I just found out that the guy who stole my diary died yesterday.

My thoughts are with his family.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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If your man doesn't appreciate jokes about fruit...

You need to let that mango...

😁

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JessieJade18
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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Disappear
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnArousedCatfish
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
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For my next trick,I will disappear.

"Fuck you,pear. You taste like shit."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mudpucket1969
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
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A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living

I told him he needs to grow a pear

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
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I'm still in awe by my fathers' genius.

I'm sitting at the dining room table with my mom just chatting about nothing in particular, when my dad walks with this shit eating grin holding something behind his back. Now for a little background info, my dad NEVER does surprises. And I mean never. So I immediately knew something was up. My mom turns around and asks him what's going on. He tells her to close her eyes and hold out her hands because he got her a surprise. At this point my mom gets really excited and asking, "what is it?! What is it?!" To which my dad replies,

"Do you remember when we went out the other day and you were looking at those new running shoes, but you decided not to get them because they were too expensive?"

To which she responds, "ahhhh! Yes I remember!!"

He then says, "well I saw how much you liked them so I decided to get you a pear."

And he puts a fresh pear in her hands.

She still won't talk to him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/laxerado1313
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2014
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Before Coffee at the Office

Walking back from the kitchen at work with a snack I turn to my coworker and say:

"I like pears, which is why I'm bummed there was only 1"

"Ok dude", he waits for a moment and looks at me... "Was there a hidden joke in there?" He questions skeptically.

I smile at him and wait a moment. Realization dawns on his face and he curses and turns away trying not to show that he's laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WakeskaterX
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2016
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The story of my friend Sam

HI I’m Tim the turtle, yes a real turtle. And I would like to tell you the story of my best friend. I once had a friend by the name of Sam. Sam of course was a clam. A real live honest to goodness clam. He was my best buddy, but unfortunately he smoked and drank and ran around with loose women (and a few men). I was more of the goodie two shoes type. I never drank, never smoked, I didn’t even swear. But for some reason Sam and I were the best of friends. I guess you can say we were the epitome of opposites attracting. One day as we were hanging out walking along the beach Sam, after his fifth cigarette in a row, had a heart attack and died. I was heart broken. My best friend died right there in front of me and he never repented his evil ways. I was sure he would spend eternity in damnation. Sigh. Being the goodie two shoes type I was still extremely healthy well into my old age. I missed my friend terribly for many years. On his birthday I would host a party and invite his old stripper girlfriends and poker buddies around to relive stories. It was always a fun evening, but in the end left me more lonely than before. Eventually, my broken heart couldn’t stand it anymore and I too died. I was pleased to find that there was a heaven. Being an almost saint I was whisked directly past the line to the Pearly Gates to be greeted by St. Peter. A big grin erupted on his face and he came right around his desk to give me a great big hug. β€œTim”, he said, β€œYou have been such a good person back on earth that God has asked me to grant you any wish you would like before even entering heaven”. To say I was flabbergasted is an understatement. I thought for a minute, I guess God expected me to ask for more time on earth, but I knew what I really wanted to do was to visit with my old friend Sam. So I asked. Poor St. Peter didn’t know what to say. You know Sam is in Hell right? Well I knew that was a strong possibility so I wasn’t surprised. Peter excused himself for a while and went to check with the big guy himself. He was gone quite some time, but eventually he returned. Peter said my request was approved, but under a few conditions. First, I would have to carry a golden harp as a passport back into heaven. This harp could only be carried by a good soul so I couldn’t be replaced by a look alike demon. Second, I would have to return by midnight. God didn’t want me to face too much temptation. I agreed to these conditions and took the highway down to hell. (Nope n

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dendari
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
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My physics teacher today

He's normally filled with dad jokes, but today was a bit more than usual.

Physics problem about horse pulling cart

Teacher stands up on table and makes horse noises

Class laughs

Teacher: What? I'm a horse! It's a bit of a long tale!

Class laughs

Teacher: but, let's stop horsing around and get to the mane point!

Student: You're on a roll today Mr. Teacher!

Teacher: No, I'm on a table!

Later on in class

Teacher: As you can see forces come in pairs! Pulls out a pear and opens it up revealing F and -F on each side

And then later on

Student: Hold on Mr. Teacher, I'll fix the calculations.

Teacher grabs onto desk

Teacher: When can I stop holding on?

Just a typical day in physics for me.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdventurePee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2013
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Out joked by the wife

After getting back from the store, one of the pears we bought was not good upon closer inspection. I cleverly quipped "a-pear-ently one of these pears has a dis-pear-ity". Quite pleased, I chuckled to myself "oh, me and my dad jokes!"...my wife looked at me and said, "did you say dad jokes or bad jokes?"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spoobles
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2015
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A dad joke I pulled...on my own dad!

So I went into the kitchen to grab a pear to eat, my dad asks me "are you getting a pear?" My response: "A pair of what?" My dad was quite impressed with the dad-ness of my joke =D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Plastic_soda
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2013
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Blind-Sided

I was at work rotating the organic pears we were selling at $1.49/lbs when a woman shopping in the arms of her blind husband. She made mention of wanting pears so I said cheerfully "We have Organic Bartlett Pears from Rainer Washington on sale for $1.49/lbs". Her face glowed with excitement as she thanked me. Her husband moved his head to my direction and said with the biggest shit eating grin "Thanks for letting us know. They weren't noticeable beforehand."

I groaned loudly as my boss laughed. "Did I just get dadjoked? I think I got dad joked." The blind man chuckled and said "Yes... Yes you did."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Syd35h0w
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2014
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