My kids wanted to spend the whole day of our vacation shopping, which I donโt understand at all.
If youโve seen one shopping Center, youโve seen the mall!
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︎ Mar 29 2022
The biggest shock of my life was the day my wife delivered our son
Turns out it was actually DiGiorno
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︎ Apr 06 2022
Girlfriend: "Honey, would you give me a ring on our wedding day?"
Boyfriend: "Sure, what's your number?"
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︎ Mar 03 2022
I treasure the days we spent as a family replacing the topsoil of our yard.
The days of our kids playing on the old grass are now lawn gone.
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︎ Mar 03 2022
It was a white Christmas kind of day and our fenced backyard was blanketed with crystalline beauty. We let our two little puppies out the back door. Amazingly, in a short period of time the yard was peppered with small holes over the entire surface. The cause of this wasโฆ..
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︎ Feb 09 2022
My Wife says to me this morning. Our new neighbor kisses his wife every day when he leaves for work, why don't you do that..?!!
..because I hardly know her.
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︎ Aug 27 2021
A dad joke from my four year old this morning as her mom and I realized out loud it is our football day โDaddy is it warm outside now?โ
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︎ Dec 12 2021
My wife, tired, looked over at me next to the cot where our 5 day old daughter lay.
"Has she gone?" she asked me, questioning whether she's fallen asleep.
I peered over inside the cot and answered,
"Nope, she's still there."
(True story from last night)
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︎ Dec 06 2021
My wife and I have to run an errand this morning, but our day is wide open after that.
First, we're going to pick up our new glasses. After that...we'll see.
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︎ Aug 11 2021
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. Itโs not the best...
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︎ Apr 18 2020
The other day a cowboy stopped by our house and asked my Dad if he could help him round up 18 cows.
"Sure thing, pardner. That's 20 cows," says Dad.
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︎ May 15 2021
At dinner time, talking about our days, I said work was busy because we're short staffed, and my 11yo boy says.....
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︎ Apr 15 2021
So I was at Chiliโs the other day and when a waiter came to take our order, I asked him to turn the heat up and when he asked why
I replied it seems a bit chilly in here. Iโm now banned at all Chiliโs restaurants in the USA
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︎ Mar 26 2021
Why do we base our work around 7 days instead of a fortnight?
Because working for a fortnight would make everyone too weak.
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︎ Feb 08 2021
Recently, I've been driving my wife crazy with how many friends named Fred I've been making, and they all look the same, no less. That said, one day a man rang our bell, and my wife, relieved that he did not look like my other friends, asked who he was, to which a replied:
"Don't worry, Honey, he's just another Fred of mine."
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︎ Mar 15 2021
My wife was commenting on one of our cats and its big belly. I said, "I don't get it. She eats protein all day...
...she's on Catkins."
(one of these days my wife's eyes are gonna get stuck in the eye-rolling position)
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︎ Jan 28 2021
My wife asked me the other day what I wanted to name our twin daughters. Kate, I replied. And the other, she asked?
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︎ Nov 19 2019
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (weโre expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, โwhere do I drop it off?โ
She says, โGo in the front door and thereโs a little desk that you -โ
โDonโt you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?โ
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
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︎ Nov 18 2020
Our birth coach just cancelled, my wife is due any day now, and we're freaking out!
We're having a midwife crisis.
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︎ Sep 01 2020
I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"
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︎ May 29 2020
We had a kidnapping at our school the other day
They got a whole 20 minutes in before the teacher woke him up
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︎ Jul 09 2020
We have a magnetic alphabet on our fridge. The other day my daughter grabbed the letter T and put it in her in milk.
She looked at me and said, โIโm having a T party.โ
I chortled.
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︎ Jun 26 2020
Alright....time for a classic. The Ceo of Datsun was talking to his other high ranking workers when it had just been founded and said, you have 2 days to come up with a name for our company
The workers in a thick Japanese accent said DAT SOON
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︎ Oct 24 2019
The day after our son died my wife came to me and said she felt like she wasnโt grieving properly and she felt bad.
The next day I woke up to her sobbing and I told her โgood mourning!โ
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︎ May 03 2019
I teach elementary special Ed, and my co-teacher and I joke back and forth all day. This is our most recent best.
Co-teacher: "Students name" came in and said he lost his throat.
Me: Oh no! Did he check where he last remembered having it?
Co-teacher: He couldn't say.
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︎ Dec 23 2019
I sell appliances - one day the grates for one of our cooktops went missing...
A couple months later I found them hidden somewhere, most likely by some hooligans who had nothing better to do.
Anyways, after I found them I walked up to all my coworkers holding up the grates and said:
"Guys! I have grate news!"
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︎ Dec 24 2019
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
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︎ Nov 27 2019
The ultimate dadjoke. My toddlers believe that on 3 kingโs day (along with bringing gifts) the camels severely screw up our home. I put muddy hoof prints throughout, upend the plants, knock over the tree, tear apart fruit, etc.
This year Was a symphony! We had aunts, and two grandmas join in for a seriously epic camel disaster for the kids to discover tomorrow. Feeling proud of my dad skills.
Photos here:
https://imgur.com/gallery/b8sILu3
Edit: the oldest is 5. We celebrated a day early so their aunt could be here. The real 3 kings day is tomorrow. Donโt tell the wise men!
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︎ Jan 05 2019
My wife insists that she deserves an extra present this Mothers' day since she is the mum of our pet dog.
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︎ Oct 31 2019
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
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︎ Apr 21 2019
So our P.E teacher said we are only having Omnikin for one day
But the next day, we had Omnikin. So I told my friend, "You gotta be Omnikidding me!"
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︎ Oct 21 2019
It has been a bit of a strange day today... First of all I found a hat full of money in our local High Street,
then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!
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︎ Oct 06 2019
Our days are numbered
There is the 1st, the 2nd, the 25th, etc., no day has ever been called A, B or Mary.
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︎ Dec 22 2017
My older daughter asked me why Mommy is so tired after breastfeeding our baby all day
I told her:
Breastfeeding is tough for Mommy, it really takes a lot out of her
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︎ Mar 22 2019
I went to a restaurant with two friends the other day one of them ordered a rare steak and the other asked for a medium rare steak. When we got our food they had each other's steaks,
I then instinctively yelled "I guess this was just a big 'mistake'"
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︎ Jul 06 2019
Waiter: Our special of the day is beef tongue.
Customer: Ugh! I canโt eat anything out of an animalโs mouth. Give me a coupla eggs.
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︎ Mar 08 2018
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentineโs Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
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︎ Feb 14 2019
"Happy Father's Day to everyone who used our competitors' products"
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︎ Jun 18 2018
The teaching assistant for our class didn't show up the day after injuring his foot
Our professor told us he had a lame excuse
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︎ Apr 28 2016
I'm sick and tired of hearing how divided our country is these days...
when almost all the states are connected like a big jigsaw puzzle.
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︎ Jun 22 2017
I had fun angering our local magician the other day....
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︎ Aug 04 2017
Got my wife of 5 days after our wedding
I handed her a hundred to deposit in the bank from a wedding present.
Her: Do you have any smaller bills?
I proceed to take out a ten...
Her: taking off a zero doesn't count.
So I take the hundred, fold it in half, and hand it back
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︎ Oct 14 2016
So I was mowing our lawn the other day and I wasn't wearing any shoes.
My dad shouted at me from the balcony and said "If you cut off your legs mowing that lawn, don't you come running to me".
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︎ Jun 29 2015
Our neighbors chicken jumped our fence and was hanging out in our backyard most of the day...
GF: Hey! The chicken is on the fence.
Me: On what topic?
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︎ Dec 25 2014
Wife (In reference to our unborn child): She's been kicking all day. She won't let me sleep!
Me: I guess you can say... she gets a kick out of it!
YEAHHHHHH!! (I didn't actually do this part, but it played in my head.)
Wife: groans go to sleep.
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︎ Mar 21 2015
The day has 24 hours. If we cant finish our work, we still have the night.
A saying of my father a frontpage post inspired me to share.
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︎ Oct 07 2015
My wife drove our German car off the pier and into the sea. The next day I went diving and found it.
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︎ Apr 20 2019
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