My son wanted to become a plumber

However his plans were nothing more than a pipe dream.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Will7838
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
When the moon hits your eye, Like a big pizza pie, That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand, And that's not what you planned, That's a moray.

When our habits are strange, And our customs deranged, That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!

In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.

A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.

When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?

πŸ‘︎ 683
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ComeAbout
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
"Okay, I did learn one interesting thing," Gabe admitted.

He was finally doing the reading for his history class. "Did you know that Bin Laden was planning to blow up monuments in other American cities?"

"I bet St. Louis was next on his list," I nodded.

"How'd you know that, Dad?" he asked in surprise.

"Well, he was our arch-enemy."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cja1968
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
[need for help] Pun experts, share the best pun you know about academia/professors/education/writing for grants. Any help deeply appreciated!

EDIT: We plan to place it on the mug as a gift, so it should be relatively short

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sedulas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?

It had grater plans.

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/frijolita_bonita
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party

They planet (plan it)

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/diejshehakdbakalq
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a new shirt today that has the word LIFE printed across the chest

Tomorrow, I’m going to wear it and stand on the corner at an intersection where panhandlers usually are. My plan is to hand out lemons to stopped drivers. When life gives you lemons ...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/forko23
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
The Letdown

A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because they’ve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his β€œpromposal” special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!

Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that she’s always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.

The night of the prom, he’s extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesn’t return his feelings? What if she thinks he’s a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.

They get to the prom and he’s even more anxious. It’s dark, it’s loud, it’s crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks it’s finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying she’s always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if she’d like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?

He feels like he’s walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesn’t have to wait too long at the refreshments table.

He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?

There was no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrsBunnyPants26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Professor dint have this planned

Me: I am planning to start a cider business She: any alternative plans if it doesn't work out? Me: I haven't decidered yet!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
First day as a superhero

Villain: why is my calendar wrapped in aluminum?

Me: I foiled your plans.

[I am immediately killed]

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/neospygil
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I made a discovery in my attic that my evil house is plotting against me...

I discovered the floor plans!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
There are plans to turn Kodak into a pharmaceutical company

But the plans are underdeveloped

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend from high school became an engineer or something.

He would design vehicles and stuff like no other.

One day he called me and said he had a very special design planned for his next vehicle.

So I asked him: "What's the big design you're working on?"

He said: "Its a secret. You'll find out later."

A few months later, he sends me a picture of this amazing motorbike that's entirely made of wood and nothing else. I called him back and told him I really liked it and if I could ride it.

He replied in a deep and depressing voice: "You can't I'm sorry. I threw it away."

I asked him why he threw away such a masterpiece he worked so hard to make.

He replied: "I tried everything..... But it just wooden start!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?

You could say it was a well thawed out plan.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/livelylou4
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Nascar pit crews have one very solid benefit

A good retirement plan.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to rob a bank but the vault was covered in a thin layer of aluminum

Needless to say, my plans were foiled

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ElizaWolf8
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Long story about a tragedy that once happened to me.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mickerallen100
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Anyone want to help me make a TV show about Abraham Lincoln?

The plan is to shoot it in front of a live audience.

πŸ‘︎ 613
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Another why the chicken crossed the road

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Friend: Why?

Me: To visit the town idiot.

A few minutes later...

Me: Knock, Knock.

Friend: Who’s there?

Me: The Chicken

You moan now but I suspect you are already planning to use this one.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mgmcotton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What are your plans for today?

Friend: What are your plans for today?

Me: I am going with my brother to the optician to get new glasses

Friend: then what?

Me: And then we'll see

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VoKai
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I always wanted to design and build my own dream home..

But I've no concrete plans yet.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, β€œHoney, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?”

He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, β€œTomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.”

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. β€œWell, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.”

β€œNo, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

β€œWell, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. β€œHer name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.”

β€œBatteries?” cried the wife.

β€œYes,” he replied. β€œShe sells C cells by the Seashore.”

πŸ‘︎ 96
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.

I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.

πŸ‘︎ 150
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fruitutu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought some heavy wool socks the other day.

I was planning on returning them, but then I got cold feet.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PMmeyoursafeword
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My New Year's resolution is to save enough money to buy a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
You folks heard the one about Canada, eh?

They plan on buying Minnesota and calling it Canada B.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mavii_Nero_Mira
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to cook some steak tonight, but I couldn’t because they were still frozen.

Guess you could say my dinner plans weren’t well thawed out.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlissedIgnorance
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you organise a party in space?

You plan-et

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DeletedForSpamm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I stopped by the deli to have my typical ham on white or wheat but they were out of both!

My plan for lunch went a-rye.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I just dad joked my dad, and I'm proud of it.

I went to the grocery store, and the change was $5.02, so on my ride home, I perfected the ultimate plan for a dad who loves dad jokes...

Me: Oh, here's the change *hands 5.00 bill*

Dad: You can set the groceries on the counter

Me: Oh by the way, do you want my two cents on the groceries?

Dad: *confused look* o...kay?

Me: *hands receipt and two pennies*

It took a minute for him to realize but everyone got a good laugh out of it.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/adventuresofzarek
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a β€œW.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for β€œwater closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the β€œW.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a β€œW.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled β€œWayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has aΒ maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest youΒ plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. Β I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to work at the calendar factory

... but was fired for taking a couple of days off!

Not unknown, but a fave. I also wanted to say I became a certified dad today! I plan on utilizing this sub to torture my new child.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EridonMan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
🚨︎ report
So a teenage boy asks a girl out to prom

He asks her out, and he needs to plan, so first, he needs his tuxedo.

So he goes to the tuxedo shop, and there's a huge line of people there, so he waits for 30 minutes, then an hour, and he finally gets his tuxedo.

Then, he needs to rent a limo, to look nice and formal and everything, so he walks into the limo rental shop, and again, there's a huge line, so he waits for 30 minutes and then an hour goes by, then 2, and he finally gets his limo.

On the night of the prom, he pulls up to her house with the limo, and she gets in, and on their way to the prom building, a huge traffic jam happens! So they wait, and then 30 minutes goes by, then an hour, and they finally arrive at the building!

So they walk in, take some pictures, and dance for a bit, and after a while, the girl asks, "hey can you get us some punch?"

So the boy walks over to the punch bowl and guess what?

There's no punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/infinityglitches
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I don't know if it's coincidence, but both my kids absolutely love surprise eggs. They're obsessed with them!

And neither of them were planned!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
An Arabian camel wanted to race in the Kentucky Derby but couldn't because in addition to being a camel, he had a hump.

So he came up with a plan: he would have his hump removed surgically and run as a horse in the Derby. He went online and finally found a plastic surgeon who would do the operation. And lo and behold, the first time he entered the Derby he won by 20 lengths!
Back in the desert, every time a camel friend would come over, he would boast pompously about his win, talking about nothing else. Pretty soon, his friends stopped coming over. So he has to go to the camel bar to see them. Upon entering the bar, one of his tired friends says to another, "oh no! Here comes Hump free braggart."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Here are 10 things I dislike in no particular ordee
  1. When my plans are abruptly cut short.
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justanothernewbie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Request for pun help.

Hi everyone.

I don't know if this is allowed but I'm running out of ideas. I'm trying to make puns dealing with candies relating to the words "Leadership", "Service", and either "Fellowship" or "friendship". I figured this is the place of experts and hoped you could provide me with a solution. I'm planning on using this for big little reveal in my fraternity.

Thanks again ahead of time!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/darkecojaj
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
All year, I've been telling my friends I just want to meet someone, fall in love be married by my next birthday...

which was my 40th birthday. The BIG Four Oh! As in "Oh, you're 40 and not married? What's wrong with you?"

And my friends, as awesome as they are, kept setting me up on blind dates, but I never seemed to click with any of the women. Pretty women, short women, tall women, rough women, successful women, lazy women - I dated them all and more often than not, they just weren't interested in me.

I think I probably went on twenty or so dates that never resulted in a a single follow up date.

But two months before my birthday, I started dating two women and both fledgling relationships seemed like they were going somewhere as they were getting really, really serious. I couldn't choose one, but I didn't care. I just couldn't believe they were into me. Okay, maybe they weren't the best looking, but I was so desperate for a wife, and I'm definitely no prize myself.

With a few weeks to go before my birthday, I knew I had to act if I had any hope of being married. I bought two rings and proposed to them both (on separate nights, of course) and they both said no. In fact, though they never knew of each other, I went from two good things to both of them not returning my calls. I guess proposing in a mall food court (for Jenny) or down on my knees in front of the bathroom at a minor league baseball game (Susan) were not my best laid plans, doomed to fail. Or maybe I just reeked of desperation.

So the morning of my birthday, I was practically in tears, deep in depression as I knew I missed my deadline. But my friends came though, kind of. They took me out bar hopping and then we all went back to my place where they had a stripper waiting in my favorite chair. She got up, sat me down, and gave me a grinding lap dance. She said nothing, but after a minute, stopped, turned around, looked me in the eye and said "one." Then she started up again, stopped after a minute, turned around and said "two..."

This went on all night until she got to "forty."

It's been a few months now, and I'm not too sad. My friends really tried to get me married, and after two near mrs, I guess it was the thot that counts.

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I need a pun

Idk if this fits this sub, but I'm planning a Halloween costume and just need a punny name for it.

I'm going to wear timberland boots, camo cargo pants, an olive/brown/green/earth t-shirt, aviator sunglasses, and get a beer bandolier.

I need a solider/army/military + beer/alcohol/drinking pun to name the costume. Any suggestions?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lcg32195
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Mount Rushmore was supposed to have 5 presidents instead of 4 because...

The artist forgot to plan ahead.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scarecrow53
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Dirty NASA experiment unearthed

NASA decided to send a vegetable to space. After the rough takeoff the spud soiled himself.

Operation Spud-Nik turned violent when the astronauts, due to unforeseen circumstances, ran out of food. It wasn't long before the five guys came up with a plan. They unearthed him and gouged his eyes out. As unappealing as it sounded, spud was sliced up, fried and eaten. Noone seemed to mind a little assault. Sometimes spaceflight is unpredictable and dirty sacrifices must be made.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BeeSpaceApiaries
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Why is Dad in such a hurry to buy the glue right before the road trip?

Because it's important that everyone sticks to the plan.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rawSingularity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to sculpt a human out of clay. I got the lower body and torso but ran out at the shoulders.

I didn't plan ahead

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coluber_kid
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call male oysters?

Boysters. What do you call bodybuilding oysters?

Hoisters. What do you call oyster pirates?

Ahoysters. What do you call oyster nuns?

Cloisters. What do you call oysters that live under water?

Moisters. What do you call shy oysters?

Coysters. What do you call working class oysters?

Employsters. What do you call oysters with an evil plan?

Ploysters. What do you call singing oysters?

Voiceters.

I should stop before this gets worseter.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OiTheRolk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad: I can’t believe you got me a house for my birthday!

Son: I hope you enjoy it. What are your plans?

Dad: I’m just going to..... live in the present.

πŸ‘︎ 98
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I bought some heavy wool socks the other day.

I was planning on returning them today, but then I got cold feet.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PMmeyoursafeword
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My New year's resolution is to save enough money to buy myself a Velcro wall.

I'm planning on sticking to it.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thegasketmaker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.