Operation Gold Puns

Let me just start with some backstory. My wife and I recently had an electrical fire due to a short in our dryer wiring. Thankfully we were able to prevent significant damage to our home, but we no longer have a working washer or dryer. I work as an RN on a Medical-Surgical floor and only have three full uniforms. So we have to do a load of laundry at least once a week. In order to make sure I have sanitized uniforms, we have been doing weekly trips to our local coin operated laundromat (Gold’s Laundry). Last week, my wife took our laundry in and washed two loads. While the second load was in the washer, she said she could smell acrid smoke coming from the machine and it abruptly stopped working. Thankfully there was an attendant in the building, so my wife notified them of the issue. The attendant came over and asked her to empty the machine so he could look inside. When she pulled out the clothes, there was a small amount of change in the bottom of the basin. The attendant told my wife that the loose change had caused the issue and that we would be responsible for paying for repairs. My wife felt that it was highly unlikely that loose change could cause the issues and told this to the attendant. The attendant became argumentative and threatened to call the police. My wife told the attendant to go ahead and call them because he was being so aggressive and argumentative. Once the police arrived, they told my wife that she was indeed in the wrong and arrested her for money laundering.

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is