A list of puns related to "My Name Is Human"
A frog goes into a bank to get a loan, he goes up to the teller, who's name was Patty and said,
"Hi, I'd like to get a loan out for a new lillypad.
Patty thought the situation was weird but complied with the frog's request anyway. She started off by asking the frog's name.
"What is your name?"
"My name is Kermit," the frog replied, "Kermit Jagger"
Patty was confused, "Why is your last name Jagger?"
"Well you see my father is Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones."
Patty, was still confused, "That's a weird last name for a frog."
Kermit, being somwhat offended, asked her in response,
"Well what is your last name if you don't mind me asking?"
"My last name is Whack." She responded
"Well that's a weird last name for a human." Kermit said.
So they move on and Patty gets more of Kermit's details and when she was finished, she asked him if he had any collateral.
Kermit pulled out a little porculan figurine of a pink elephant, Patty looks at the figurine and tells the frog she needs to show it to her supervisor. She goes to her supervisor and tells him, "Here's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to take out a loan for a lillypad, he's using this as collateral."
Her supervisor looks at the elephant figurine, and he tell her,
"That's a knick knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itās a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itās tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donāt think itās feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereās a new type of broom out, itās sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canāt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itās pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnāt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnāt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ā”All right reddit, I have to get this off my chest. Iām absolutely SICK of this pandemic. Everywhere I go, Iām constantly being PESTERED to wipe down surfaces and sanitize my hands. Itās a complete infestation of my personal space!
Letās face it, our ailing democratic rights have taken a huge hit. And this is a symptom of a larger problem. Namely, our ruling class seems totally impaired! We are being totally ill-informed by people who claim they know everything about this disease.
For example, this whole situation has been plagued with problems since the beginning! Itās a scourge on whatās left of humanity.
So I say, itās time to break out of the shackles and seize our lives back! We need to combat this virus that flew around the world with everything weāve got. Because this lock down is bugging the hell out of me! This is a cold call to do your part. The health of our society depends on it!
Happy quarantine, everyone!
Backstory: I play in a small band that does a "tour" of southern Wisconsin every year. The bands name is the Petty Thieves. This is my first year with them, but every year they come up with a tour name and make nice t-shirts and material with the tour name on them. Last two tour names were "Sticky Fingers" and "Busted!" We are looking for something related to the band name. Something clever and crime related. If it has mild sexual innuendo, all the better, but not overtly obscene. Some tour names we came up with are: Five Finger Discount, Backdoor Tour, Snatching Kisses, Kissing Snatches, Robbing the Cradle, Something something Miss Demeanors, Spread 'em, Felonious Funk, Unlawful Entry, Rhymes against Humanity, etc...
If you have anything punny, please throw it out there. Top 3 upvoted names get reddit gold. If we use your tour name, I'l send you the tshirt. Thanks kind sirs!
How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Whereās the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history ā with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
If it werenāt for C, weād all be programming in BASI and OBOL.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who donāt.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.
An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks āmay I join you?ā
Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraftā¦ and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Itās a hardware problem.
I named my hard drive ādat assā so once a month my computer asks if I want to āback dat ass upā.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as sheās been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I changed my password to āincorrectā. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say āYour password is incorrectā.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Itās ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didnāt know who he was.
I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didnāt have internet.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar
... keep reading on reddit ā”Why didnāt the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Whats green and smells like bacon? Ā Kermit the Frogās finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Ā Kevin Bacon
If you canāt get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? A1: Frankenswine A2: Hamlet Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon. What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
How do they get up there? In pigup trucks. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, youāre bacon my heart melt.
What are they warned to watch out for? Pigpockets.
First Carter Page and now Betsy DeVos. Trumpās cabinet is like a game of six degrees of Kevin Bacon except with Russia.
Everything must be wrapped in bacon, including bacon.
If Kevin Bacon doesnāt whisper āHere comes the Baconatorā before he has sex all my faith in humanity is lost
Iāll acknowledge Canada Day when they finally acknowledge thatās not bacon
If Donald Trump really KNOWS the average WORKER then where are the pics of Trump hungover in 7-Eleven buying bacon in sweat pants?
This guy ordered a vegetarian sandwich and then added bacon. It was like watching someone have a mid-life crisis and then find a cool hobby.
If we donāt build a wall on our northern border, theyāll soon be maple syrup & Canadian bacon trucks on every corner.
I signed an Executive Order to make Saturday morning bacon and eggs and pancakes with triple butter and syrup non-fattening.
My bedroom smells like maple, bacon and beaverā¦because Iām Canadian.
When the waitress calls you Babycakes you know youāre getting extr
... keep reading on reddit ā”A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itās a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itās tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donāt think itās feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereās a new type of broom out, itās sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canāt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itās pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnāt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnāt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ā”What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itās a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itās tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donāt think itās feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereās a new type of broom out, itās sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canāt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itās pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnāt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ā”Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.