The guy next door with an American muscle car offered to give my wife a lift...

...I told him: thou shalt not corvette your neighbours wife

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sakri
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2021
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My wife told me to go next door to our Caribbean neighbors and pick up some fruit

I told her I was successful; man come, and mango...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bryanzs
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 03 2021
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My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard.

Personally, Iโ€™m on the fence.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
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A dad joke I encountered in the field:

Me: Hey Bill (my new next door neighbor), I should have you and your wife over for dinner sometime!

Bill: Sounds good! Weโ€™ll just have to time it so the traffic isnโ€™t bad!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/4183937645294
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 10 2022
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This is a little long so get ready

So this dad likes to listen to his daughter's prayers every time she does them. One night when he is standing by her door, he overhears her say "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The dad is thinking "Ok that was pretty weird, but whatever."

The next morning, he learns that the grandpa DIED. He remembers what his daughter said last night and thinks "Ok umm this could all just be a coincidence" and he thinks nothing of it.

A month later and the daughter is doing the prayers again. "God bless mom, God bless dad, and goodbye grandma."

Once again, the dad learns the next morning, that the grandma has died from a heart attack. Now he's a little freaked out and thinks "This definitely cannot be a coincidence now, but it still could be, so whatever."

A few weeks later, he hears from his daughter's room, again, "God bless mom, and goodbye dad." Now he is totally freaking out because he thinks he's gonna die today. He spends all day being really cautious so he, you know, doesn't die. At 12:00am, he thinks "Yes! I made it! I didn't die!"

Once he gets home from work, he goes over and he tells his wife, "Honey, I've had a really bad day today and-"

The wife cuts in and says, "Yea me too! The mailman died on our porch!"

~this is my first post so โ•ฎ(โ”€โ–ฝโ”€)โ•ญ ~

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/theresnogoodname
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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Waiting in line at Disneyland

A few years back the wife and I were waiting in line for a ride at Disneyland, and we were stopped next to a cast member door. One cast member was leaving for their break and asked if they could cross, and we kindly backed up a little for her. As she opened the door another cast member was coming out, who also crossed in front of us. I immediately turned to my wife and exclaimed "We've been double crossed!"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/scaryuncledevin
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 13 2016
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Long one...

DEAR NEIGHBOUR: Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text, & I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is that, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you.
I haven't been getting it at home recently, & I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology & forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage, & I'll pay you. Regards, Richard

NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE: Fred, feeling very angry & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard, killing him. He went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa and calmed down. Fred then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.

2ND TEXT MESSAGE: Hi, Fred.
Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out & noticed that the darned Auto-Correct had changed "wi-fi" to "wife".
Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/doogsie125
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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My son had a dream last night.

He dreamed that his teacher died in a car crash and came to us in a panic worried and telling us to warn her. My wife and I told him that it was just a dream and to go back to bed. The next day he came home crying because his teacher never made it to work and died in a car crash. We were worried but explained to him it must have been a coincidence.

A few weeks later he rushed into our room again crying saying he saw daddy die in a dream but didnt remember how. My wife calmed him down but now I was seriously worried. The next day I went to work in a constant panic. The drive there, all day throughout work scared if something would happen. All day nothing.

I finally got home and came to the door to see my wife. I told her I had the worst day of my life. She turned to me and said,"you think you had an awful day? This morning after you left for work the mailman died on our doorstep!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MaezRunner097
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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A new dad moved in next door...

So, as the title says, a new dad moved in next door with his young wife and infant son.

All the houses in the neighborhood are fairly modest and perfect for new families and first time homebuyers, so we get a lot of those.

As they were unloading, I decided to do the neighborly thing and quickly introduce myself without getting too much in their way.

While we were chatting, his wife comes out with the LARGEST great dane Iโ€™ve ever seen.

The shock on my face mustโ€™ve been obvious because he quickly explained, with a bit of an annoyed tone, โ€œYea, thatโ€™s my wifeโ€™s dog. I still have my childhood cat, but now this is my biggest pet, Peeve.โ€

โ€œCome say hello, Peeve!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/racas
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
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Puns of Varying Quality on the Subject of Linguistics (created in a fit of procrastinative inspiration) some of which I thought someone, someday might appreciate.

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics โ€“ the only department of linguistics where itโ€™s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kieuk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 28 2011
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Wife had me stop for potatoes (Long-Ish?)

Wife called me while i was driving home from work and asked me to stop at Kroger and get potatoes, as she forgot them for dinner. Also told me I might as well get beer (yay).

So i walk in the grocery store and check out the beer situation. Nothing on sale, eh. So i decide to buy the potatoes and walk to the liquor store next door as they stores share a parking lot and I'm not driving 200 feet.

I go to the liquor store, grab my juice and head to the counter. "Anything else?" The clerk says. Raising the beer and potatoes I respond, "I'll take the beer but i don't think this vodka is ready yet!"

He didn't find it funny but I was thinking of you guys the whole time!!!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Flattishsassy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 03 2017
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Got My Wife With This Tonight

We live next door to a Nepalese family who has two young sons, named Gorgon and Aktosh. We were discussing their screaming/tantrum habits and my wife asked me which one is older.

I replied, "the cheesy one."

<blank stare>

"Gorgon's older."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Zelinn
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 22 2015
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My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathers topless in her backyard.

Personally, I'm on the fence.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 478
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/doogsie125
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 14 2018
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My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathes topless in the garden.

Personally,Iโ€™m on the fence.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/justbeatitTTD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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My wife was complaining about how our next door neighbor's wife started sunbathing nude in their backyard.

Personally, I'm on the fence.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 94
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ThePrinceOfGoldHair
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally, Iโ€™m on the fence

๐Ÿ‘︎ 92
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/The_Nightman_82
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard

Personally, I'm on the fence

๐Ÿ‘︎ 134
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GamingGod07770
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 24 2019
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My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard.

Personally, Iโ€™m on the fence.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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