Plane Pilot Puns

But you have to prove your jokes can land.

He'll take off and Netherland.

Knot gonna lie I think he was mach-ing me.

It didn't land.

What the flock.

I'm your biggest fan!

He's flying by the seat of his pants.

I must have left my phone on Airplane mode.

He’ll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Russian Air Force

He’s a pilot.

Now he flies commercial.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle?” I laughed in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

… We’re in a plane over the mountains when the pilot came over the intercom and said. “Ladies and gentlemen. I have some bad news. We are having a major mechanical issue. The plane is going down and there’s nowhere to land before it crashes. And more bad news. We only have three parachutes. Since I’m the pilot I feel I should go down with the plane” The President jumps up and says. “I’m the President. I must survive”. So he grabs a parachute and jumps out. The lady jumps up saying. “I’m the worlds smartest woman, I must survive”. She grabs a bag and jumps.
The Rabbi tells the scout. “ Son, I’ve had a long and satisfying life. I give you the last parachute so you can do some good in this world”. The Scout says “ Rabbi. Don’t worry about it, The nice Blonde lady jumped out with my backpack”.

...so far they've only filmed the pilot.

A pilot ejected himself from a plane. He was suspended for a week.

See a story about a pilot didn't remember his correct destination. Look at my 19 year old son and say "He just plane forgot!"
His eyes rolled like that boulder in Indiana Jones

The first time my daughter was on a plane, she looked out and saw the ground crew, and asked what they did. I proudly said that they are the "monbacks". When the plane pushes back from the gate they holler to the pilot "MON BACK....MON BACK".

I came scross a guy selling a plane for cheap. The catch is that it had a bad engine. Well I'm no pilot, yet I am a decent cook. So I gutted the inside and converted into a diner. Im really excited, yet I fear it will never take off.

I told a pilot to try my cooking

He said it was plane

• What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.

• If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.

• Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

• Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.

• I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

• Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.

• I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.

• How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *

• Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

• I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?

• Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

• I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

• Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.

• Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?

• Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

• When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.

• I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.

• Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

• Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

• I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.

• Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

• Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.

• Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.

• Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"

• I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.

• Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.

• So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

• When you get an infection, urine trouble.

• "Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."

• How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."

• Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.

• Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *

• What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *

*My absolut

My kids and i had some fun with these on a car trip this past weekend...

What do zombie plumbers crave? Draaaaains!!!

What do zombie pilots crave? Planes... Plaaaanes!

What do zombie conductors crave? Traaaains!

What do zombie opthalmologists crave? Fraaames!

What do zombie construction workers crave? Craaanes!

What do zombie nurses crave? Paaains!

...

What do vampires crave? Blood.

My dad told me this, never registered in my brain that it was a dad joke until just now. He worked in Memphis, TN but we lived north of Little Rock, AR, so he would hop a 30 minute flight on weekends on a super small commercial jet to come home.

One time there were literally no other passengers on the flight (12-20 passenger plane IIRC). The flight attendant told him "you're our only passenger, pick whatever seat you'd like"

He looked to his left and said "He's in my seat" and pointed to the pilot.

Professor: alright, so to review, who can tell me what allows a plane to turn to the left or right?

Kid: the pilot!

My sister had a good one today at dinner.

We were all commenting about how my dad seems to be friends with a lot of plane pilots. My sister chimes in with "It's always good having friends in high places".

I'm driving with my dad and I notice a plane that took off and keep flying really low. Me: "I wonder why he is flying so low" Dad: "Don't those things usually have two pilots?