I bought a second hand Time Machine next Tuesday...
They don't make them like they are going to anymore
I accidentally put my mobile phone in the washing machine...
It still works but now it's ringing wet...
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
I invested in a coin making machine.
I couldn't figure out how the change machine worked...
I've invented a machine that helps people wear cloaks
I call it a cloaking device.
My wife groaned, that's good enough for me.
Why do vampires only play the penny and nickel slot machines?
I grabbed my guitar and started a little jam with my coffee machine.
It asked if I knew any tunes using the descale.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the upholstery machine?
He’s fully recovered now.
(Credit to Colin Mochrie)
What does the doctor have to cut off of a baby exercise machine?
I got a wristwatch from a quarter machine and I'm stoked
It was time for a change.
What do you call a slot machine that spins really slow?
My talking washing machine broke down today and started complaining that it was my fault,
I said, no one talks to me like that, you're out of order
My friend writes songs about sewing machines.
He's a Singer songwriter. Or sew it seams.
The Turings
Everybody knows Alan Turing who cracked the enigma codes.
But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided all his snacks, sandwiches and drinks.
Im building a counterfeit money machine….
I know it sounds crazy now, but I think eventually it will make a lot of cents…
My uncle used to work at a factory that recycled worn out whitewalls. One day, he fell into one of the processing machines...
Mark Zuckerburg failed his Turing Test today.
He doesn't know how to feel about it.
My wife called me a sex machine
Well, her exact words were, “You’re a fucking tool” but I knew what she meant.
What is a machine guns' favorite breakfast meal?
Don't put Coins inside the Washing Machine!
Yet another job lost to machines
I got a new snow cone machine.
It’s really been crushing it.
Why quantum computing is cool
Using one word, how do you get Doc Brown into his time machine?
What did they call the Mexican-Arab slot machine?
For Sale...Broken Quiz Machine.
What do Quantum physicists do for a living?
Work on little things, here and there.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines.
. ....................But catscan.
What do you call a cat in a vending machine
So I'm not fat but I tried the rowing machine
There was a fog machine on sale, but I didn't have enough cash.
It was a mist opportunity.
Accidentally knocked my grandmas ashes into a fog machine....
To get to the time machine.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why was the coach yelling at a vending machine?
He wanted his Quarter back.
What kind of fax machine did the Trump Administration use?
An alternative facts machine.
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation.
It doesn’t make any cents.
What do you type into a time machine if you want to go to Christmas?
Present Day.
I haven't tried it, but pretty sure it'll work.
I asked my personal trainer at the gym, which type of machine I should use to make myself more attractive to women?
He suggested, the cash machine .
My personal trainer was upset at me because I kept using the same machine at the gym
It was the vending machine
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25 You know why?
My wife has begun writing songs about her sewing machine
She wants to be a Singer-songwriter, or sew it seams.
The 20c making machine at The Mint suddenly stop working for no reason.
It just doesn't make any cents
Everybody knows Alan Turing who cracked the enigma codes...
But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided all his snacks, sandwiches and drinks
I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines.
He's a Singer songwriter, or sew it seams.
Dogs can't operate MRI machines,
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working.
It doesn’t make any cents.
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