What did one pumpkin say to the other after the halloween party?

We got lit last night!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kohop_Kapah
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2021
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My Mexican amigo went to a costume party dressed as a bean. No one could figure him out tho, and always asked, "are you dress as a bean?"

He'd always reply, "si. Yo soy.."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2021
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A man in a fancy suit and top hat approached me at the party: "Pardon me sir, are you the one who's been making horse noises?"

"Nay."

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2021
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No one at my party was able to break the clown piΓ±ata.

IT was hard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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I'm holding a 17th Century Party, and all the Enlightenment thinkers can swing by - except one.

Immanuel Kan't.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Supah_Cole
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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Two monsters were at a party having a good time when one of them noticed a lady monster rolled her eyes at them. The monster asked his monster friend "what should I do?"

The other other monster replied "be a gentleman, roll them back to her."

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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I wanted to buy the perfect Vincent Van Gogh costume for a Halloween party, but I couldn't find one.

They were all ear-regular.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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I lost my watch at a party once, turns out there was a guy harassing a woman while stepping on my watch. I went over to him a punched him, saying, β€œNo one does that to a woman...

not on my watch”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustiniR
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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Embarrassed the wife at a party with this one

Host dips her chip into a bowl of taco dip, breaks chip, new person arrives at the front door, host gives up and walks away with chip stuck in dip.

Person next to me: "Wow, she just left it in there."

Me: "Yeah, she abandoned chip..."

Wife just groans and walks away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/r0ck_l0bster
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2016
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Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Knif3likepro
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
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An orange went to a party to find a date but couldn’t find one.. frustrated, she said

Where did all the....Mango

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vitmal
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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So I was at a party and no one was getting punch
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kalebsantos
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
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So, my youngest son was pestering me for candy at Party City one Halloween...

I gently told him "No" at least 6 times, and finally we were at the register. My wife was checking us out, and he asks again.

Me: "Son, if you ask for one more piece of candy, I'm going to go back in time and take away the candy you had yesterday."

He stopped asking.

My oldest son looks at me defiantly and says, "Okay, do it to me!"

{ thinks for a second }

Me: "Fine. Do you remember that Snickers bar you had yesterday?"

Oldest looks confused and says, "What?? I didn't have a Snickers bar yesterday!"

Me: "Exactly."

I pat him on the back as he processes, and we exit the store.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/denzien
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2017
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At a wedding party the dj yelled out "All married people please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living".

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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There was a man that wanted to quit his job as a kids party entertainer but kept on procrastinating. Then one day he woke up and said to himself...

No more clowning around

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gabrielc0208
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
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Did you hear the one about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party?

He had no-BODY to go with.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MomanTy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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Did you hear the one about the introverted corn kernel that went to the party.

When things got heated, they say he really popped when he came out of his shell.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkshadow543
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2018
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True Story: I was driving my family to my son's birthday party at one of those trampoline places. While looking for it in the strip mall...

We passed an IHOP, to which I stated "There it is!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pikeben08
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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I changed therapists after my last one hosted a buffet party.

He came up to me and said, "Help yourself."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
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Did you hear the one about the party of Jewish french snowmen?

Bonhomme tish.

I think I strained my shoulder reaching for that one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ccococco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
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I dressed up as a Soviet penis at a party last Halloween, but no one found it funny...

I was hoping the costume would have a more Commie-dick effect.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twisted_Shogun
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
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What's the worst part about a well advertised party that no one attends?

It's all buildup with no punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dgrubbnasty
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2018
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My DnD party mate will make a fine dad one day

So I'm in this DnD party. There are six of us including the DM. Chris is the DM, and the other major player here is Shawn: what you need to know about him is that his character has three arms, plus a bionic one.

Chris: after Shawn has been attacked by a flying enemy and thrown off a pier So you're now in the water. What are you going to do?

Shawn: Does this affect my bionic arm?

Chris: No, you waterproofed it last session, remember?

Shawn: Oh, right. That's handy.

All: groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2014
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One mother showed up to my bachelor party and that was enough

No mas por favor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
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Hey Raymond, are you bringing a plus one to the company party?

Hey Raymond, are you bringing a plus one to the company party?

Just the wife, but she's more of a ten.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Capt-Redbeard
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2015
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My uncle dropped this one during our Christmas party.

For context, my grandfather recently had eye surgery and now has to have medical drops applied every few hours. Near the end of the party, my grandma says that it was time to "dot his eyes." As soon as that's said, my uncle reminds them not to cross their t's, too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Retnuhs66
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2015
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Morning after a party at my friends place, one friend had trouble sleeping.

My friend had trouble sleeping because a clock kept ticking loudly near him all night, so when he told us that I responded "I bet that really Ticked You off."

I was promptly told to leave the premises and not come back.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dorminder
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2014
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My Dad told one at a Christmas Party last night.

My Dad was discussing Black Friday deals with his friend and me.

Me: The entire store was 50% off of everything! Dad's Friend: That sounds like a great deal. Dad: Usually when I go to sales like that I end up coming out half naked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DatBandit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2014
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My mom is throwing a party and I pulled this one

Mom: I'm thinking of having a nacho bar at my party Me: If it's not my bar then who's bar is it Mom: What?...Oh my god u/Not_Brandon_

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Not_Brandon_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
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I Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl....

Not on my Watch

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2016
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