But I just don’t have the balls
They were taking Pho toes
I'd rather her take pictures of her own Accord
She must not be heeling it today.
he just got the most expensive one he could afford for $99.99. he asked to use the cow vendors phone to call his dad. the vendor replied "sure, for $5". the kid worked out a deal to send one text with one word for one cent. he sent his dad: "comfortable"
I want to see the fresh prints of Bellaire.
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/59/c2/13/59c213bf49ac94b6a0624c858f7318f5.jpg
Mom: Can you come out?
Kid: Yeah, gimme a minute.
Kid: Mom, I'm gay.
Mom: I know that silly, come out to the car.
Kid: Car, I'm gay.
My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(
https://m.imgur.com/a/QTmxp
When someone posts their Halloween costume on Facebook. Like for example, woman posts pic of herself dressed as a witch. Dad comment: "Well that's great but why didn't you wear a costume?" hyuk hyuk hyuk
I texted the picture making fun of Rihanna's Birthday cake lyrics from /r/funny and he responded:
"Cake can be deep, depending on how many layers."
Ancient Scot Richard's Warriors: Dick's Picts
Loki - Trick pics (from my brother)
Pictures of an Adam Sandler movie: "Click" pics.
Pictures of a Kaitlin Olson character: The Mick's pics
Screenahots of these comments: Wit pics
Leaky faucet: drip pics
X1 Cumberbatch photos: Benedict pics
X2 Pope photos: Benedict pics (also works)
X3 Turncoat snaps: Benedict pics
X4 "Wong" image: Benedict pics
Legal command: Writ pics
Pictures of twigs: Stick pics
A Christmas Story scene: lick pics
Pictures of a Winter Saint: Nick pics
Syringe photos: prick pics (from a friend)
Sporting goods store images: Dick's pics.
Dan Harmon cartoon character: Rick's pics.
Recently, we had a hostile power takeover. A new mod got power hungry and went on a nice little editing spree.
Pics of carnage: Here
He/she has been banned from the subreddit, and submissions are back to normal.
I somehow ended up as the lackey here, and I've never been a subreddit mod before, so bear with me. I've put things back to their defaults, so submissions can resume normally.
##Tl;dr guy goes on power trip, he's gone, things back to normal, I have no clue what I'm doing.
Speaker: “I'm glad you could all make it”
Whole crowd: in unison “Hi glad you could all make it, We're dad”
Speaker: Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it"
entire conference loses their shit
I was so proud of my home improvement projects that I got caught sending them unsolicited deck pics.
So I put on hulk cosplay and I send a pic of myself to pops
Dad? Guess whose this?? <<
>> A virgin.
Fml
Tooth pics!
Stollen from a friend. Quick search on this sub yeilded no results. Hopefully it makes some of you chuckle!
He said "Good, then your software will be bug free."
Bonus pic of said web. I'm open to advice on how to deal with it.
We were taking pictures of the amazing views from the south rim of the canyon and my family wanted a picture with everyone in it. We all line up and my dad taps an older gentleman on the shoulder to take our picture:
My dad: "Hey, can you take our picture?"
Random dad: With a disgusted face he says, "No, I don't want a picture of you people." And walks off.
He took about 5 steps before turning around, laughing to himself, and snapped a great pic of my family. My dad later remarked, "that was a good one."
To make sure he'd never run out of pics.
I just entered Optometry School and my class is making shirts for our class. We want to put one or more puns or jokes related to the eye. Please Help! Will deliver pics of final shirts.
So, I don't have a cell phone, I'm a luddite, so I had him take a picture of my tattoo because /u/AlbinoAlex asked for a pic, told the hubby to email it to me. It didn't arrive quickly, so I told him to send it again. I received the email about 4 minutes later and he asked me, "What was the email titled?" I said, "Tat" he then said, "That was the first email then, as the second one I titled "Tat2" ".
SOOO much laughter from both ends. What a Dad joke!!!
I figured who better to ask about a silly pun than the good folks over here at /r/dadjokes? I'm going to be in a spelling bee and I need a good name that matches up with a good costume theme. To give examples these are my two previous iterations:
"Punktuation" - Dressed as punk rockers
"Bee Me Up, Scotty!" - Dressed as Star Trek officers
If anyone has a good idea let me know and I will post pics from the event on October 24th. If you don't care to help then...umm...continue being dads.
EDIT FOR CLARITY: People are making some great suggestions for names, but I should have clarified that this is for a team of 3 people. So proper names are not really going to work...stick to the format I have described in this post!
We are at his martial arts competition and saw a sign on the bathroom before we walked in: Please Do Not Walk Bearfoot in the Bathroom
Without missing a beat, I looked at him and said, "I guess it's a good thing we have people feet." There was a substantial groan.
Pic of the sign in the comments. Edit: never mind, it won't let me post the picture.
Why didn’t the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog’s finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
If you can’t get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you’re bacon my heart melt.
What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.
First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trump’s cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.
Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.
If Kevin Bacon doesn’t whisper “Here comes the Baconator” before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost
I’ll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge that’s not bacon
If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?
This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.
If we don’t build a wall on our northern border, they’ll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.
I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.
My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaver…because I’m Canadian.
When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know you’re getting extr
... keep reading on reddit ➡So my dad loves to tell jokes, not one has ever been funny. So one day my GF was over and he decided to share a joke with her. He does. I look at him and I'm like "cmon Dad, that's horrible! U can do better" and laughed kinda like I was pitying him. He goes u think ur so cool huh?" He then got up grabbed me and locked me between his legs. So u all can understand, I'm 16 5"8 and thin. So not many people can't beat me. My dad is 6"3 and jacked. He looks likes mark wahlberg, from pain and gain, and that's not an overstatement. He then goes "what should we do now? How about an old fashioned wedgie!" He grabbed my underwear and pulled as hard as he could. "Why do u want to date a nerd that where's briefs? Haha" he's going. She starts laughing a little. He then goes "let's give u (GF) a better view" he then turns me around and lifts me up with a wedgie, "look at this dork dangle by his undies! Take a picture!" She did then pulled hard again and my underwear tore. He looked at me and went "maybe u shouldn't act like ur top dog kid, it'll get ur undies ripped right off." And she shared the pic around school, and know people come up to me saying "dude ur dad Is like a jock who gives u wedgies!" And makes fun of me for it. A couple of the seniors football player pinned me down and wedgied me so bad in the halls my underwear ripped off. And everyone was laughing. At least it happened at the end of the year so I only had 2 week of teasing. People have forgotten about. IT WAS horrible. And humiliating. So now I laugh at his jokes no matter how cringey they are, cause I fear his wedgies. Because their not regular. There delivered by a man who's biceps are bigger than my head. It's very painful. SO THE LESSON IS TO ALWAYS LAUGH AT DAD JOKES, escpeically if he can dangle u by ur undies!
She sent me a pic of a pregnancy test subtitled... Guess what?
I did not laugh.
So at the restaurant where I work, managers are referred to as "PICs" (pronounced "pick"). This stands for Person in Charge. Its stupid, I know. Anyway, I work in the front of house, and I hear my coworker James, who works in the kitchen, yell through the order window; "I NEED TO SEE A PIC. I NEED A PIC OVER HERE! CAN I SEE A PIC?"
I walked over and stared at him through the order window. While maintaining eye contact I slowly inserted my finger into my nose and rotated it. He gaped at me, open-mouthed.
"What the fuck are you doing?"
"You asked to see a pick."
And then I laughed for like ten straight minutes while he shook his head in pity.
Background: Our family puppy has been wearing a diaper lately before she gets fixed.
As were taking the family picture, my brother is holding the dog like a baby for one of the pics, and my mom says “okay one picture with you holding the dog then were putting her down.” To which my dad responds “Awww, we don’t need to put her down, we just need to get her fixed.”
Speaker: I'm glad you could all make it
Whole crowd: in unison hi glad you could all make it We're dad
Speaker: Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it"
entire conference loses their shit
