The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
My dad asked me, “Do you know why our neighbour’s house burned down?”
Me: Fireworks?
Dad: Yeah. Sadly it does.
Had an unexpected delivery turn up at our house earlier, 2700 bananas.
Tonight, we eat like kongs.
my wife and I found out that our boy was convicted of burning down houses
no matter what he's still arson
Our neighbour's 6 year old son was sleeping in their house, I've seen it and called the Cops right away
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
Coffee is the silent victim in our house...
I was going to cover the windows of our new house with curtains, but my wife came in and tossed vertical blinds at me...
Dunno why the she had to throw shade on my pursuit...
When we came home from the hospital with our newborn son, my wife asked if the house was baby proof.
I told her I thought the baby was the proof himself.
I have a problem. My wife steals animals from the zoo and hides them in our house.
I tried to bring it up but she didn't want to discuss the elephant in the room.
Our house got hit with a pretty big storm last night and I lost 25% of my roof.
We got a 3 yo dad in our house
My 3 year old brother came up to me (and everyone else in the house several times each) to tell a joke he made up (translated from Turkish but works in English anyway).
3yo: Do you need to go to the bathroom (a question we ask him frequently)?
Me: No
3yo: Are you sure?
Me: Yes?
3yo: Oh, hi Sure!
Our house is being haunted by a manic depressive ghost
I call it our bipolargeist.
Some boy scouts came to our house today and asked for donations for a local community pool being built.
I went and got them a glass of water.
When we moved into my new house, our next door neighbour presented us with a bunch of logs for our fireplace.
It was ...a house warming gift.
A white-tail keeps showing up at our house doing tricks, trying to impress us to get food...
My brother was stressing that someone in our house could contract the coronavirus by going out for supplies.
My dad responded: "We could all be getting viruses from our computers right now."
My wife won our house today as she wanted me to hang this piece eye level.
A buddy fixed the boiler in our new house
He wouldn’t accept any compensation. Called it our house warming gift.
Today me and my wife caught our son burning down a house
We held each other's hand and said "that's arson"
There’s no marijuana in our house
Last night I asked my dog what we should call the top of our house
He just looked at me like he had no clue what I said.
My wife told me our kid nearly burned down the house....
Now I'm really scared of arson
Pulled a real groaner while closing on our new house today
My wife and I are signing our loan docs today with the title company.
Wife: "I don't get why you sign your name so fast but write the date so slow."
Me: "I guess ever since we got married I don't date as often as I used to."
Title Lady: "Booooooo."
She later acknowledged that she hadn't heard that one in 21 years of doing her job. I've never been so proud and ashamed at the same time.
We're currently selling our house...
The GF called to say we had a viewing and asked what state the house was in...
"Well, it's certainly not a gas...."
sigh - phone goes silent - click
Might be looking for a place on my own now.
My wife has banned dad jokes in our house
So I have to stand outside and shout them in
There was a rumor around our neighbor that we aren't allowed to go to the house with the color blue
That's because it's not our property
My son said it was getting cold in our house....
I said " Go stand in the corner to warm up, it's 90 degrees."
My wife wanted to buy a pole for our house.
I told her she should probably take it for a spin first.
So we came home yesterday only to find that someone broke into our house...
Looking around, it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot.
Our TV was still there, the kids PS4, and legos were fine.
But the house was dark, even when we tried to turn on the lights.
Seems the only thing that was taken were our light bulbs and a couple lamps...we were delighted.
My wife and I hung a copy of the US constitution in our house.
We call it the decoration of independence.
My wife told me a cheese factory not that far from our house burnt down to the ground. I went to take a look to see it with my own eyes and she was right..
..all that was left was de brie.
My wife saw a spider in our house and told me to take it out.
He seems pretty cool. Had some good conversation. He said he wants to be a web developer.
I bought a new heater for my wife, as she is constantly complaining about how cold our house is.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
After our house burnt down, the cops told us it could have been done by someone we know.
I turned to my wife and said, “Is it arson?”
We child proofed our house.
But the kids keep getting in
My wife was yelling and upset with me that I couldn't figure out the exact route to her parents house in Canada from our place in Ohio.
I told her it was border line abuse.
Had to cut the legs off my kid's bunk beds so they could fit in our new house.
One I heard on the Johnny Cash show: "My wife and I haven't had a single fight in our house"
Guest: "What's your secret?"
Cash: "We go in the yard"
We're having some tree surgeons take town some trees at our new house...
I asked my dad "When are the tree fellers coming?"
He replied "Monday, but I'm not sure if it'll be tree fellers, there might be four."
He said it with a stone-cold serious tone, whilst poking around on his ipad. The best sort of delivery for that sort of joke.
The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.
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