I called Robinhood to complain about not being able to buy more GME

Operator said β€œplease hold”

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tegurd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I started a new business farming microscopic fish

It's a small scale operation

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Mathematicians were the first doctors.

They were the first to perform operations on problems.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timfreemints
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Wren kitchens have just been closed down by the police

Apparently it was a big counter fitting operation

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scorchedarcher
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A man goes into surgery to get his Appendix removed.

Unfortunately, the doctor cut a little too deep and the man's organs began to spill out onto the operating table....

...

...

"Well, it looks you have a table of contents now" says the medical assistant.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
The Egyptian government has asked Cairo’s taxi drivers to drive around and sound their horns in the hope that familiar sounds will help calm the residents following the pandemic.

Operation Toot And Calm β€˜Em will last a week.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Italian restaurants

Two Italian restaurants operated on the same street. The other chef was certain that the other one had stolen his recipes so he payed a visit at his competitor’s restaurant.

He got served with nice plate of spaghetti and the waitress said: β€œThis full pl8, I’m sure you can appreci8. It’s so gr8. Now just dig in don’t hesit8, I sure you don’t want to w8”.

The chef looked at the waitress and asked: β€œIs that a copypasta?”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-KFAD-
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you wave at a group of cows?

A "Hi, steaks!" operation.

...Hurt me more to write it than it did for you to read.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
News just in: Local police have acquired 1000 bees

They're believed to be used as part of a sting operation

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gizmo734
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the time the lead singer of the band β€œThe Police” went undercover to catch a criminal?

It was a Sting operation

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dig-ol-bick
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A lawyer wakes up after surgery

He asks the nurse why the blinds are drawn.

She says, "There's a fire outside and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Dear Sir/Madam

Your sex change operation was a partial success.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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My friend and I are starting a weed farm

It's a joint operation

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thats_awkward_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Ordis from Warframe is just pure love

Everything in Ordis, Operator? Is that a pun?! Hmm.... I will attempt to bypass this fault.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spontifex
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the teacher who ran a landscaping business during breaks?

He operated the grader.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I was in an elevator and got out at the 10th floor.

The operator said β€˜Have a nice day son’. β€˜Don’t call me son’ I said. β€˜You’re not my dad’ The operator scratched his head and said β€˜No, but I brought you up didn’t I?’

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/debin_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call the number 8 in a concert hall?

An operate!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EpicApollo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I invented a surgical robot

So far it only operates on batteries..

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
An American ship is sinking off the German coast.

The captain goes to use the radio to get help and says β€œwe’re sinking! We’re sinking!”

The German operator answers β€œwhat are you sinking about?”

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoamTheSHEEP
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What do get if you cross SadΓ© with a minus sign?

A smooth operator (smoooooth opperrateerer)

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boris-Bollockov
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Hospital Visit

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said.

Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it...

... then my illegal logging operation is a great success.

πŸ‘︎ 129
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πŸ‘€︎ u/devnodegree
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
When Gordon Sumner left the police to start a solo career

It became a Sting operation

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bios_001
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I hate that feeling after surgery when you're not sure if you're awake or asleep

or if you operated on the right patient.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/galiyaan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
An Arabian camel wanted to race in the Kentucky Derby but couldn't because in addition to being a camel, he had a hump.

So he came up with a plan: he would have his hump removed surgically and run as a horse in the Derby. He went online and finally found a plastic surgeon who would do the operation. And lo and behold, the first time he entered the Derby he won by 20 lengths!
Back in the desert, every time a camel friend would come over, he would boast pompously about his win, talking about nothing else. Pretty soon, his friends stopped coming over. So he has to go to the camel bar to see them. Upon entering the bar, one of his tired friends says to another, "oh no! Here comes Hump free braggart."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Dirty NASA experiment unearthed

NASA decided to send a vegetable to space. After the rough takeoff the spud soiled himself.

Operation Spud-Nik turned violent when the astronauts, due to unforeseen circumstances, ran out of food. It wasn't long before the five guys came up with a plan. They unearthed him and gouged his eyes out. As unappealing as it sounded, spud was sliced up, fried and eaten. Noone seemed to mind a little assault. Sometimes spaceflight is unpredictable and dirty sacrifices must be made.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeeSpaceApiaries
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard a story once about a train driver.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/homelesspancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I don't practice "social distancing."

After 30 years of social anxiety and a deep disgust of humanity in general, I operate on an "expert" level.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
🚨︎ report
The Pentagon has a bakery where government agents learn secret recipes by mixing the ingredients themselves...

It operates on a knead to know basis.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
When maijuana is legalized, all the money raised through taxes should go into road repair

It would be called Operation Pot Holes

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?

He was arrested in a sting operation.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My bald headed surgeon friend is the most charismatic person I know.

He’s a real smooth operator.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the surgeon dress up a bee to remove a stinger from the patient?

Because that’s how a sting operation works.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brainsonastick
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
It's amazing that cops don't raise honey bees on the side.

They're experts at sting operations.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant...

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seed nobody done it.'

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shimaxed
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
A train conductor runs over a person

He goes to court and is sentenced to death by the electric chair. Before going to the chair he asks for a banana, it is given to him and he sits down in the chair, the operator presses the button and... The chair does nothing, so he is let free. The next day he runs over two people, he once again is sentenced to death but this time he asks for two bananas. He is given them, when the operator presses the button, the chair does nothing, so he is set free once more. The next day he runs over three people, he is sentenced to death a third time but the operator says to him, no more bananas, this time you will die. So he sits down on the electric chair and the operator presses the button, but nothing happens, so for the final time, he is set free. Later he tells his friend, "it wasn't about the bananas, I'm just a bad conductor"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheVampireQueen7
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend and I started a business where we weigh microscopic objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I just started a business where we specialize in weighing tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I've just started a business where I weigh tiny objects.

It's a small scale operation

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My friends and I started a business where we weigh really tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I just started my own business where we weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

πŸ‘︎ 328
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend and I started a business where we weigh tiny objects.

It’s a small scale operation.

πŸ‘︎ 176
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
🚨︎ report

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