While waiting for a school-related live stream, me and my friend decided to throw words at each other and make puns out of them. This is one of my most proudest puns.
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︎ Mar 02 2021
A small rodent lives in a apartment next to my computer keyboard.
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︎ Mar 04 2021
I visited my retired parents the other day. They said they wanted some change in their lives.
I gave them two quarters, three nickels and a penny.
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︎ Mar 02 2021
The folks who live in my town arenโt allowed to be buried in the old cemetery on the edge of town.
Mostly because theyโre not dead yet.
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︎ Jan 30 2021
My wife is okay with the fact that I still live with my ex-girlfriend.
She doesn't like me calling her that, however.
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︎ Jan 21 2021
My daughter got me a โCanada โ sweater for Christmas... I asked why since we live in the USA?
โItโs aspirational โ she said.
Ooooof...
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︎ Dec 26 2020
I just found out that my friend lives a secret life as a priest.
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︎ Dec 27 2020
My daughter was telling me about 'live streaming' and twitch...
Wow was I relieved to find out she wasn't going into the boys room to use the urinal.
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︎ Jan 15 2021
I have recently been made homeless and have to live in my car...
...Now every room is the living vroom
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︎ Dec 27 2020
We live in Colorado and took my son outside today to play hide and seek for the first time. I pointed at the Rockies, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Under no circumstances can we allow them to play!" Confused, he ask why, so I explained, "Well, you see...
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︎ Jan 03 2021
My son kept chewing on live electrical wires
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︎ Jun 29 2020
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like to live in China
He says he can't complain
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︎ Aug 21 2020
True story: My girlfriend just asked me if I knew any good jokes about physicists (my profession). I said yes, but they were all about physicists' dating lives.
So they're pretty much all one-liners.
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︎ Nov 20 2020
I was watching a live performance when the floor gave way and one of the actors fell through. My wife asked if I thought they were ok.
I said Iโm sure theyโre fine, itโs just a stage theyโre going through.
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︎ Sep 22 2020
Iโve decided to tell my kids that I want to live my life as a woman
Itโs better to be honest, I just want to be transparent
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︎ Jul 05 2020
My daughter tells me that she wants to live in a nice house with her friends when they all have stable jobs.
I said, โWell sweetie, thatโs nice, but I just canโt see you and your friends shoveling manure for a living.โ
To which she replied, โOh no? I thought you said that I could be president if I wanted to!โ
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︎ Sep 18 2020
In my twenties, I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
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︎ May 24 2019
I live near an atomic shelter and in my encounters with it, it never lied and always kept its word
Now that's what I call structural integrity
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︎ Jun 18 2020
It's been a lifelong dream of mine to live in a house with my own clone. But the science has just come out that most people would hate dealing with someone identical to them.
I just don't think I can live with myself after hearing that.
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︎ Jul 18 2020
My best friend lives in Prague and is a real chess enthusiast.
I call him my Czech mate.
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︎ May 22 2020
Wife (we both live in the US): I have to make sure my work phone is on do not disturb mode before bed so I donโt get email notifications from co-workers in our office in Europe.
Me: Sure, because when they send email, they donโt care if youโre up.
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︎ Jul 30 2020
My daughter and I were shopping the other day. She found some shoes that she couldnโt live without.
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︎ Apr 05 2020
My friend who lives in Detroit had his toilet stolen.
Canโt have shit in Detroit
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︎ Mar 30 2020
He took my wheel to live!
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︎ Mar 02 2019
My friend Adam was telling me how, in addition to marrying a hot super model whose daddy bought the house he lives in and the car he drives just for marrying his daughter, he was also sexing up a hot stewardess. I found it hard to believe...
Because Adams make up everything!
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︎ Nov 20 2019
My son who lives overseas never answers my calls.
I think he canโt hear me.
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︎ Jan 04 2020
My girlfriend lives in another city. Last night she texted me saying "I wish you were here; the rains are beautiful".
I replied with "So...you want me to c'monsoon?"
She hasn't replied yet.
Guess she stormed out.
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︎ Jul 09 2016
Whenever my dad goes to get gas he says โregular pleaseโ and when the gas station attendant (we live in Oregon) asks โfill?โ my dad replies
โNo, Fred, nice to meet youโ
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︎ Jul 30 2019
My job lets me take a week off as long as I live at the Sigma Chi house and totally throw down with the bros.
It's paid fraternity leave.
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︎ Dec 21 2019
Asked my horses where they wanted to live
They responded with โBeverly hoovesโ
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︎ Nov 09 2019
I live in an apartment building, and my neighbour, Nami, on the floor above me, managed to flood my entire apartment! There are practically tidal waves in my kitchen. She refuses to pay for the cleanup, too.
I don't know if this was the right choice, but I decided to tsunami.
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︎ Oct 29 2019
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︎ Feb 01 2017
My friend lives in a complex home...
His apartment is pretty nice.
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︎ Nov 21 2019
The other day my son asked me where pencils live
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︎ Sep 12 2019
My son keeps chewing on the live electric wires...as a parent, I handled it...
I told him heโs grounded.
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︎ Jan 26 2018
I heard Netflix is making a live action 'My Hero Acedemia' with Matthew Mcconaughey...
Hes going to star as All Might, All Might, All Might.
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︎ Oct 19 2019
I live in a hood and bough my kid a toy gun
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︎ Aug 31 2019
I've finally got my list of rules to live by down to 1
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︎ May 07 2019
Watching bears fish for salmon in Alaska live on YouTube when my GF asks what I'm watching.
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︎ Aug 16 2017
The doctor told me that I would have to get my younger cut out if I wanted to live.
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︎ Mar 23 2019
I almost couldn't live with myself after the first half of both of my feet were amputated...
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︎ Aug 11 2019
Live going to my salon
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︎ Aug 25 2018
My doctor told me I only have 2 months to live due to cancer.
So I killed that doctor and the court gave me a 20 years imprisonment.
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︎ Jul 07 2019
I decided to live more dangerously, so I took the rear-view mirror out of my car.
I've made my decision and there is no looking back.
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︎ Mar 23 2019
All my exes live in Texas.
Funny enough, so do all my cousins.
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︎ Apr 04 2018
I hate people that try to tell me how to live my life.
I knew I shouldn't have hired an editor to look at my autobiography.
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︎ Apr 16 2019
After watching Netflix's Super Monsters, my 4-yr old daughter asked me: "Where does Lobo (the werewolf) live?"
Me: I don't know, baby.. the monster house?
Her: No. That's wrong.
Me: A wolf den?
Her: No. You're wrong, daddy. He and his dad lives (sic?) in a werehouse!
Gotta say, I annoyingly fell for that one.
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︎ Feb 25 2019
In my twenties, I used to live in a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
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︎ Aug 27 2019
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