I just read that California leads the United States in both depression rates and cases of infidelity
Talk about a sad state of affairs
I am a professional reviewer of historic sites in the United States. I recently visited the site of a famous gunfight at a corral in Arizona...
During testing of a new version of Mars rover, a cat entered the test track and was run over. However, the cat was resuscitated when one staffer played a Benny Benassi hit track. A NASA representative has stated...
...that it was a pity that Curiosity killed the cat, but Satisfaction brought it back.
I wrote a fictional short story about Giovanni Coinci, the first Italian immigrant to open a dentistry private practice in the United States.
Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely Coinci Dental.
Was your waist the 16th president of the United States?
...cause those hips don’t lie
A recent study of rocking chairs indicated that certain parts of the world do far less rocking than the United States while specific countries do...
Mo-roccan.
This joke provided by dads giving babies a bottle in a rocking chair early in the morning.
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
What did the pirate say when asked which cable he used to charge his phone, causing the ice caps to melt and submerge the entire United States.
USB-C
Source: Came up with this myself whilst talking pirate to my 11 year old. (It happens sometimes). Forgive me…
What is the most emotional unit of measurement?
I got locked out of the house today. I tried talking to the lock.
Turns out that communication wasn’t key
Missouri has the most bordering states (8, tied with tennessee) out of any of the 50 United States of America. You know what they say, Missouri loves company.
What did the Commanding General of the United States Army say after having his budget approved?
What company does the state of Indiana use for paternity tests?
My 6 year old French daughter has a knack for painting gorgeous landscapes of the sea that our house overlooks.
I guess you could say that she has got a sense of hue-mer.
If you're ever locked out of your house, start talking to your lock, calmly and clearly.
After all, good communication is the key.
I spent my twenties with an irrational fear that every time I left the house people were going to leap out of the bushes to take an instant photograph of me.
I realise now that I was merely Polaroid.
To tell the truth, solid are the only state of matter I have a firm grasp on.
My understanding of gases is airy. And my opinions on liquids are wishy washy.
Did you know that the ground at the coast often cannot support the weight of normal houses?
That's why they build lighthouses there.
The gas station by my house recently doubled the price of their air pumps.
I guess that's inflation for you.
News broke today that due to salmonella concerns, there is a national recall on just about every type of onion in the united states...
To be honest, I'm not shedding any tears over it.
What was the 16th president of the United States told before the dinner party?
Me to my son who is learning his US state capitals: What is the capital of Alaska?
Son: Umm….I forgot.
Me: Why don’t Juneau?
Wife: Rolls eyes and leaves the table.
In a surprising announcement the government has stated with all the issues recently instead of going forward in time we will go back 2 years...
We need to add three more states to the United States of America
53 states would make it a prime number; One nation, indivisible.
Bakers of the world unite!
You have nothing to lose but your grains.
Took the kids sledding at a hill in town and afterwards, while getting into our vehicle to go home, I happened to notice a nice Christmas display in the front yard of a house across the street.
Focusing on the nicely lit up deer decorations on their lawn, I asked my kids, “How much do you think those deer weigh?”
From the back seat: “I don’t know” and “Who cares?” and “What are you talking about?”
Me: “I’m just saying, they look pretty light.”
TIL The 1st United States Volunteer Cavalry, one of three such regiments raised in 1898 for the Spanish–American War, had dogs to go with them...
The were The Ruff Riders.
My friend tried to ride his horse from Maine to the Southwestern United States for a type of bean but was hit by an older Ford...
I hear the United States is well stocked for a bird-of-prey flu epidemic...
There are plenty of ill eagle drugs for just such emergency.
My office space is a cubicle, president of the United States has an oval.
Someone has been cutting corners.
ninety percent of dads kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house.
Ten percent of dads kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.
Wife mad. Construction of new house has stalled - builder has just walked off the job. Early on, we had a series of increasingly heated discussions about costs, but I thought we'd settled the money question. But now it seems the final straw is a disagreement we have over the price of the chimney...
I am insisting that the chimney has to be on the house... but that builder, what he wants is just through the roof!
My friend Monte is a hoarder of vegetable shortening, and his house is packed completely full. Now he wants my assistance completing a full inventory…
It’ll be the Count of Monte’s Crisco.
Have you heard of the U.S. state where computers have become sentient?
Due to the state of the pandemic I decided to move to my house boat for a while
Last week, a freshman secret service officer stopped an assassination attempt on the president of the United States by screaming “Mickey Mouse”!
When his superior congratulated him for the arrest, he asked “Why did you scream Mickey Mouse?” And the secret serviceman said “I was trying to say Donald Duck!”
Breaking News: Authorities uncover fraudulent claims from the makers of dandruff shampoo stating "This just scratches the surface!"
What did Lassie say when Timmy got stuck on top of the house?
Which branch of military is the most patriotic in the United States?
The Air Force, because they're US AF.
How much does the entire United States cost?
Nothing, because it's a free country
If the United States annexed all of Canada and multiplied it’s area by two, what would you get?
I wonder if blind people exist in United States.
Because their anthem starts with "Oh say can you see".
What was the 16th president of the United States told before a dinner party?
If you should ever get locked out of your house, try talking calmly to the door. After all, communication is key 🔑
Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?
The Air Force; they're US AF
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