What do you call a one-eyed seafaring muroid?

A pi-rat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirFister13F
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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How do you make a copy of the fabled one eyed Greek creature?

A Cyclone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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What do you call a depressed one-eyed horse?

A sighclops.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/s0apyjam
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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What do you call a one eyed dinosaur?

A doyouthinkhesaur-us

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skinklemacfinkle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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What do you call a one eyed dinosaur?

D'ya think he saw us

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anassis
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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What did the one-eyed pirate say to his wife?

I have no eye dear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2015
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What does a one eyed pumpkin wear?

A pumpkin patch.

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Synergy_synner
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2016
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Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...

Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
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A police officer just came to the door and said he was looking for a man with one eye.

I told him he would probably find him faster he used both.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
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What did one eye say to the other?

"Between you and me, something smells."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Docfess
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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What do you call a person with one eye that's sad all the time?

A sighclops.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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What do you call a duck with one eye?

A dick.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/potatostomach
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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I've heard so much about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one talks about…

…the other four letters?

πŸ‘︎ 571
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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Eye'm sorry for this one :(
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Enoallday
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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Two monsters were at a party having a good time when one of them noticed a lady monster rolled her eyes at them. The monster asked his monster friend "what should I do?"

The other other monster replied "be a gentleman, roll them back to her."

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. β€˜Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’

β€˜Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths β€˜ was his technically correct answer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
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What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?

A Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lewisfirmin
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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I told my dad I just met someone with one eye named john.

My dad...what was his other eye called?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/catonmyshoulder69
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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Company password

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacremento"

When asked why they had such a long password, the employee rolled their eyes and said "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsAndIT
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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I recently got a new job!

A little bit of Background information:Β  When I was a young lad, my father was a professional glass cleaner.Β Β  Not just for a job, cleaning Glass was this man's passion!Β  He always wanted me to take over for him when I grew up, but I always thought it would be a pain, it was a silly job, really.Β Β  However, I knew that my father would be shattered if I didn't put an honest effort into the cleaning business.Β Β Β  The first time I perfectly cleaned a mirror, I realized I could really see myself doing this!Β Β  My father was wiping away tears of pride when I began to become as passionate as he was.

Anyways, fast forward to a couple months ago.Β Β  I have taken over my father's cleaning company, and was working a job at a publishing agency.Β  Now, due to the pandemic, this building had set up different entry points depending on the purpose of your visit, and each one was gated and stationed by an employee so you could have your temperature taken and go through a checklist to ensure you don't have any symptoms, etc.

After finishing the contract at this building, the owner was so impressed with my work that he said he would like to recommend me for a permanent job with a friend of his.Β Β  At first, I was skeptical (I had taken over the family business, after all), but it was becoming difficult to find regular clients anymore, so I agreed.Β Β Β  He gave me a single sheet from a notepad, and told me to write down something about myself that sets me apart from others in my line of work, and I should make it a very impactful statement,Β  his friend was a very busy man and wouldn't look at more than notes like these.Β Β Β  I wasn't sure what to write on the spot, so he told me to think about it, and return the note when I come back to leave the bill for my work.

So I came back a few days later, went through the gate to drop off my bill and my note about how I am much better than any other glass cleaner out there.Β Β Β  Well, it turns out the friend of the publishing agency's owner was a hiring manager for a well-known computer company, and my note really caught his eye, and I was offered the job!Β Β  Now I make more money every two weeks than I had with a month!Β Β  At first, I though my father would be upset by me leaving the family business behind, but he told me "As long as you are happy where you are, with what you are doing, then you are succeeding in life.Β  You are no longer a student of glass cleaning, you are my equal, and I am proud of you"Β  I never realized how freeing it

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/terjulmar
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
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One of our fish lost its eye

Me: How did that happen?

Dad: Eye dunno

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Undoomed081
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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I'm closing one eye, down this water slide...

Winking in a water wonderland!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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2 women in a restaurant, when a duck walks in with a huge bunch of flowers. He places them on the table and says,

"You two ladies are so beautiful with sparkling eyes. "

One of the women stopped him, called the waiter over and said, I ordered AROMATIC duck."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
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Steal everyone's eyelids and no one bats an eye...

Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind...

πŸ‘︎ 128
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
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In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, "Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do." The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, "Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do." Only one man stood under that sign...

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, β€œNo one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself."

The man shrugged and said, β€œMy wife told me to stand here.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
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Got my girl to roll her eyes with this one at the fair.

There were costumed food characters on stage in a cooking demonstration at the fair we were at (ice cream, churro, orange, and really round corn on the cob).

As the corn character was introduced, I turned to my girlfriend and said, "Aww shucks, that corn is a little husky."

The immediate look of disdain and the eye roll from her is my reason for living.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkelsey4610
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2016
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Ever since I lost one of my eyes in an accident my life hasn't had any depth.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/badbreak79
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
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Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes

Reason I gave was that β€œI can’t SEE myself coming in to work today”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redsidhu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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I once knew a pair of twins that looked exactly alike, except that one of them was missing an eye.

They were dentical twins.

πŸ‘︎ 173
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
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Why can't Santa have any kids?

Because he has popcorn balls.

-I make a point to tell my wife this one every year around Christmas. Eye roll means she liked it, right?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blizzard_a_foz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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Why do pirates have only one eye

pirate

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?

It's called a unicornea.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhalesWails
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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A long time bachelor met a girl in a bar with a glass eye.

As she sat down next to him her glass eye fell to the floor next to his stoll. He picked it up and handed it back to her.

They chatted all night and hit it off pretty well and eventually started dating.

One day while lying in bed, he turns to her and asks:

"Why me? Out of all the guys that were at the bar that night, why did you choose me?"

She looked at him surprised and said:

"Well, you caught my eye."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealitiesOfWar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard

Last night I couldn't sleep a wink

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/waq_will
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
So I met a lady today who replaced one of her eyes with a banana.

As a set, they were oddly appealing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/atonyatlaw
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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Accidentally punched myself (true story) and now I have a black eye (also true story). People say "That must've been one heck of a fight."

"Oh yeah. You should see the other guy!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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One thing I've never understood about that 'Cotton Eye Joe' song

If the singer was so upset, why didn't they just ban Joe?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisWritesStuff
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
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What did one eye say to the other eye?

Between you and me, something smells.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imnotadumbguy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
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What did one eye say to the other eye?

"I think there's something in between us that smells"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trashconverters
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
From my son: what did one eye say to the other eye?

Don't look now, but there's something between us that smells.

I've never been so proud

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dcschnazz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the right eye say to the left one?

Between you and me man something smells

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kriptor55
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells!

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Christmas-Pickle
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the one eye say to the other eye?

Hey Between you and me... something smells!

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GawdFro
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the right eye said to the left one ?

Between me and you something smells

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cursedtortoise
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
🚨︎ report
The one eye says to the other, "between me and you, something smells.."
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keenan316
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What did one eye say to the other?

"ya know? Between you and me, something smells."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EveryThangsSpicy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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I know a good eye doctor when I see one.
πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
🚨︎ report
What did one eye say to the other?

"Between you and me, something smells."

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DudleyDawson18
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
🚨︎ report

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