Absolutely NO smoking in this establishment

No ifs, ands, or Butts.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jake2rich
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
No smoking zone
πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bongnazi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
🚨︎ report
The no smoking with a child in the car law is rediculous.

I mean, Look at the poor fella freezing out there.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Today, I asked who left their cold-smoked herrings on the ground at the market but no one answered.

Well, finders kippers.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wilackan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
The janitor in my apartment building asked whether I would hang out with her and smoke pot. I said no.

I can’t deal with a high maintenance woman.

πŸ‘︎ 166
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
So I picked up a pretty bad smoking habit...

My son hates it... he always likes to tell me β€œdad! Stop! Smoking causes cancer”... I’m always disappointed to inform him, β€œNo son. Smoking causes ashes”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JaSuperior
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Build up at least 3/10

3 men were on a boat, having dinner. In between the starter and main dishes they went smoking on the deck. Once arrived on the deck, the one with the cigarettes figured he had 4 cigarettes but no lighter. He threw one cigarette overboard so that the boat became a cigarette lighter

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SpicyForefingers
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DCCXXVIII
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay -- you're already dead.

Guy: Golly!

Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...?

Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you'll never die -- you're already dead.

Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin' place!

Devil: You gay?

Guy: No.

Devil: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DylanTheG999
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife asked if she could have some peace & quiet while she cooked dinner

I said no problem & took the batteries out of the smoke alarms

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NYC_Dweller
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Was working under the sink in the dark, and my wife asked if I needed a light.

I told her no thanks, I don't smoke.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nkillgore
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
🚨︎ report
The Pundits - Part 1

A quaint little men's class,

a few with class,

some smelling of a gin glass,

some with eyes of a lass,

the remainder eyeing a lad,

but all glad,

and all present,

youngster of the present,

bearders of the crescent,

readers new testaments,

preachers of old testaments,

bearers of saffron tenets,

wearers of white tints,

weird lovers of croissant,

well, all here, will all hear?

we never know,

lets look at the show

 

The English teacher, said,

"how to drink a juice?"

i know, said bart the bartender,

"with vodka and chicken tender"

the weirded beardo now angry,

showed he was a shouter,

wanted to be a bart-ender,

while shushing the crowd,

use a pipe, piped up a voice, loud,

"huh" exclaimed preacher pastor,

"no smoking" he said, showing a guilty fluster ,

"no sir" said the voice,

I'm extra maker,

spoke the voice quicker,

Mr.White scratching head,

"I'm an ex-straw maker",

the air cleared.

 

Proceeding further, Teacher continued,

the class was listening, eyes glued,

"etiquette is important" he said,

"wear napkin before eating",

their faces changed,

pulse now beating,

Mr.White said, "sir, we don't bleed",

an irritated saffron Sundar spoke,

"if you bleed, education you don't need"

the English sir, now a sundered bloke,

calmed the masked fish market,

as his God's fate chisel hammered,

"Do you know how to fork?" he stammered,

a brief silence, and too many whispers later

"I Pen is use sir", said a bright face,

"Do you know how to use a fork?" he corrected,

with damage now done, Silence resumed.

 

>ThePundits

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/themadraspaiyan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2018
🚨︎ report
The other day, for some reason unknown to me, I was pulled over by a local police vehicle. I rolled down my window and placed both hands on the steering wheel and waited. I noticed that the officer approaching the car was a woman...

When she got to the window I asked, "What's the problem officer?"

Her face darkened with anger and she replied, "You don't know?"

I answered, that I didn't.

She asked again, "You honestly don't know?"

I replied, "No ma'am, I have no idea."

Then she angrily replied, "Well, if you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you."

With that she turned and stomped angrily back to her car, got in, slammed the door and smoked the tires as she sped away...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
A man walks into the doctor's office and says "Doc, I want to live to be 90"

Doctor: "Do you drink alcohol?"

Man: "No"

Doctor: "Smoke marijuana?"

Man: "No"

Doctor: "Do any other drugs or partying?"

Man: "No"

Doctor: "Fool around with a lot of loose women?"

Man: "No"

Doctor: "...what to you want to live to 90 for?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FemmClandango
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
🚨︎ report
A man obsessed with tractors

A 22 year-old man was obsessed with tractors, so much so that he had no social life outside of his fascination with farm machinery. His mother eventually intervened, forcing him to throw away all of his tractor merchandise and ordered him to find himself a girlfriend.

The man went to a bar that night in search of a partner and encountered a beautiful blonde. After exchanging pleasantries, the two moved outside in order to have a proper conversation away from the music. As they ventured into the smoking area, the woman complained that she hated the cigarette fumes which had engulfed them. Without flinching, the man took a huge, deep breath and inhaled all of the second-hand smoke in the vicinity.

Staring on in amazement, the woman asks how he could possibly have removed the smoke from the room.

The man turns back to her and replies: "I'm an ex tractor fan"

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pablord13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2015
🚨︎ report
[Long] a brush with death

Credit to u/echonight . This is a cross post from r/askreddit

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.

About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.

The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.

The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins".

"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.

"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now."

The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life."

The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"

The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."

The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"

The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minute of brushing each, then we decide."

"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper gr

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spartan-44
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
🚨︎ report
There are three classes of cheerios

There are three classes of cheerios, the lower class (plain ol' cheerios), the middle class cheerios (frosted), and the elite class (honey nut). One soggy morning in Seattle, a plain cheerio awoke in his single room apartment. He looked out at the still sleepy city, blanketed in a mist of rain. He quickly got dressed and put his shoes on, this would be the day. He stood propped against the bus stop, smoking a cigarette. "God I have got to stop this habit." He thought to himself. Glancing back and forth at the bustle of cheerios, he saw her. She looked about 25, devastatingly gorgeous, and he could smell the honey from where he stood. "Excuse me ma'am," his voice quivered, "I - I think you might be the most beautiful cheerio I have ever seen." She smiled and her otherwise golden brown face grew red. " This is a long shot, but will you marry me?' She was obviously caught off guard by this, but her red lips formed the word, "Yes." They raced through the morning mist of the city, and arrived at her fathers house. The cheerio bent down in front of her father. "Sir, I would like to ask for your blessing in marrying your daughter" "No! You are a regular cheerio and my daughter needs a high quality honey nut" he snapped. "But sir." "No means no damnit!" "Sir this is very unrea-" "You come back a honey nut and you'll have my blessing, my daughter is not about to marry a low life like you." The cheerio sprinted home, tears streaming down his face. He fumbled against the lock and sprawled out on his bed. When he awoke it was early, his sheets had a dark silhouette from his wet jacket. He sat up and lit a cigarette. "Damn." he sighed to himself. Walking in front of his mirror, he noticed something different. His body was frosted! He had become a frosted cheerio! He darted out the door without shoes, reaching the honey nut household in no time at all. He banged on the door, and the beauty's father answered. "Sir I am a changed cheerio! I'm frosted!" he exclaimed. Her father had a stern look on his face. "You think you are any better? The dirt on my boots are worth more than you." he hissed. The old honey nut slammed the door on the young frosted. He heard the deadbolt click. The newly frosted cheerio didn't take the same way home. He stood on the edge of a bridge, feeling the cool autumn wind on his sugar coated skin. Was he really going to go through with this? Was it worth it? No he was a frosted cheerio now. He couldn't get the girl, but he was a changed cheerio. He

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/R1pply
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
🚨︎ report
Why do I only wear tuxedos?

Because the places I go to says 'no smoking'.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/elmaninho
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2017
🚨︎ report
Vulgar Dad/Uncle Joke

This was told to me by my father's older brother but thought it belongs here.

I repeated this as a 7 year old during Christmas dinner to everyone.

A penguin was driving along in the desert when all of the sudden his engine begin smoking. Luckily there was a mechanic shop near by so he dropped his car off. The mechanic said it will be an hour or two. The penguin decides to wonder around the small town and sees a grocery store. To beat the heat he heads to the frozen section and hops in the ice cream cooler. He sees a tub of his favorite vanilla ice cream so he opens it up and digs in. Two hours go by and he hops out of the cooler and heads back to the shop to pick up his car. The mechanic say "You blew a seal." The penguin wipes his mouth and say "Oh no it's vanilla ice cream."

πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Swimfan09
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
🚨︎ report
Childless uncle jokes

Uncle observes "no smoking" sign.

He's a smoker.

Pulls out two cigarettes.

I remind him he can't smoke.

Puts a cigarette in each nostril, turns to me and says;

"nose smoking"

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/horrible_jokes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2013
🚨︎ report
My friends have always called me "dad" because it rhymes with my name. I'm just trying to live up to it.

Co-worker had just returned from buying me a pack of smokes and hands me the change, which I tell him he can keep. Coworker: WOW! A whole six cents! Now I can feed my family.... /s Me: No, now you can see dead people... Queue eye rolling and stares from customers.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SadBlueChin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2015
🚨︎ report
Wife set me up for a perfect combo last night.

In conversation with friends she said.

"My grandpa died of lung cancer and he didn't smoke a day in his life."

"Of course not, he smoked cigarettes."

Eye roll "no, he worked in the mines."

"That's why they don't sell cigarettes to miners."

Groan "you see what I have to put up with."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FetusChrist
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2015
🚨︎ report
The Perfect Son. nnew joke of the day

The Perfect Son. A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sachinunchwal
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2016
🚨︎ report
Unintentionally Dadjoked my sister

I was driving my sister home earlier today and there was this guy on the highway driving an off road jeep and smoking a cigar. She went to take a picture.

Her: I almost got it, but he turned too soon

Me: It was close?

Her: yeah, you can't see that he's smoking

Me: so no cigar?

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kallisti50253
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad got dad-joked.

My dad at the doctor after experiencing a severe electric shock at work.

Doctor: Have you ever smoked?

Dad: No, doctor.

Doctor: I bet you did then.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlwaysBetsubara
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2014
🚨︎ report
Things not to say around Dad....

Anyone: "I'm gonna run to the store, do you want anything?" Dad: "Wouldn't it be faster if you took the car?"

Anyone: "...it was sent U.P.S." Dad: "you mean Oops? (ups)"

Anyone: "....would I!?" Dad: "Harelip!"

Anyone: "is it okay if I smoke?" Dad: "why?, are you on fire?"

Anyone: "I think I've got something in my eye" Dad: "It's your finger"

Anyone: "Did you rotate the tires?" Dad: "Nah, they spin when I'm driving"

Anyone: (anything that even nearly rhymes with "badges", ie, "matches") Dad: "Matches? We don need no stinkeen matches!"

Anyone: "Where are you at?" Dad: "I'm right here. Where are you at?"

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/j0hnk50
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad joked while talking about tattoos.

I was telling my friends and my parents about a tattoo my friend just recently got for his birthday. I was saying how its the symbol for ohms in front of a bunch of smoke.

It was at that point my dad said "And if it had wheels it'd be a mobile ohm!"

No groans, we all busted out in laughter.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tactical_Nick
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2015
🚨︎ report
The more I thought about it, the funnier it got.

Went outside to the patio where my dad was smoking a cigar.

"Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No. I got all of them cut."

ba da bum .. tiss

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simply_existingg
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2013
🚨︎ report
Looking through the top posts.

I have been looking through the top post when I came across one that said "what do you get when you pull a cigarette out of the pack? A cigarette lighter" hahaha right? I tell my friends about it since we all smoke and groans all around. About an hour later and a few beers I ask for a lighter since I had lost mine. My buddy (his name is actually buddy) says "yeah man pull your cig out" so I do. "What do you have?" "An unlit cigarette" I tell him" no a cigarette lighter!" Laughs all around.

Tl;Dr. I got dad joked by a dad after I told him the original dad joke just prior.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dokwilson74
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2015
🚨︎ report
Working seasonal hours at Honey Baked Ham and had this dropped on me

Man: I would like a 10 lb ham and a whole smoked turkey breast please.

Me: Will this be all for you today, sir?

Man: dead serious tone Oh no! This isn't all for me. My family will be eating it too.

Took me a second to realize that I had been slapped with a dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trogadorable22
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2013
🚨︎ report
Telling my aunt about bacon I made and had with friends

Her: "Did you guys smoke it?"

My Dad (who was in the room): "No, they ate it."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheeseable
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2014
🚨︎ report
Bushman.

my dad sits down next to me and my buddy while we were watching some television right? he says to us, "you know why they call me the bush man lavaponcho?" i replied, "no dad (having heard this jokes millions of times) why do they call you bush man?".... he replies," i drink Busch, i eat Bush and i smoke Bush." end of story...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LavaPoncho
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2015
🚨︎ report
Visited the eye doctor today.

Doc: Do you smoke?

Me: No, should I start?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/keyma5ter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad knows Star Wars

A long time ago Dad takes my 10 year old self to a Star Wars exhibition. There's signs out the front saying no photos, no food etc. When he sees the one about no smoking, he points it out and says: "We'll I guess you can't chewbacca either!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CBarnacle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2013
🚨︎ report
Sitting at our dinner table when....

Brother: The hood isn't collecting the smoke very well.

Dad: What?

Brother: Smoke.

Dad: No thanks. I quit a while ago.

Badum ts.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ANDTHEMETSWIN
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2013
🚨︎ report
Q: What's the past tense of "break"?

A: Broke

Q: What do people do with cigars and cigarettes?

A: Smoke

Q: What do you call a funny story that's supposed to make someone laugh?

A: Joke

Q: What's the most popular brand of cola in the world?

A: Coke

Q: What do you call the white of an egg?

A: Yolk.

No, it's the albumen.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eldormilon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
🚨︎ report
He wasn't alright

The security guard where I worked was a retired Army sergeant who was always joking with us.

One day I came in from a smoke break and asked what had happened to the guy in the parking lot. I said that he looked like he'd been injured in combat or something - missing his right leg and right arm.

I could hear that everybody had stopped working because they wanted to hear about this guy.

The security guard asked if he was still around, because everybody in the building had to be signed in by him.

With a straight face I replied, "No. He's just left."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/neurohero
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad had clearly spent all day waiting to drop this one..

Dad: you know how Richard (my brother) is going to do a marathon in Kenya soon?

Me: yeah why?

Dad: I'm going to do a half marathon tommorow and ill finish it faster than him.

Me: no you won't, you smoke and you're unfit.

Dad: it'll be okay. I think they're called snickers now though.

Me: urghh.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fidderstix
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2014
🚨︎ report
Worth the read...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KT11616
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
She's beyond repair..

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her. I said, β€œNo. I can’t deal with high maintenance women.”

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tanglimara1969
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
🚨︎ report
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat; we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said, "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Willionnaire
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.