While waiting for a school-related live stream, me and my friend decided to throw words at each other and make puns out of them. This is one of my most proudest puns.
A small rodent lives in a apartment next to my computer keyboard.
I visited my retired parents the other day. They said they wanted some change in their lives.
I gave them two quarters, three nickels and a penny.
The folks who live in my town aren’t allowed to be buried in the old cemetery on the edge of town.
Mostly because they’re not dead yet.
My wife is okay with the fact that I still live with my ex-girlfriend.
She doesn't like me calling her that, however.
My daughter got me a “Canada “ sweater for Christmas... I asked why since we live in the USA?
“It’s aspirational “ she said.
Ooooof...
I just found out that my friend lives a secret life as a priest.
My daughter was telling me about 'live streaming' and twitch...
Wow was I relieved to find out she wasn't going into the boys room to use the urinal.
I have recently been made homeless and have to live in my car...
...Now every room is the living vroom
We live in Colorado and took my son outside today to play hide and seek for the first time. I pointed at the Rockies, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Under no circumstances can we allow them to play!" Confused, he ask why, so I explained, "Well, you see...
My son kept chewing on live electrical wires
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like to live in China
He says he can't complain
True story: My girlfriend just asked me if I knew any good jokes about physicists (my profession). I said yes, but they were all about physicists' dating lives.
So they're pretty much all one-liners.
I was watching a live performance when the floor gave way and one of the actors fell through. My wife asked if I thought they were ok.
I said I’m sure they’re fine, it’s just a stage they’re going through.
I’ve decided to tell my kids that I want to live my life as a woman
It’s better to be honest, I just want to be transparent
My daughter tells me that she wants to live in a nice house with her friends when they all have stable jobs.
I said, “Well sweetie, that’s nice, but I just can’t see you and your friends shoveling manure for a living.”
To which she replied, “Oh no? I thought you said that I could be president if I wanted to!”
In my twenties, I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
I live near an atomic shelter and in my encounters with it, it never lied and always kept its word
Now that's what I call structural integrity
It's been a lifelong dream of mine to live in a house with my own clone. But the science has just come out that most people would hate dealing with someone identical to them.
I just don't think I can live with myself after hearing that.
My best friend lives in Prague and is a real chess enthusiast.
I call him my Czech mate.
Wife (we both live in the US): I have to make sure my work phone is on do not disturb mode before bed so I don’t get email notifications from co-workers in our office in Europe.
Me: Sure, because when they send email, they don’t care if you’re up.
My daughter and I were shopping the other day. She found some shoes that she couldn’t live without.
My friend who lives in Detroit had his toilet stolen.
Can’t have shit in Detroit
He took my wheel to live!
My friend Adam was telling me how, in addition to marrying a hot super model whose daddy bought the house he lives in and the car he drives just for marrying his daughter, he was also sexing up a hot stewardess. I found it hard to believe...
Because Adams make up everything!
My son who lives overseas never answers my calls.
I think he can’t hear me.
My girlfriend lives in another city. Last night she texted me saying "I wish you were here; the rains are beautiful".
I replied with "So...you want me to c'monsoon?"
She hasn't replied yet.
Guess she stormed out.
Whenever my dad goes to get gas he says “regular please” and when the gas station attendant (we live in Oregon) asks “fill?” my dad replies
“No, Fred, nice to meet you”
My job lets me take a week off as long as I live at the Sigma Chi house and totally throw down with the bros.
It's paid fraternity leave.
Asked my horses where they wanted to live
They responded with “Beverly hooves”
I live in an apartment building, and my neighbour, Nami, on the floor above me, managed to flood my entire apartment! There are practically tidal waves in my kitchen. She refuses to pay for the cleanup, too.
I don't know if this was the right choice, but I decided to tsunami.
My friend lives in a complex home...
His apartment is pretty nice.
The other day my son asked me where pencils live
My son keeps chewing on the live electric wires...as a parent, I handled it...
I told him he’s grounded.
I heard Netflix is making a live action 'My Hero Acedemia' with Matthew Mcconaughey...
Hes going to star as All Might, All Might, All Might.
I live in a hood and bough my kid a toy gun
I've finally got my list of rules to live by down to 1
Watching bears fish for salmon in Alaska live on YouTube when my GF asks what I'm watching.
The doctor told me that I would have to get my younger cut out if I wanted to live.
I almost couldn't live with myself after the first half of both of my feet were amputated...
My doctor told me I only have 2 months to live due to cancer.
So I killed that doctor and the court gave me a 20 years imprisonment.
I decided to live more dangerously, so I took the rear-view mirror out of my car.
I've made my decision and there is no looking back.
All my exes live in Texas.
Funny enough, so do all my cousins.
I hate people that try to tell me how to live my life.
I knew I shouldn't have hired an editor to look at my autobiography.
After watching Netflix's Super Monsters, my 4-yr old daughter asked me: "Where does Lobo (the werewolf) live?"
Me: I don't know, baby.. the monster house?
Her: No. That's wrong.
Me: A wolf den?
Her: No. You're wrong, daddy. He and his dad lives (sic?) in a werehouse!
Gotta say, I annoyingly fell for that one.
In my twenties, I used to live in a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
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