Not Yet A Woman Puns

The owner took them around the ground floor and everything looked perfect, even more so for the low price. The couple were suspicious that they saw no sign of anything supernatural, yet. The owner was pleasant and a little excited when showing them the house, until they got to the stairs. The woman stopped and looked incredibly uncomfortable as she stalled for time. Growing impatient, the couple asked her:

"What's upstairs?"

"Not much, what's up with you?" replied the stairs.

A police officer radioed to headquarters: "Chief we've got a situation here. A woman just shot her husband for walking on a freshly mopped floor."

Chief: "Did you arrest her?"

Officer: "Not yet. The floor's still wet."

I was talking with my mother about a crazy woman she worked for while she was an undergrad, and we got on the subject of how a lot of people in the academic world have strange personalities. She said something about how academia is different than other parts of life when I paused for a second and said "Well, mom, there are a lot of nuts in macadamia."

^(I know it doesn't make sense if you think about it, just turn off your brains for a minute please.)

Not a dad yet, but I aspire to walk among the best.

^^^EDIT: ^^^Formatting.

I just started an internship at a newspaper in May and I haven't met many people, yet. The other day this woman talked to me and at the end of it she says, "My name is Joanne, by the way." And without hesitation, I reply, "That's an interesting last name." Needless to say, she didn't understand and I just looked completely stupid. I will not make friends fast here.

Picture this.

A fancy Christmas dinner party at his new wife's opulent, sandstone estate house. Plates are being cleared from the lengthy, mahogony table that seats the fourteen well-to-do guests, the main course having just finished. All have feasted gloriously on our Christmas fare.

My Dad, playing the good host, picks up two bottles of wine, one white and one red, and proceeds to do a round of the table, chatting amiably with everyone as he circles. Those whose glasses are less than 90% full, he proceeds to top-up. I am sitting in the very centre of the long table, seated directly opposite a very well off lady in her early sixties, by the name of Margaret. My dad, having just topped off my glass, is now standing directly behind me.

This older woman, full of grace and charm, looks to my Dad and says, "Thank you so much for this glorious meal, John. It's been simply divine."

My Dad, "Not at all, Margaret, not at all. Could I charge your glass?"

Margaret, "Oh, no no, thank you. I've got the bottle in front of me!"

My Dad, quick of wit, and with a sneaky - yet charming - grin on his face, responds, "Ah, well, better that than a frontal lobotomy!"

I've never been more proud of him.

I'm not a Dad yet but I figure I should practice every chance I get...

I was teaching a woman (named Sarah) how to play guitar and she remarked that she was serenading me, to which I corrected her, "You're SARAHnading me..."

Eyes were rolled.

Me: "You are the woman of my dreams, always have been, always will be"

Her: "Aww, I'm glad."

Me "Hi Glad, I'm dad" ... "Well, not yet, but I figure I'd better practice"

Sitting around the dinner table on new years, and the subject of my parents not yet having Grandkids comes up. I'm single, but make enough to support a family, so my mother jokingly suggests a surrogate mother.

Me: I'm not paying for that! That's like $30,000!
My Dad: Then just find yourself a nice woman. She'll cost you WAY more than $30,000.

I ain't even mad. Best joke he's told all year!