Pop Is Dead Puns

Old family jokes, which means I’m sure variations are out there for both of them that most of you have heard

#1- an elderly woman is watching her normal sitcoms when suddenly the news cuts into her show to show live footage of a madman driving the wrong way on the interstate! Worried sick, she calls her husband, and says “honey, there’s a madman driving the wrong way on the highway! Be careful on your way home!” Her husband responds irritated, “what are you talking about? There’s not only one madman! There are hundreds of them!”

#2- a cop pulls over a man who was speeding. He approaches the car and asks for license and registration. The driver says, “I’m sorry officer, I can’t do that! You see, this car is stolen so the registration isn’t under my name! Also, the gun I used to steal the car is in there and I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable!”

The cop is obviously a bit flustered, and asks for the man to roll down his back windows to look in the backseat. The man replies, “honestly officer that’s impossible, as I have 10 kilos of cocaine in the footwells and don’t want to expose them to outside!”

At this point the cop is quite worried and has his gun drawn, asking the driver to open the trunk! The driver replies “officer, I’m afraid I can’t do that due to the two bodies I have in my trunk!”

At this, the officer runs back to his car and radios for backup.

After about 10 minutes, the police sergeant drives up and with his gun drawn asks the man for his license and registration. The driver says, “absolutely sergeant, no problem” and hands him a perfectly normal and legal registration and license.

The sergeant then says, “and I hear you have drugs in the back seat!”

“Oh not at all, sergeant!” Says the man, opening the back window. The car is very clean and the footwells empty.

Confused, the sergeant then asks: “what about your trunk? I hear you have two dead bodies in there?”

“Not at all officer”, says the man, “only my groceries!” Popping the trunk, it’s obvious there’s nothing wrong with the driver or the vehicle.

“I don’t understand; my officer told me you told him all of these things. What’s going on?!”

The driver responds “I bet he told you I was speeding, too, didn’t he?”

Unfortunately, the car pops into existence directly in the path of the Doc Brown living in 1955, running him over. Now you have two Doc Browns in 1955. One from the future and very much alive and a younger version from 1955 that is now dead. How can the Doc from the future even be there as he has just wiped out his own existence? These two Docs are a connundrum to space and time.

In the end though it's actually an example of a famous time travel pair of docs.

They snuck from their beds in the middle of the night and met in the gloomy darkness in front of the house, shivering in the cold.

The first boy said in a loud whisper, "You guys bring anything?" He slid a gun out of his pocket. The second boy nodded and revealed a knife. The third boy pulled out a flashlight.

"You didn't bring a weapon?" the first boy asked. He shrugged and replied, "Sorry". And as if to prove it, he turned his pockets out to show nothing but stray lint and a pack of cough drops.

They crept in. The door shut behind them. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. The flash light clicked on. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door on the other side, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a dead body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They found a fully set, ornate dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal goblets, pitchers and silverware adorned the table. Spiders crept over ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hel

I used to work at a record store in my younger years (read: my 20's). Im working with my friend Tony and the store is dead. A guy walks in and approaches the counter where we are both standing. After the usual greeting, the guy asks "Where do y'all keep the Little Feat". Without missing a beat, I say "in little shoes." I break out laughing, while Tony says "it's right over here in pop. I'll show you". I continued to laugh for about 20 minutes.

Also, no one ever finds this funny. It still makes me chuckle.

My Dad sent me this list of punny sayings last Christmas. It explains a lot...

Punny sayings!

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen.

Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken