My buddy Earl has never been late to work, school, or any appointment. Want to know his secret?
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︎ Jan 31 2021
I just found out that my friend lives a secret life as a priest.
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︎ Dec 27 2020
I told my friend a secret about the grocery store.
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︎ Dec 19 2020
As a secret agent, my kids never know what I got them for Christmas..
I always keep the presents under wraps.
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︎ Nov 12 2020
My friend asked about my secret of making the juiciest steak
He isnβt pleased saying itβs too dry.....
I just told him βit needs more thyme in the panβ
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︎ Dec 01 2020
I asked my dad if he had any secret talents.
He replied, βIf I did, how the hell would I know about them?β
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︎ Oct 07 2020
My secret dad power is invisibility
Unfortunately, it only works at parties.
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︎ Aug 27 2020
I got really good writing stock characters. My secret?
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︎ Aug 11 2020
When I was renovating my house, I found a secret stash hidden in the walls.
Someone drew a mustache on the wall behind the wall paper.
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︎ Jun 12 2020
I say my secret superpower is detecting Indian flatbread in any given room.
My friends all say it's naan-sense.
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︎ Sep 22 2019
Iβd be happy to tell you about my secret Indian Restaurant...
...right after you sign this naan disclosure agreement
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︎ Feb 07 2020
Before he died my grandad used to keep a secret cash stash in the toilet cistern.
In the end he was just throwing money down the drain.
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︎ May 01 2020
My friend Victoria told me she found secret buried treasure.
But she wouldn't tell me under where.
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︎ Jan 31 2020
After years of holding out on me, my friend finally told me the secret ingredient in his cooking.
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︎ Jun 23 2019
Thinking of starting my own secret society that is really hard to become initiated into
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︎ Nov 25 2019
My artistic friend paints the most realistic fish, and I asked him what his secret was.
He said, βIt must be drawn to scale.β
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︎ Sep 28 2018
My son asked me the secret on staying down-to-earth
"Well, I mean, gravity"
Edit: Credits to Keanu Reeves, the father of action movies ;)
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︎ May 22 2019
I didn't mean to tell all my friends Bush's secret family recipe!
I got drunk and spilled the beans.
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︎ Oct 27 2019
My pops always said he would go to his grave with his famous BBQ chicken recipe. On his death bead, he had me lean in to tell me the secret ingredient.
Thatβs when I knew it was Thyme.
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︎ May 01 2019
It was no Secret when I went and got my girlfriend the wrong deodorant. She acquiesced reluctantly anyway...
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︎ Nov 23 2019
What happens when my Mexican friend tells me secrets?
Well, even though they tend to be very saucy and I really want to share them with you, they're simply nacho business.
(Also, please forgive me for being so cheesy, corny, and guac at the same time.)
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︎ Oct 17 2019
My secret weapon
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︎ Oct 11 2018
My family said I'd never amount to anything, but then I discovered the secret to invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
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︎ Jun 25 2019
I walked in on my dad washing his secret dime collection today.
He said that he was money laundering.
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︎ Jun 24 2019
So I just got my wife with this one... She asked to go to Victoria's Secret to buy some new underwear... She complained that her favorite pairs had holes in them...
I said "of course they have holes in them, how else are you supposed to get your legs through?"
I could feel the eye roll from across the room
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︎ Dec 01 2018
I whispered to my kids, "Have you all heard about the top secret bakery?"
They all looked at me blankly, so I replied, "I didnβt think so, itβs on a knead to dough basis."
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︎ Nov 06 2017
My mom refused to tell me her secret chili recipe until she was 85 years old.
Then she spilled the beans.
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︎ Mar 02 2019
Telling a ghost my secrets was the worst mistake I ever made
Not only was he really bad at keeping secrets, but you could see right through him.
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︎ Apr 09 2019
My friend wondered why only the secret service visited his business and no customers...
I suggested maybe his business name should be "Kitchen Surface Installers" instead of "Counter-Fitters"
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︎ Mar 12 2019
My snake wanted to tell me a secret
He said βpsssssssssssssstβ
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︎ Mar 27 2019
My deep secret is that I'm a were-eel.
Most people don't understand what that means at first. But as my kids say:
"When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, dad's a moray."
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︎ Mar 15 2017
We decided to keep it a secret that we were naming our daughter Grace, so no one but my wife me heard me say, "Hail Cheri, full of Grace"
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︎ Jan 03 2019
Went to Victoria Secret with my wife over the weekend.
She walked away when I asked the sales assistant what the download speed was on the wireless bras.
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︎ Jun 28 2016
My favorite Indian restaurant keeps their bread recipe a secret...
All the employees must sign a naan-disclosure agreement.
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︎ Aug 29 2017
I asked my dad what the secret is to being so funny...
My dad made some dad humour joke and the waitress "laughed"
So I asked my dad "How do you do it? make a lame but funny joke no matter the situation and it just come to you!"
He replied "The secret is you have to just look for humour everywhere" and proceeded to lift things on our table (plates, shakers, etc.)
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︎ Jan 17 2014
I knew my wife was hiding secrets from me but this is ridiculous...
imgur.com/228cwrW
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︎ Apr 20 2014
My mate told me about his secret spot to catch the most amazing fish.
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︎ Jan 22 2017
My little secret.
http://www.imgur.com/6ZROo4D.jpeg
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︎ May 31 2014
I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.
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︎ Feb 08 2020
I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest
π︎ 7k
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︎ Jan 09 2018
I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.
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︎ Feb 20 2019
I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest.
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︎ Feb 26 2020
I just found my friend has a secret life as a priest.
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︎ Aug 13 2018
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