I don't get why my doctor gave me a prescription for hearing aids instead of 5 pairs of glasses...
He said I have teneyetis.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Nov 28 2021
My gastroenterologist called me to ask why I hadnβt completed the tests that he ordered.
I told him I didnβt give a shit.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Oct 23 2021
My wife got me a pair of shoes , and she got the same kind for herself
I guess that makes us, soul-mates
π︎ 40
π
︎ Dec 14 2021
Whyβd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test?
Heβs an excellent parallel Parker π¬
π︎ 683
π
︎ Dec 08 2021
I made a promise to my new pair of underpants.
π︎ 41
π
︎ Nov 23 2021
Why did the Spider-Man in the alternate universe do better on his driver's test?
Because, naturally, he's a parallel Parker.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Oct 19 2021
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole-in-one.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Nov 29 2021
I can never forget a pair of breasts ..
I guess I've got a good mammary!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 04 2021
So my grandfather got a pair of pants tailor made, I asked him how they were, he said "They're like a poorly built mansion." "Why's that?"
π︎ 44
π
︎ Nov 27 2021
Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks when golfing?
Just in case they get a hole in one.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Sep 08 2021
These aren't dad jokes...
Dad jokes are supposed to be jokes you can tell a kid and they will understand it and find it funny.
This sub is mostly just NSFW puns now.
If it needs a NSFW tag it's not a dad joke. There should just be a NSFW puns subreddit for that.
Edit* I'm not replying any longer and turning off notifications but to all those that say "no one cares", there sure are a lot of you arguing about it. Maybe I'm wrong but you people don't need to be rude about it. If you really don't care, don't comment.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Dec 15 2021
Why do swans take care of each other so well once they've paired for life?
Because it's "in cygnus or in health"
π︎ 13
π
︎ Aug 15 2021
How much skin is needed to make a pair of shoes?
2 ft
Credit: u/Pharmphresh
π︎ 36
π
︎ Nov 20 2021
A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.
They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society. >
The boomer waves this off and says the kids these days are just too sensitive, and that he fought for civil rights in the sixties and did his part.
They go back and forth on this for a while, and finally the Gen Z kid says, "we're just not gonna settle this. We don't see eye to eye. You're too old and out of touch and I'm too young and inexperienced. What we need to do is ask a Millennial with a PhD in sociology for their opinion."
The boomer says, "that's a great idea!" And yells, "HEY BARTENDER, C'MERE!"
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Nov 19 2021
What company does the state of Indiana use for paternity tests?
π︎ 165
π
︎ Nov 24 2021
All the animals came to the Ark together. Even the insects came in pairs.
Except the worms. They came in apples.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 06 2021
why do you bring 2 pairs of pants to golf
incase you get a hole in one
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 07 2021
T'is the season to be generous
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Dec 14 2021
Hey- itβs come to our attention that some of you who are posting here arenβt actually dads. It's inappropriate to make a "dad joke" if you are not a dad.
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Dec 02 2021
What does a pair of shoes say to another pair of shoes
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 27 2021
So a guy bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer
I donβt know what he laced them with but he was tripping all day
π︎ 139
π
︎ Sep 27 2021
A couple of guys robbed an art gallery, but then their van wouldn't start...
Because they didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Dec 15 2021
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Dec 04 2021
My 8 yo son just hit me with a classic dad joke and i didn't even see it coming!
I'm sitting here scrolling reddit when my son casually strolls out of his room into the kitchen...
Him: (knocks on the fridge door)
Me: (genuinely confused) what are you doing?!?
Him: Knocking on the fridge door
Me: Why?
Him: Just in case there is salad dressing in there...
It's a lame dad joke i know, but his execution was so spot on i couldn't help but laugh out loud.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Dec 06 2021
If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion
They would call it crucifact.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Nov 14 2021
Any competent tailor can repair a pair of pants...
π︎ 74
π
︎ Oct 06 2021
I went to the store and bought a pair of those new Camouflage pants.
When I got home, I couldn't find them anywhere.
I guess that plan didn't work out so well?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 08 2021
My wife just told me the singer from the Monkees died. I didn't believe her.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Dec 11 2021
Say it ain't Marceau!
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Dec 04 2021
The woodworking test had us attach two pieces of wood together.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 12 2021
What wine pairs well with a mask?
π︎ 18
π
︎ Oct 25 2021
Don't...
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Dec 07 2021
Whale I don't regret buying it
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Dec 03 2021
Why don't French people ever eat two eggs for breakfast?
Because one egg is un Εuf
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Nov 18 2021
My co workers canβt stand working with me at the sperm bank because every time a new customer walks in I canβt help but say
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Dec 06 2021
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
Canβt argue with that
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Nov 17 2021
My five year old is full of em. What do you call two birds that are stuck together?
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Dec 12 2021
My email wasn't working this morning so I asked my magic 8 ball why...
It said "outlook not so good."
Thank you, this is an original.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Nov 16 2021
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Nov 18 2021
Wife: "My apple watch updated last night, now I just need to pair it"
Me: "I doubt you will be able to find even one parrot this time of day, let alone two!"
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 22 2021
My family wanted me to fly out for the holidays. I told them I couldn't because I was banned by all airlines. When my family asked "why". I looked them dead in the eyes and told them the truth- It's because....
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Dec 11 2021
Our dad was in the hospital and they asked us his blood type but we couldnβt remember and he didnβt make it.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Dec 09 2021
I bought a new pair of sunglasses
and this morning my friend said they look really cool. Later my other friend said they look dumb. Wow, they really are polarizing!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 12 2021
I always take an extra pair of socks with me when I go golfing.
Just in case I get a hole in one.
π︎ 55
π
︎ Nov 04 2021
Why should you take an extra pair of socks when golfing?
In case you get a hole in one
π︎ 75
π
︎ Oct 07 2021
Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?
In case they get a hole in one!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 22 2021
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