothetically, if the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?"

Dad: "I'd probably swap to pandas."

Me: "Is ... is that like a type of cider?"

Dad: "No, it's a black and white animal."

Me: "Dad? There aren't any pandas in New Zealand?"

Dad: "Well, there's no bears either."

πŸ‘︎ 463
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yupitsnoone
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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Why is the doctor at the blood bank picky about her dates?

She has A type

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cresendo77
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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I won't date just any font;

It has to be my type.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scungillipig
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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A man decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse, and goes to a local breeder

Not having much knowledge of the animals, he asks the owner to show him around and tell him about different breeds. "Sure, let's go," says the owner, and brings him over to the paddocks.

"So a lot depends on what you want the animal for," he says, and gestures to a powerful stallion running laps. "Over there, you've got your Type A horse: strong, fast, and a little unpredictable, but great if you want to get somewhere in a hurry."

"I think that'd be a little much for me," the man says, and the owner nods, then brings him over to see a mare quietly chomping at some hay in the shade. "This is a Type B horse - tends to be quiet and they're good companions, but not much for doing work."

The man pauses to think about what he wants the animal for, then looks over at a nearby pond and sees a horse swimming and diving over and over again. "What the heck is that one doing?" he asks the owner. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."

πŸ‘︎ 264
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Help!! Creative Minds Needed!!

My Dad has recently shown a fascination with space and NASA. Long story short, Christmas is coming up and my plan is to surprise him with an all expense paid trip to Florida for 4 days with passes to the Kennedy Space Center. I’d schedule it around a launch so he would be able to see it in person. As well as checking out the area a bit since we’re there.

Which is where I need your help! I want to coordinate hints with presents that slightly hint at the trip. For example, I picked out a NASA tshirt, a space shuttle plush toy, assorted astronaut ice cream, socks that have planets and a rocket on them, mug that says β€œcoolest dad in the galaxy,” a map/atlas of florida, and luggage tags. And the final gift I’m thinking will be a letter that puts all the clues together and would include the plane tickets, car rental agreement, hotel confirmation, and the admission tickets in an envelope.

Can anyone give me ideas on what hints to use??

  • I’m still adding/taking away present ideas so if anyone has any better ideas please let me know!!

Thank you so much!! Any type of help is appreciated!! I don’t really have that β€œcreative” part of the mind... whether it be a rhyme or dad joke-y type hint, it doesn’t matter!

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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There are 3 types of people in the world:

1: The ones who can count

3: The ones who can’t

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PossiblyDumb66
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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Borderline Inappropriate Dad Joke

This just happened...we get home from doing some Xmas shopping at a certain sporting goods store and my teenage daughter says...

"DAD! Where is your Dick's bag?"

I say "That's inappropriate" .... She looks at me curious like WTH are you talking about

I then say "We call it a condom."

She... pauses for a moment ... then "oh... MY GOD!"... and hysterical "I can't believe you just said that" type laughing ensues

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kindatrolly
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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Is this the right place for this?
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuicidualRussian
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
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Wind

Nature’s biggest fan

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thechiefheath
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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What is the most common misspelled blood group ?

Type O

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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Pun for Saul

Does anyone have a one word type of pun for the name Saul, something like Saul n Pepper

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GlenDa3rd
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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My brother told me this one ;-;

My great uncle died the other night. He lost too much blood and the doctors couldn't find a donor because they didn't know his blood type. However, the whole time, my great uncle was cheering them on saying, "Be Positive!"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notelonmusk__
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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Soon just got me without this one: "Hey Dad, want to hear a construction joke?"

Give me a second I'm still working on it.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wheezy360
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
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What do you call an American bee that loves sea ?

USB type-C

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaa_virus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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I can stop telling dad jokes anytime I want to!

But he really enjoys hearing them, so I don’t think I’ll quit just yet.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plmcalli
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
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Did you know that the Type O was actually meant to be Type Zero but....

It was misread to be Type O blood. I guess you could call it a typo.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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Request for help remembering a joke

Hello,

I am requesting help with remembering a joke. Posts of this type did not seem to be against the subreddit's rules, but if I am in error, please let me know and delete my post.

Anyway, here is what I remember of the joke:

It is movie themed and it says something like this: "There should be a post-apocalyptic zombie movie with a romantic comedy element. Then we would have the world's first rom-com-zom-dom-bomb." The only thing is that I forget what the "dom" was supposed to mean and whether or not there is more to this joke, either in the set-up or the punchline. I googled it to no avail. Any help is appreciated.

Thank you

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ontoforever
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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I had a date with a demon last night...

But I’m not really into the possessive type.

(My brotherβ€˜s joke not mine)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JohnnyXorron
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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Times New Roman, Arial, and Sans Serif walk into a bar

Before they can order a drink the bartender yells

"Get out, we don't serve your type here!"

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/APunchToThePuss
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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13 of my BEST Jokes

I used to be addicted to soap but ... I am clean now.

I am addicted to brake fluid but ... I can stop anytime.

If you are attacked by a group of clowns ... go for the juggler.

I just moved and IMMEDIATELY after we move in he starts banging on my door every night yelling at me ... coincidentally I just happen to be playing my drums those nights so I could easily tune him out.

I was just diagnosed with colorblindness ... It came right out of the purple.

I failed math so many times at school ... I can’t even count.

Once i threw a boomerang, it never came back, ... Now I live in CONSTANT fear

When life gives you melons ... you might be dyslexic.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline ... She hit the ceiling!

There are 3 types of people in this world, those who can count ... and those who can't

They say three out of five people suffer from diarrhea ... so ... does that mean two out of five enjoy it?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toydles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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What is blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue.

Edit : Thanks for the silver and gold

Edit 2 : Wow that blue up

Edit 3 : I never type "thanks for the ..." line, but since silver is also a colour, I did.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MolecularPotato
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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My dad didn't like the decision in Roe vs Wade

He said you had to see what type of river it was before you decide how to cross it.

πŸ‘︎ 147
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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I've got this friend in Japan. Her name's Kim.

So Kim runs an undergarment and such clothing store, and I recently ordered myself some pyjamas. I fortunately she got the orders mixed up and sent me some type of dressing gown instead. All I could say was Kim,oh-no!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnekLord666
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store.

The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running website for the store.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

πŸ‘︎ 156
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juicy-tomato
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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My grandfather died because the report said he had Type A blood

Turns out it was a Type-O

πŸ‘︎ 165
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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A priest an imam and a rabbit walk into a blood bank

The rabbit says, "I think I might be a type O."

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnooRobots9182
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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A priest a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank

The rabbit says I think I'm a type-o

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tjeters
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says, β€œI think I might be a type O.”

πŸ‘︎ 149
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PatriotASR
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Would you like to hear a bad joke about blood?

*dad joke

Sorry. It was a Type O

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zachpledger
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandfather died because the report said he had type A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fartingbeans312
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Helvetica and Comic Sans walk into a bar.

β€œGet out of here” the bartender says, β€œWe don’t serve your type!”

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Arthur24
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank...

The rabbit says, β€œI think I might be type o.”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jigglytep
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
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A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank...

The rabbit says β€œI think I’m a Type-O.”

πŸ‡πŸ©ΈπŸ’β€β™€οΈ

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joyfulpunner
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"

πŸ‘︎ 737
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TomCanBe
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.

β€œGet out of here!” shouts the bartender. β€œWe don’t serve your type!”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/debeauty
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report

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