My wife said she didn't play "Sam & Max" or "Walking Dead"

But I could see the Telltale signs

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DangerASA
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
They say when confronted by a bear, the best thing to do is play dead, so when I came face to face with one in the woods the other day, I accidentally played dad instead...

Now it can ride a bike without training wheels...

πŸ‘︎ 675
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dogfish playing dead?

A good buoy

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/electrolytebitch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12
🚨︎ report
I played dad instead of dead when I saw a bear...

Now he can ride a bike with no training wheels

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kittyloverblazeit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I call my horse Mayo

And sometimes Mayo Neighs.

(My dad plays RedDead Redemption and he legitimately caught a horse just to make this joke)

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15
🚨︎ report
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me.

He can now ride a bike without training wheels.

πŸ‘︎ 90
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
A group of possum played dead in my yard last night

They did a great version of β€˜Truckin’

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SallyMaeBigly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Accidently played dad instead of playing dead in an encounter with a bear

It can now ride a bike without training wheels

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eliedacc
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2018
🚨︎ report
900 IQ is required.
πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aswed1234
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Iron Bowl humor

Q: Did you hear that U of Alabama's library burned? A: It's true! They lost all 3 of their coloring books!

Q: What do you call a beautiful girl on campus at U of A? A: A visitor!

Q: What do a maggot and a U of A fan have in common? A: They can both live off a dead bear for twenty years.

Q: How many Alabama fans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: 80,001. 1 to change the bulb, 80,000 to talk about how great the old lightbulb was.

Q: How do you make Alabama cookies? A: Put em in a bowl and whip em for 60 minutes.

Q: Did you hear Saban was going to dress up 20 players for the Iron Bowl? A: The rest will have to dress themselves.

Q: Alabama is changing their mascot to the Opossums. A: They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: What do Alabama players get on their SATs? A: Drool.

War Eagle!!!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joblessidiot420
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
A horse is sitting at home watching MTV

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GreatDekuTree3
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Beethoven's grave has been eerily playing music the last few days.

The cemetery keeper has told people not to worry, he's just decomposing.

EDIT down-voting because you can't Handel this level of humor is a crime against humanity.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Blu186
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2015
🚨︎ report
There was a suspicious β€˜accident’ at a construction site. The police investigated all the workers at the job site . . .

It looked like foul play. The mason wasn’t a suspect. He had a concrete alibi. The night of the accident he said he was with his girlfriend. She confirmed this. There was a wall of evidence. Consequently his alibi was rock solid and not just a facade. There was damning evidence that it was the plumber. They figured his alibi, that he was at the casino, wouldn’t hold water. But cameras showed fluid betting all night. This, obviously, threw a wrench in the investigation. The investigators followed a lead to the electrician. He had a shocking secret. It seems the electrician had been charged with battery only months earlier. But it was a dead end. They looked at the HVAC installer, but his alibi was airtight. Next, they tried to nail the Roofer, as he had been spouting off about the victim the day of the accident. But the roofer had been hammered all day. There was no way they could paint him as the cunning mastermind.

Then they saw the writing on the wall: the painter had bo

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 142
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dirty_Entendre
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Nihilist Dad Jokes

Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.

I tell my kids, you’re allowed to watch the TV all you want… Just don’t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.

How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.

Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.

I don’t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.

You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.

Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that society’s dep

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vorschlaghammer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Great list of excellent puns

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crΓͺpes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop

any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd

never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians in America first? They

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 212
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/benschweiz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2016
🚨︎ report
If you ever find yourself chased by a pack of Taxidermists

Don't play dead.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IrishViking_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
A short collection of fresh puns.

Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.

A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.

A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.

Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.

Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...

What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)

People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.

His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situ

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
🚨︎ report
My soon-to-be 6year old got me Good

So every night for the past almost 6 years I sing her the Sunshine Song

You know, "you are my Sunshine, my only sunshine."

And after a few years I got tired of it and would start songs from the nightmare before Christmas (because I'm a big elfman nerd) and Part of your world (because I'm completely obsessed with singing out of key chick verses and the little mermaid is dope af) but she would SCREAM anytime I started anything that wasn't the Sunshine song, I love this, so I go on for a couple bars while she's screaming then calm her down and sing the right song. To be fair, she likes the I'm On The Outside by boingo, so I belt that too. Although it's only acceptable in the car.

Now here I want to add that in the description of the event I will place a * where she interrupts me and the words immediately after that * will be her words.

Ok, so she's in bed just now and I said What song do you want me to sing?

Obvs sunshine dude.

So I start with the "look at this stuff, isn't it neat?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/juksayer
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
🚨︎ report
x-post from /r/talesfromretail. Customer was classic /r/dadjoke material.

I apologize for this wall of text, I didn't know where I should cut out parts because they're all relevant to the story. Sorry again.

Hey TFR people! So for background, I work at a kiosk in a mall where I repair cracked phones and do other mind numbing work that I can now probably do in my sleep. I've been doing this job for a little over two years and can fix an iPhone, for example, in about 15 minutes. I apologize for the wall of text. Anyway, this story happened last night.

So, a family of three walk up (mother, father and daughter) but only the father spoke to me and this is where conversation starts. Note: When I was handed this girls phone she had a case with this image on it and was already about to laugh. Customer will be C and I of course will be Me.

C: How much does it cost to fix my daughters phone and can it be fixed?

Me: Oh it's very repairable, after tax and labor, it comes to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 114
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CountBlah_Blah
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
🚨︎ report
There is a bear in my garage...

Oh shit it's coming right at me

Update: I accidentally played dad instead of playing dead and now it can ride a bike

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/womencaviar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2017
🚨︎ report
from the ask reddit thread on lame jokes.
  • I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
  • When chemists die, they barium.
  • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
  • A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  • I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
  • How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
  • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
  • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
  • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
  • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
  • They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
  • This dyslexic man walks into a bra.
  • I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
  • A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.
  • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  • What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
  • I wondered why the ball was getting bigger.
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cffff
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2013
🚨︎ report
The day my dad's dog died.

I was sitting in my room playing with my dog, his name is Buster. My dog was being hyper while getting used to his new home.

My dad walks in and starts telling me about when he was my age and got a new dog.

( Insert sad music from the world's smallest violin here )

Dad: "When I was your age, my dad got me a pooch. His name was Rocket. I got him when he was around 4 years old, so he was pretty big. One day, I was working on my dad's truck and had a bucket of old gas sitting next to me. Rocket was outside playing around, being himself and came up to me. I slid back under the truck and heard some gulping sounds. I look over and see Rocket drinking big gulps of the gasoline. I screamed at him," Rocket No! You don't drink that!" Then he backed up, stumbling. I felt my heart sink to my stomach, I knew something was wrong with him. He took off running around the house. He ran around the house 2-3 times. Then he just fell over.."

Me: "Dead!?"

Dad: "Nah, he just ran out of gas."

Fuc

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 73
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kurtcobain94
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2015
🚨︎ report
Got my friends this past weekend

A couple we're friendly with have a really cute 3-year-old girl who loves to play with the small animals in the backyard (mostly toads). Recently the girl found a bird a little later than their pet cat did, and didn't realize the bird was dead. Her mom, being a bit strange and not wanting to explain death to her daughter quite yet, puts on a pair of yard gloves and -- when the daughter wasn't looking -- sticks the dead bird up in a tree. Tells her daughter, "look, he's napping in the tree."

At this point in the story I chime in, "Weekend at Birdie's!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_delete
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2016
🚨︎ report
Paul Ryan Puns

Paul Ryan is running for president. But after this, he'll be Paul Cryan.

His favorite color is Paul Cyan

He is Paul Tryan to become president

This post will make him Paul Diean

He read history about the Paul Mayan

On a plane, he is Paul Flyan

In Russia, he is Paul Spyan

He goes to the Maul Ryan

To go Paul Buyan

His favorite spice is Paul Cayenne

When he stares, heis Paul Eyean

For breakfast, he is Paul Fryan

On stilts, he is Paul Giant

When in trouble, he starts Paul Liean

When he watches memes, he is Lol Ryan.

His favorite is Paul Nyan

For dessert, he has Paul Piean

At this point, Im Paul Sighan

When he has rope, he is Paul Tiean

When curious, he is Paul Whyan

Or Paul Pryan

His new game is Ball Ryan

On the phone, he is Call Ryan

His daughter plays with Doll Ryan

When he trips, he is Fall Ryan

His house is the Ryan Hall

Again on stilts, he is Tall Ryan

His house has a Wall Ryan

Down south, you are Yall Ryan

When he makes bread, it is Paul Rysan

On a horse,

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Davidhasahead
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Pun overload!

My Dad sent me this list of punny sayings last Christmas. It explains a lot...

Punny sayings!

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't l

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gibbens15
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2013
🚨︎ report
These were in an email forwarded to me from family. Bless their heart.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she coul

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Floofing_Warlock
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2015
🚨︎ report
Western dad joke.

So I was playing Red Dead Redemption, and my dad walked in right as I accidentally corralled a cow off a cliff. He said.

"you know what they call a cow that falls off a cliff?"

"ground beef"

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bearbynight
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2014
🚨︎ report
My 13 year old brother dropped this one the other day

So my little bro (13), my best friend (23), and I (23) all play the video game Monster Hunter together. My brother is working on a new set of armor in it and said this to me: "I think I'm going to make the helm for this armor set last and have it be like the crowning achievement". So me (being a new dad) look him dead in the eyes and just burst out laughing at how amazing that was. He didn't even realize he had made a stellar dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JB_Scoopz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2013
🚨︎ report
I accidentally played dad instead of dead when encountering a bear

Now it can ride a bike without training wheels

πŸ‘︎ 101
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pepenaman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27
🚨︎ report
β€œAccidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels”
πŸ‘︎ 238
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/leon1891
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me

He can now ride a bike without training wheels

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Need_karma_plz123
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear yesterday

Now he can ride a bike without training wheels.

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shipless_Captain
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2017
🚨︎ report
I played dad instead of dead when I saw a bear

Now he can ride a bike with no training wheels

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aye_lil_mama
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2018
🚨︎ report
Punographic dad jokes

In true Dad joke fashion, my father emailed me this list of puns

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
Β· When chemists die, they barium. Β· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
Β· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
Β· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
Β· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Β· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
Β· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
Β· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
Β· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .
Β· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
Β· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Β· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Β· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
Β· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Β· What does a clock do w

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zjp_716
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.