New Tricks Puns

Guess you could call me a Jack of all spades

Now she can fart on my wife's pillow

But you can teach old people dog tricks.

He vanished into thin hair.

"It tastes like shit"

He can hardly contain himself.

She got it to roll over yesterday

It's knot a not.

One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted" Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian!!.. 🤪🤣

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length, right?

Well, if I hold up the tie from the middle, and let go of both sides at the same time, which side will unroll first?

Dad: I have no idea.

Son (drops both ends, which open at the same time):

It's a tie, dad.

... is reliving the same day over and over in "Bourne Again"

... travels to the past to stop a terrorist attack in "Bourne yesterday"

... finally settles down and has a baby in "New Bourne"

... de-evolves into a feral beast who prowls the wilderness in "Bourne to be Wild"

Firstly, I think they really missed a trick naming these films.

Secondly... I know there are more of these...

A friend of mine tricked me into believing he had a new hobby. I thought I found some fishing gear on his desk, but it was just bait.

I guess you can’t teach an old pawg new tricks

Her: You can't teach an old dog new tricks

Me: Good thing you're not a dog

So this was a few years back for me and I best give a bit of background info: I was in the beginning of a new relationship with a girl, in my late teens . We were both at the same bording school, so I had to ask permission from her parents and my parents if she'd be allowed to come visit for weekend and all that. Got all the permissions sorted out, and planned a dinner at a chinese place. My dad and step mum came along for the ride, along with my sister.

Now, my dad has a weakish bladder and went to the toilet upon entering the restaurant. Upon emptying his bladder, he announced to us "There was a penny in the toilet. Now there is Two Pee."

I groaned, my sister rolled her eyes and my step mum nearly killed him. My then girlfriend was just mortified (first time she'd met my dad).

At the end of the meal, my dad went to the toilet again. This time he came out with a 2p coin in a tissue, drying it. My then girlfriend was just looked at me as if to say "you're father is mental how are you sane."

I pointed out to my dad the flaw in his trick, stating he'd said it was a penny, not a 2p coin. I think my step mum hit him shortly after he dropped me off at my mum's...

Years ago, when I had to memorize the countries and capitals of the world for middle school social studies, my dad was helping me study. He tried to come up with a jingle, rhyme, or memory trick for all the ones I was having trouble with. His trick for remembering that Doha is the capital of Qatar was "Doha know how to play the Qatar?" (Don't you know how to play the guitar?). It was so hilariously bad that we still laugh about it whenever Qatar comes up in the news.