We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I was exploring the pyramids and suddenly came across a beautiful golden sarcophagus. The guide and I both gasped and farted at the same time, identical farts. It was the first time I ever experienced a toot in common.
Two ton, commonly
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, err yeah, upto a point."
“thank you for your cervix.”
Who buys gummy worms hoping they’d taste as close to real worms as possible?
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
It was a fault of his mummy-in-law
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
It's a complex complex complex.
My sister walks up to me and asks: “Are you creating a pyramid scheme?”
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen.
Because Lisa Kudrow.
A hummingbird.
The man asks "is this good for wasps?"
The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"
Instead, we should call them DIE-Angles.
Perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
I don't know. But it is definitely not herd.
He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
I told him don't even sphinx about it
But I won’t letter!
Mentos
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit-- I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit-- Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
It was pointless.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
It's night.
A fizzician
Mummy's home.
This is the last straw.
Capital of Ireland
It's Dublin everyday
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"
"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.
"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
wooden tit?
True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."
I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"
He responds, "it's dead grass."
I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"
.
.
.
He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.
It was horrific. They did unspeakable things.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
We didn’t have Oleg to stand on.
