Neighborhood 1 Puns

He literally can't even

Early days with the kids. five, six? I don't really remember, but it was about the time they were afraid of "Monsters" in the closet, under the bed, always at night. Frustrating!

Anyway, I used to put water in a spray bottle, add just a little of my aftershave (so it smelled like me), and I created a label for "Monster Spray". The label looked damn good, it looked "real" at least to a six year old.

Spray under the bed, around the room, in the closet, wherever. It worked so well that every kid in the neighborhood was borrowing it!

Years later, a young niece was afraid of "Bee's" in her dreams, I guess she had been stung, so I turned my brother on to the secret. We made "Monster and Bee Spray" for her.

To this day, I think the secret was the little bit of aftershave, and that we took it seriously.

You could call it a rough neighborhood

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

The most important Dad at the annual neighborhood end of Summer barbeque bash!

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Dissatisfied with the style of life that he found there, The Monk decides to move into a suburban neighborhood and start up his own line of work. Being trained in the peaceful ways he gets on very well with his neighbours who eventually notice that he has a very strange profession. Despite being very strong and very philosophical The Monk elects to repeatedly visit places with broken fences and remove and replace them.

One day has neighbour approaches him and asks, "with the physical strength and mental capacity that you seem to have, are you not interested in a more physically or mentally challenging job?"

To which The Monk replies, "but everybody knows reposting gives you the most karma."

It's the neighborhood watch.

Chameleon: The humans hate me

Therapist: What makes you say that?

Chameleon: My parents and siblings roam around their houses and kids' bikes, and it's all fine by the humans, but when I visit their neighborhood, they throw objects at me

Therapist: You need to learn to adapt to change

He was reeking haddock on the neighborhood.

Knock knock Who's there? Ice cream soda Ice cream soda who? Ice cream soda whole neighborhood can hear me!

Driving my mother around the kind of shady part of my neighborhood to get to bedbathandbeyond, and she notices all the body shops sprinkled everywhere.

She asks, "why are there so many mechanics out here?"

Then I go, "because when people have car problems, they always check the hood first."

my mom didn't get it :[

Me, to my dad, regarding potential blackouts in the SF Bay Area: Are any blackouts planned for your neighborhood?

My dad, to me: Probably, but we are in the dark about it.

The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.

After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.

One day during an argument, his wife has had it with his coughing and hacking and tells him "Im making a bet, if this damn coughin kills you i'm writing ' I told you so' on your tombstone!"
The man laughs her off since they both have a twisted sense of humor, and tells her its a deal, if the coughin kills him she can carve that.
The man continues on for another week

One day the man is out going for a walk through his neighborhood, when a freak accident occurs between a truck carrying coffins and a car, which results in a coffin flying off the truck, tragically landing on the old man and kills him.

Later at his funeral, his wife makes a very odd request to have them carve "I told you so" on his headstone.

When the caretaker asks her why she wants to do this, she tells him about their dark humor, and fills him in on the bet they recently made.
The caretaker is touched by the story, and agrees to do it for her, because in the end,

It was that damn coffin that killed him

We were driving home and I told my daughter we have a prowler in the neighborhood. She asked how I knew that and I replied that I can see it. She asked where and I pointed to this. https://i.imgur.com/fiqrFrp.jpg . she said “Daaaaaaaaddd!”

There’s some guy running around my neighborhood dunking his testicles in glitter. He’s pretty nuts.

There's this crackhead in my neighborhood who is so skinny, everyone calls him "Ribs." Overall he's pretty harmless, but one day we were sitting in the front yard with our toddler in the playpen and he wanted to make the case that we should hire him to babysit. He picked up my son and started making his pitch. Most people would probably freak out as this point, but I just calmly looked at him and said politely, "I want my baby back, Ribs."

A dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

By the way he does not need to pay for medical insurance.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.......

..

..

..

..

A dog is like a “POLITICIAN”

I called home yesterday for Mother's Day, and both of my parents were on the line at the same time. My mother and I were having a regular boring conversation, and my dad... well... he was keeping himself amused:

Dad: looks out the window Hey, it's a cardinal. pause I didn't know this was a Catholic neighborhood...

So, as the title says, a new dad moved in next door with his young wife and infant son.

All the houses in the neighborhood are fairly modest and perfect for new families and first time homebuyers, so we get a lot of those.

As they were unloading, I decided to do the neighborly thing and quickly introduce myself without getting too much in their way.

While we were chatting, his wife comes out with the LARGEST great dane I’ve ever seen.

The shock on my face must’ve been obvious because he quickly explained, with a bit of an annoyed tone, “Yea, that’s my wife’s dog. I still have my childhood cat, but now this is my biggest pet, Peeve.”

“Come say hello, Peeve!”

What you need to know: We have a grocery store called Dominick's.

Artie and Dominick grew up in the same neighborhood and were best friends. But after highschool, they parted ways.

20 years later, they bump into each other on the street and the friends have a happy reunion. They talk about their lives after they left their old neighborhood. Dominick is a very wealthy lawyer and Artie is a mobster. Artie turns to Dominick and says "If you need anything at all, I'll get it for ya. Just ask."

Dominick :Well there is one thing... Artie: Anything. Dominick: Well I can't stand my wife. Could you get rid of her? Artie: Of course! Dominick: Wait! You're my friend, I gotta pay you for this. Artie: I can't take your money. Dominick: I have to give you something! Artie: Fine, give me a dollar.

So Dominick hands him a dollar and tells Artie when he'll be at work. The next day, Artie slips into the house and strangles the wife but as soon as her body hits the ground, the maid walks in. So Artie strangles her too, but as soon as her body hits the ground, the butler walks in. Artie strangles the butler and then the police burst in.

The next day in the papers, the head line reads: "Artie Chokes Three for a Dollar at Dominick's"

The end. My dad was saying the other day he won't be able to tell that joke anymore because Dominick's (the store) is closing where we live.

Just watched a neighborhood cat poop in my garden beside a jalapeño plant.

Now I'm going to grow shitty peppers.

Her dad always tells people, "Our neighborhood is so popular, everyone is just dying to get in!"

Some cities plan to fight mosquitoes by releasing swarms of sterile male mosquitoes, which don't bite, and can reduce future generations of mosquitoes. That's a good idea and I hope it works well.

The governor of Kentucky plans to fight crime by having prayer groups go to high-crime neighborhoods to pray there.

Those two ideas give me an idea for fighting crime even better: Release swarms of praying mantises.

My mom was worried that we had a feral animal of some kind on the loose in the neighborhood. She said to my dad, "How close were they?" My dad's response was, "Well I don't know what kind of relationship they had, honey."

Taught this one to my 3 year old son. He's been entertaining the neighborhood with it.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Ya

Yahoo?

No, Google.

This past weekend my brother, parents and myself were at a large multi-neighborhood yard sale.

We walked past a sign that read "Porch sale. Come on up"

After reading this my dad said...

"Porch sale? No thanks we already got one!"

I'm making enchiladas for my work tomorrow but I forgot to buy baby jack cheese for my cheese enchiladas. I've been calling stores to ask them ahead if they have any, but no store in my neighborhood has it.

I told my dad about my frustrations as I was calling Food 4 Less, and my dad said, "Hey if they don't have it, tell them - tell 'em, 'Well you guys don't have JACK!'"

I then put my hands on my face began groaning as he closed out with, "I perform every Monday through Thursday!"

so that we can be considered an upscale neighborhood.

Driving into our neighborhood, windows open, start smelling skunk.

Me: Ugh, why is there skunk smell so far into the city?

Her: Maybe someone was keeping one as a pet, and it... Backfired!

Me: proud groan

We're driving through our neighborhood and a guy pulls out quick and wife says "watch out for the guy pulling out." My 4 year old is at the ask everything stage and says "what's pulling out?" Me "well son, if I did that a little sooner you wouldn't be here" My wife wasn't impressed but it gets better.

So someone in the family recently had a baby and were talking about it and son says "why don't daddies have babies?" We explain and he asks where babies come from. I chime in as I am getting out of the car "well, now we come back to pulling out". He was so confused, wife was pissed but I had a good laugh. I think I'll keep it g rated next time.

My SO was telling me about this tree in her neighbor's yard that has little birds fall out of it every year and that they're not able to fend for their selves. The conversation then follows

Me: Must be hard for the birds being in a bad school district.

Her: What do you mean?

Me: The neighborhood has a terrible dropout rate.

She: rolls eyes

I got into a fender bender in our neighborhood this morning. Everyone is ok, but it hit a little close to home.

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

When I was about 5 years old, my dad told the greatest dad joke. He’d be driving the family through our neighborhood and would say “Look! A man wearing a dress!” My siblings and I would look around and laugh with my dad. We loved when he would say this (it was like an absurd scavenger hunt) but my mother absolutely hated it. “Where? What are you talking about Tom?!” She actually got angry since she couldn’t see the man wearing a dress either. Since he would do this on a semi-regular basis to make us laugh, it became a problem with my mom and she ended up getting so angry as to forbid him saying it ever again.

I never really understood what was going on since I was so young, but I really missed the man wearing a dress joke. At one point, I thought the joke referenced a nearby business with a kilted man for a mascot. A few years ago, I asked my dad what the joke was.

“Oh! It wasn’t the sign,” he told me. “We had a family in the neighborhood with the last name ‘Manwaring’. When we would drive by their house, I’d point at their mailbox and say ‘Look, a Manwaring address!’”

I was too young to read at the time so it took 20 years to be in on his brilliant pun.

Then he peddles them around the neighborhood.

Now it’s the neighborhood watch.

They consulted the neighborhood watch.

A neighborhood .

A neighborhood.

So I was getting a ride home from a friend, and as she was driving through my neighborhood she realized that every single turn was a left turn (I'd actually never noticed it before). Then I snuck in a dad joke. The conversation went something like this:

Her: "Wow, there's a lot of left turns

Me: "Don't worry, when you leave, everything will turn out alright."

...and she actually laughed