Coworker: Sorry Iโ€™m late. Nobody told me about this meeting.

Me: Communication problems in the department? Itโ€™s the first Iโ€™m hearing about it.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/llcoolshay
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic. He warned everyone that it would sink but nobody would listen.

He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mac2sallad
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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Nobody believed me when I told them I could chop down a tree just by looking at it, but I saw it with my own eyes.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Smoopy_Poops
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 20 2018
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Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mosvicious
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
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A man was trotting across the Prairie when is horse suddenly died...

It took him three days to make it to the closest town. To his dismay, nobody in that town had a horse for sale. So he started walking to the next town. After three days the man, exhausted, started asking around and looking for a horse for sale.Again, nobody could help him.He did,however,stumbled upon a place that sold horses but the man in charge was fresh out.

"Sold my last one just yesterday,"he said."I do, however, have a brother that sells horses. He's about a day's walk west.He owns a corral. He might have a horse to sell you."

So, once again, he sets foot West to the next town and finds the mans brother.

"I heard you might have a horse for sale, he asks."

"Well, I have one, but he don't look so good."he replies.

"I don't care. I've been walking for darn near a week and I'm tired and exhausted. I'll take him."

So after the man pays for the horse, he hops on him takes off and the horse hits a tree and stops.

"Hey,"the man says." I think you sold me a blind horse.Fact is, I'm sure of it!"

"Sir, I told you he don't look so good."the man fires back.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shdchko
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
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The Comedian

I told my dad that i want to be a comedian, he laughed at me.

5 years later

Well, guess what Dad ?! I'm a comedian, nobody is laughing now.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DMV2
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 05 2019
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My kids will appreciate my humour when they are older.

Son : I told your Tom Jones joke at school today and nobody laughed.

Me : Where did you tell it? Outside in the playground?

Son : Yes

Me : It must be an inside joke then.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CapnFancyPants
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 21 2014
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I pulled this on my chemistry teacher....

She had told a joke in class and nobody laughed, so she said "Wow, you guys have very low energy levels..." I got out of my seat and laid on the ground. She stared at me with a confused look.... So I said "I'm in a grounded state!" She was the only one to laugh...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kjBALLAR
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
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Phone Babies

A few days ago I broke my phone and was out the door to get it fixed. As I was leaving, my dad stopped me and asked where I was going. I told him I was going to get my phone fixed and he responded with, "Well, you better go do that or else you'll have little phone babies, and nobody wants that!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MrFrazzleFace
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 24 2014
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