We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude.

I personally am on the fence

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yarnell3131
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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Help!! Creative Minds Needed!!

My Dad has recently shown a fascination with space and NASA. Long story short, Christmas is coming up and my plan is to surprise him with an all expense paid trip to Florida for 4 days with passes to the Kennedy Space Center. I’d schedule it around a launch so he would be able to see it in person. As well as checking out the area a bit since we’re there.

Which is where I need your help! I want to coordinate hints with presents that slightly hint at the trip. For example, I picked out a NASA tshirt, a space shuttle plush toy, assorted astronaut ice cream, socks that have planets and a rocket on them, mug that says β€œcoolest dad in the galaxy,” a map/atlas of florida, and luggage tags. And the final gift I’m thinking will be a letter that puts all the clues together and would include the plane tickets, car rental agreement, hotel confirmation, and the admission tickets in an envelope.

Can anyone give me ideas on what hints to use??

  • I’m still adding/taking away present ideas so if anyone has any better ideas please let me know!!

Thank you so much!! Any type of help is appreciated!! I don’t really have that β€œcreative” part of the mind... whether it be a rhyme or dad joke-y type hint, it doesn’t matter!

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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Need help with puns.

So I have an english speaking DnD group and it’s not my native language so I have a hard time coming up with creative puns.

Next month we will have an adventure where they will all be turned into sushi’s. Do you have any puns for Paladin sushi’s or wizard sushi’s or any other class BUT that person is also a sushi?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobertCutter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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In reality every person is a terraphil

It's a scientific fact: you can never be so attracted to an other person as you are attracted to the Earth

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NECRONOS89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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Pigs

Person 1: I will marry you when pigs fly.

Me: Swine Flu...

(end up getting married to my bae...con)

Not a true story. Something from the pig-ment of my imagination.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jslee_beats0608
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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I was arguing with my dad about how median is the best average.

He just doesn't agree with me. I think he is a very mean person.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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Man, that burglar was so sensitive.

He takes things personally.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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My girlfriend says I'm ready to be a Dad

I was watching TV with my hispanic girlfriend and on the show we were watching a guy gave a girl a danish (little pastry with fruit). My girlfriend said that while it looked pretty tasty and good, she's not much of a Danish person and I said, "Well, probably because you're hispanic.."

I immediately texted my dad the joke as well.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gerbil2013
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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What's a Fahrenheit?

A moderately tall person.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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Just came home to find all my doors and windows open, everything's gone!

Who would do that to another person's Advent Calendar?!

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flabbergash
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathes topless in the garden.

Personally,I’m on the fence.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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I was talking to an interior designer recently, who had just designed Adeles gaming room

She said β€œAdele was a good person to work for, but we had problems with her computer desk. I put it on one side of the room, and Adele got pretty angry.”

She said Adele replied β€œNo! I want to play Halo from the other side”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Folically-endowed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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What do you call a person who points out the obvious

The person who points out the obvious

πŸ‘︎ 136
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TarikAlic
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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I found the perfect password solution

I use the date of birth of a person I know. For example from Margarete von Henneberg. Nobody knows her. So how should someone get my password 1234?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pol_Ice
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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What does an empty room and a room full of married people have in common?

You can’t find a single person in it.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kenduvo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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Naturally Smart

What do you call a naturally born smart person?

A gene-ious

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jslee_beats0608
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
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A pun or two about magicians and their antics

Person 1: What is your opinion on that one classic pulling the bunny out of the hat trick?

Person 2: I think raises some hare-raising questions.

P1: How so?

P2: It just begs the question of how it affects the rabbits themselves. After all, the magicians were pulling them out without a carrot the world.

P1: You raise at interesting point.

P2: We all know it's because of the secret compartment, you know? And, to minimize the suspiciousness of the hat, the compartment is as small as possible?

P1: Yes

P2: It must be very uncomfurtable to be in that space, and then be grabbed by the ears and raised high in front of a crowd. Like, don't get me wrong, I love magic tricks, but I wand to specify that i honestly feel that this trick in particular is quite inhumane.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirZbear
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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I answered the door today and a police officer said "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a car accident."

I replied "yeah, but at least she has a nice personality."

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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If you’ve heard of Murphy’s Law you must have heard of Cole’s law

... it’s shredded cabbage

Edit: I personally hate coleslaw and thought it was made of lettuce.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cardporehorn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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I love taking pictures of my son, so much most people call me

his personal 'Papa'razzi.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/8Dinglehopper8
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. He took an Xray and told me I have a humerus fracture.

Personally, I didn't find it funny at all.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrendelBlackedOut
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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My mom actually made this up not my dad

Person 1: knock knock Person 2: who’s there Person 1: cash Person 2: cash who Person 1: Actually I prefer almonds

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bathtubgamer2017
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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What do you call someone who really likes digitally storing music?

Audiofilephile.

What do you call a database of people who love sound equipment?

Audiophile file.

What do you call someone who loves a person who loves to store digitally storing music?

Audiofilephilephile.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.

Personally, I think it's neat.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Adomoto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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Me: Is it a crime to throw sodium chloride in your enemy's eyes?

Person: Yes, that's assault.

Me: Yes I know it's a salt, but is it a crime?

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/abhish3kjain
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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My son is saying that I keep alluding to the Third Reich.

Personally, I just do Nazi it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFillywonk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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Son: "Dad, I'm high"

Dad: "hi high"

Son: "so you're not mad?"

Dad: "No, I'm dad"

Son: "I'm Hungry now."

Dad "Honey, I'm afraid our son might have multiple personality disorder."

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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My 12 year old...

What do you call a person with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tekprojekt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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Why is the tower named the Eiffel tower?

Because the first person that died was screaming

"I fell".

Sorry not sorry lol.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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If you tell me what my idea of a perfect date is...

I personally think it's DD/MM/YY. The rest are a bit confusing.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/butterymix
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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There were two friends and one of them wanted to open up a gelato shop.

When the friend finally got the location to run the shop he tried to get some experienced and dedicated employees. However, he soon realized that all the good employees for a gelato shop were already working at some nearby locations. So he had to deal with some mediocre people who didn’t care that much about gelatos. Then a day before the opening of the shop the person who was supposed to provide the materials for the gelatos called in as sick. Finally there were also some teenagers who decided to steal some of the decorations.

When the friend told this story the other friend then said,

#β€œMan, you have gelat of problems.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatGuy3036
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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My wife was complaining about how our next door neighbor's wife started sunbathing nude in their backyard.

Personally, I'm on the fence.

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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Roadkill is gross.

The person who runs a supermarket is grocer.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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Dad Joked by daughter

I had to go to court and was wearing a suit and tie. My 10 year old daughter thought this was fantastic for dress up was very interested. I took this as a teachable moment and wanted to tell her about showing respect for your personal appearance and showing up professionally. So I asked her, do you know why I dressed like this? She said to be professional. I said I want to show that I respect myself and I have respect for the court so I dressed accordingly. She laughed and said, "You mean you dressed acourtingly."

tl;dr

Daughter dad joked me about wearing a suit about dressing accourtingly

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notactjack
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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Cardboard cut out puns

Fathers day dinner tonight for my dad and my sister and family can't be there because of travel restrictions. I've organised life size cardboard cut outs of them and had my sister record a few dad jokes/puns. But I need help coming up with more ... the best, worst and cringiest are all welcome!

So far I have..
"I'm feeling a little flat"

"I'm board ... cardboard"

"You'd think my ears are painted on, You'll have to speak up"

"Can you believe someone told me I had the personality of cardboard"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NeishaJane
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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I’m a really short guy, and I always seem to pick fights over nothing

It’s hard trying to be the bigger person!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Achooneacore
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Give me antagonizing Fish puns

I'm looking for fish puns you would annoy the person who's unwillingly going on a fishing trip with you (it's for a fictional project) Would appreciate the help!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JediPecanPie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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How can a room full of married people be empty?

Because there’s not a single person there

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kennycrab12
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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Why did the room packed with married people seem empty?

Because there wasn’t a single person there

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MangoAway17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you think space aeroplanes will ever be a thing?

Because personally I can’t see them ever taking off.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/argotrevor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
How can a room full of married people be empty?

Because there isn't a single person in the room

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/toolaroola12
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How can a room of married people be empty?

There's not a single person there

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sss69sss
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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How can a room full of married people be empty?

Because there isn't a single person there.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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