Quick Funny Puns

Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm . . . that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”

The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/returning-lost-purse/

So not the kind you tell the kids, but certainly Dad jokes, and totally true!

I recently had a vasectomy and the guy 'doing the deed' was some genius wordsmith or was just trying to be punny.

The first thing he said in the prep-talk was "you won't feel a thing".

A few mins later it was "don't worry it will all be over quickly"

and finally whilst administering the local anaesthetic "you may feel a small prick".

We, I thought it was funny and he certainly gave me a chuckle.

I'm out to dinner with my family and my grandpa starts sniffling a bit. So he pulls out one of his super old patterned handkerchiefs and says "my nose keeps running". He then quickly grabs his nose, handkerchief in hand and yells "got it!" super loud in the restaurant were at. While he's laughing at his own joke he goes "that's funny right there" and keeps laughing and partially retelling the joke.

I'm proud to be his grandson.

TEN-ticles

I got that from a post in Splatoon's Miiverse, but it flashed quickly by my Wii U Menu (and I didn't immediately click it because I didn't find it funny at first) so I can't credit the poster. If you find him/her, do tell!

Imagine a Maine accent, as a kid on a farm in 1924.

> As kids, they walked up to their mother and ask
"Mom, Is pig's sold?"
Their mother yells at them to correct their grammar.
"PIGS ARE SOLD!"

Commence giggling and running away as their mother realizes what they tricked her into saying.

(The joke is to say the mothers line quickly and drop the "D" like 'ole time Mainers do)
I'll never forget this joke. It's the only one he ever told me.

What was funny in the 1920's is completely different I guess.

I think I "invented" this joke when I was around 15, but I'm sure others have as well since it's not too subtle. The key, though, was that I waited for just the right moment to use it for the first time.

I had an ear infection, so I went to the doctor, who took a look and quickly diagnosed it and wrote a prescription and handed it to me.

> Doctor: It's just an ear infection, so 4 drops of this daily should clear it right up.

> Me: [Reading the prescription, and seeing the name of the antibiotic, but I may be wrong about the name, so if anyone knows the right name, please reply.] [Completely seriously.] Oraline? So, I put the drops in my mouth?

> Doctor: [Quizzically.] No, no, no, you put it in your ear!

> Me: Oh, I read the name, and "Oraline" sounds like something you'd take orally.

> Doctor: Nope, in the ear.

> Me: [Remembering my dad joke.] It's a good thing that you didn't prescribe me analgesics.

The doctor had no reaction, just said their deadpan goodbye and left. I've wondered if they didn't get it, didn't think it was funny, or had heard it hundreds of times before.

This was quite a while ago, I was probably in middle school (currently 26). My family took a quick day trip to Universal Studios Hollywood since we live in the greater LA area. Now to set the scene, my dad is a native of Mexico but has lived here since his late teens so his English is pretty good with a tinge of an accent since Spanish is his primary language. We park in the parking garage on property and we do the usual "make a mental note of where we parked for later". That's when I see a smirk come across his face as he turns to me laughing under his breath.

-"What's so funny?"

-"Notice where we parked?"

-"Yeah. Jurassic Park lot, 3B"

Cue dad

-"Jurassic Park..." half expecting me to laugh. He continues "Jurassic Park... Jurr-Ass-is-Parked"

facepalm

As terrible as it was at the time, I've tried to pull this joke out with friends years later, eye rolls and crickets. Thanks dad.

Wife and I went to chili's for dinner. As you know their door knobs are in the shape of a chili. When I grabbed the knob to open it I let go quickly and acted as if it was hot. Wife jumped and asked what's wrong and I said with a grin "that chili is hot"

She did not find it as funny as I did. Lol

It's not a joke, and for now I'm calling it the "dad switcharoo." My dad would do this all the time. Here's my example:

My younger son does this funny thing with his eyes. I made him do it tonight at the dinner table real quick. Then my older son (WHO EATS NOTHING) said, "Dad I can do the eye trick that $youngerson does." Then I says to him I says, "You need to do the eating trick that $youngerson is doing."

Is there a better name for this? My dad would do things like:

Me (trying to stall before bed): "I'm just reading this real quick."
Dad: "Well read yourself into bed real quick, we have to wake up early tomorrow."

and so forth.

My dad is a all around generally funny guy but for me one of the funniest things he said to me was once while he was cleaning a bunch of fish he had caught. I was watching with wonderment how quickly he was going through the catfish he had caught that day. He was very seriously removing the head and skining them and gutting the fish. He had one particular fish's head on the cutting board seperated from the body and he had the completely gutted body of the fish in one hand and the garden hose in the other. He was running water on the inside cavity of the fish and the tail was twitching back and forth, he noticed my amusement at this and said to me with a sly grin,"they don't like that cold water on their belly." This may be one of those you had to be there moments but I thought it was hilarious at the time.

The other day at work, Best Buy, a lady came in and was talking to a female coworker of mine about laptops. She asked if I could get it for her and they told me it was so she could study for the bar. I quickly return with it and as I hand it over I say, "It's funny that you need it for the bar, the bar usually keeps me from studying!"

Both of them were unamused, but my supervisor approved (he's a dad.)