When she got back, I asked how warm it is. She replied back with "Luke warm". And that is how earl gray got his name. (Not sure if this one is a dad joke)
I said, "Yes. Steve."
She said, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"
"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"
Catherine.
Doctor: Stephen with a "ph"?
Nurse: Yes, a low one.
An old man named Brock Oswald Lee wanted to telephone his friend, Edward Flower. But he forgot, since he had dementia. The nurse quickly reminded him: “Brock O. Lee, call E. Flower”
I wasn't sure if it fit but it made me think of this sub.
I was in the hospital with my dad. Late night, new nurse walks in.
Her: "Hello. My name is Angel, and I'll be your nurse tonight."
Dad: Looks up. "Well if you're an Angel I must be in heaven."
Me: "Oh my god. Really?"
The woman wakes up from her coma and the nurse explains that she has been in a coma after she gave birth to twins, one boy and one girl. The nurse says that because the woman was not able to name her children, her brother named them for her.
Woman: Oh great, what did my brother name the girl?
Nurse: He named her Denise.
Woman: That's not so bad, what about my son?
Nurse: Denephew.
The doctor's office was associated with the local medical college, so there were a couple of med students watching the senior doctor work on my son's toe. He loaded up a syringe with anesthetic and injected in multiple places, explaining that he was doing this to achieve digital blocking (that is, numbing the entire digit, namely the toe).
After it was done they left the nurse to bandage my son up, and he said, "Dad? What did he mean by digital blocking?"
"Well, when you weren't looking he hooked your toe up to a USB port and downloaded some MP3s into it. If you hold your foot close to your ear you can hear "Laaaaa, aaaaa aa aaaaah, close to you.""
The nurse stared at me and turned to my son. "Is he always like this?"
He silently nodded, looking at the floor...
A lady is 9 months pregnant and is in a car accident. Turns out she was pregnant with twins and they had to an emergency C-section. She wakes up the next day and asks about her babies. Nurse tells her that her brother showed up and he named them. Fear stricken because her brother is an idiot she asks the nurse to bring in the first one, a girl, nurse tells her that she was named Denise. She thinks to herself well that's not bad. What is the boys name? Danephew.
I had to call the doctor's office about a new medication she put me on, when the nurse answers the phone
Me: Hi, my name is *** I'm calling for Dr ***. She just put me on this new medicine and I'm supposed to call in and let her know how everything is going
Nurse: ok, hun. I have to look you up in the system. What's your date of birth?
Me: April 7th
Nurse: What year?
Me: every year...
Nurse sigh ... what year were you born, sir?
Me: chuckle
So, my grandfather by the name of Leonard might lose his foot soon, due to diabetes/infection. Not at all hilarious, sure, but me and him have an awesome sense of humor. He lost his toe a few weeks back and I asked him if they placed it in a jar. He said, "No, they made it into stew."
My mother was less than pleased with our toe jokes but that was not the groaning moment.
A series of texts about my grandfather losing the entire foot ensues between my uncles, mom, sister and I. It went like this:
Me: If gramps loses his foot, in the worst case of scenarios, how would I go around asking the OR to put it in a jar? (directed to my sister who's a nurse)
Mom: OMG. Bad.
Sister: Ew. Lol.
Sister: http://giphy.com/gifs/jar-AuSAduPrXkDgk
Me: Oh man, if in forty years I'm ever at a family reunion all drunk, I'd be doing that. "Come my niece/nephew/grandchild! Speak of all your woes to the foot!"
Mom: STOP! Bad Grandchild!
Sister: You need a nap.
Me: I'd put the foot in an estate so that it can be passed down for many generations. It'll be the GrandPAW of Leo!
Mom: OMG
Sister: Ha!
I was asked to help chauffeur a carload of youth around town for a Christmas caroling activity last night. One of the names on the list was Jack, who lost his wife earlier this year. Jack is in his early 90's, stands about 5'2, and is quite possibly the king of all dad jokes.
So, the group of about 25 kids and 5 adults sneak up to his doorstep and begin singing a few short Christmas carols. Eventually, he opens the door and is thrilled to have visitors.
After we are finished singing and the kids are all running back to the vehicles to get out of the 15 degree weather, jack steps out of his doorway and on to his porch. He is wearing a light t-shirt and pajama pants... he was setting us up, and we took the bait, hook, line, and sinker.
Woman: Are you freezing?
Jack: No, I'm not freezing, I'm Jack (pause for laughter)
Jack: but if you hang on for just a minute, I can get freezing for you.
and then he just stood there smiling at us. It was precious. Come to find out, Jack is entering a retirement home in a few days because he is getting to the point that it is hard to take care of himself anymore.
Oh boy, those nurses are in for a treat once Jack gets settled in.
My brother drives for St John's ambulance service and had just dropped a patient in hospital when he came out with this corker..
Nurse: So what's the patients name?
Brother: Ron
Nurse: That's the second Ron we've had in today
Brother: Well you know what they say, 2 Rons don't make a right
So I donated blood recently, and one of the Doctors(?) Nurses(?) for the Red-Cross named Tommy was a jokester. So I start donating and he is cracking all these jokes and at one point he gets to talking about his childhood. Tommy says, "When I was a kid I had a step-ladder." I asked him what was special about it afterwards and he said, "well I never met my real ladder, but this one did the job decently enough..."
Que groans from everyone at the donation center.
So I work in a hospital, doing tilt table tests (for people that faint). The test sucks for the patients, because it's uncomfortable and makes people feel anxious.
Anyway, my patient earlier was an awesome young lady, who happens to have cerebral palsy, so her legs are different lengths, and her arms draw up and are very rigid. She had the best attitude, and was very charming.
So, while she's standing upright, strapped to the table, she was getting pretty anxious, and uncomfortable, since she keeps sliding to one side since one leg leg is longer than the other...
I thought I'd lighten the mood, so I said: "Well, I guess your mom should have named you Ilene huh"?
The nurse looked at me like I was a COMPLETE asshole... But the patient, she laughed her ass off! It was great. After that point she was a lot less tense, and we were able to finish up.
And no, I wasn't being mean when I said it, because I knew she could take the joke. :D
