I was out on a safari when i saw this big, fat, grey animal limping painfully toward a muddy pond. I asked the tour guide if it was injured...
He said, "No, it's just a hip-hurt-potamus"
My 9 year old told me this: What happens if you party to hard on May the Fourth?
>! Revenge of the Fifth!<
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
A man turns up to a fancy dress party with no costume apart from a naked woman on his back.
He tells the host he has come dressed as a snail.
"But who's the woman?" The host asks, confused.
"Oh, This is Michelle"
This was my 6 year old cousins favourite joke for a while and it still cracks me up especially given the concerned looks the adults share when the joke starts
I toured the USS Missouri today…
In the ship I saw the Master at Arms’ office and weapon storage was right near the ship’s bakery. It struck me as odd, until I realized that the Navy followed the same principles as the Army having the US gold in Fort Knox, surrounded by an armored force.
You have to be able to guard the dough.
"Have you seen my Post-it note for our neighbour's party on the fridge?" my wife asked.
I said, "I don't want our neighbours having a party on our fridge."
When I came to the cruise party with an eyepatch on and a cutlass only to see everyone in suits and ties,
I realized I was dressed inappropirately
I went on a tour of an underwear factory once.
It wasn't very long so my time there was brief.
Mary was 8 months pregnant when she was spotted partying at the club
Her friends saw her and asked, "Mary, what are YOU doing here??"
Mary said, "I get knocked up, but I get down again."
I went to the party store to get balloons for my kids birthday and was talking to the clerk about the rising cost of helium.
The clerk said “Actually, it is due to increased inflation.”
I told my wife I saw a deer on the way to work.
She said how do you know he was headed to work?
Why is the mushroom always invited to parties?
Why did the mushroom go to the party
What did the egg say to the house party?
What do you call a detective dog's party held in the United Arab Emirates?
Why didn't they let the fungi into the party?
My girlfriend and I were just touring the farmer’s market - she said one of the tables had some red hot chilli peppers, and asked if I wanted some.
I said, only if they’re givin’ ‘em away, givin’ ‘em away, givin’ ‘em away now.
Why did the Walrus go to the tupperware party?
He was looking for a tight seal.
So we all know that you find H2O inside a fire hydrant, but what do you find on the outside of a fire hydrant?
What did the oyster cleaner say when his colleagues threw him a party?
The Village People are getting ready to host a party.
Nacho, nacho plan... they've gotta make a nacho plan.
my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..
..they make me feel even number.
I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus.
Thats how i lost my job as a bus driver
I just found out the Mortal Kombat theme was based on something old
The police arrested a dog for giving birth on the street.
I went to a costume party dressed as a harp. The host said my costume was too small to be a harp.
I replied, "Are you calling me a lyre?"
6:30 is the best time on a clock.
At a neighborhood party, my wife asked if I wanted to change the baby.
I said, “Not really. I like him the way he is.”
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited us for a party afterwards.
It was the Father, the Son, and the Goalie host.
Two potatoes are standing on the street corner. How do you know which one’s a prostitute?
The one with the stickers that says IDAHO 😂
A high school girl was on her way home from a party, got knockout drunk, and shat on herself and all over her friends.
She was a real party pooper
I was taking my children on a tour of the largest territory in Canada, but they kept acting up so I turned around and went home.
My wife was mad about it, but I don't care! I was having Nunavut!
A lot of the jokes on this sub are just terrible, but at the end of the day...
Hi there, I'm Buzz Aldrin, the second person to ever walk on the moon..
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists launch sneak attack on the periodic table.....
Add the element of surprise.
I’m planning a paint themed party for my friend, any paint/art themed puns I can use for the invitations?
Who is the official tour guide for the Vatican?
Where do the dead go to party?
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack
She doesn’t know it yet, but her thyme’s cumin
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
I forgot to post this on Pi Day. Oh well! The Argyle Sweater for 3/14/21
Why wasn't the scuba diver invited to the company's executive beach party?
Because he was below C-level.
What was the cannibal given after he showed up late to the dinner party?
I overdosed on viagra the other day
It was the hardest day of my life
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
I told my niece that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning.
She said, "How do you know it was on it’s way to work?”
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