I broke my finger last week.
On the other hand, I’m okay.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night
My doctor says that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
The last thing my dad said to me before he kicked the bucket?
I wonder how far I can kick this bucket
I was trying to think of something funny to say about the last time I went to the pub with my mates...
But all I can think of are inn-jokes.
I got a girlfriend by pretending that I play football. My friends don't think it's going to last but I don't worry.
She thinks that I'm a keeper.
My deaf wife was talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eye out!
My neighbors had their ladder stolen last night.
We threw a house party that ended badly last night, my wife put her best friend in hospital with a single punch.
The worst fruit allergy I've ever seen.
My wife and I had a 2 hour argument last night because I "have no sense of direction"
So I packed all my stuff and right.
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket
"Do you wanna see how far I can kick that bucket?"
If I ever win a big monetary prize or inheritance, I'll change my last name to Bates.
My butler won't be amused though.
I showed up to my last job interview exhausted and stoned
I ran into my old barber today after going to a different guy for the last few months. He asked me why I’m not coming in to the shop anymore and I said,
“You just haven’t been cutting it lately.”
My monitor is on it's last legs
The start of my every last paragraph of my essays.
I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me..
"Would you stop shaking the fucking ladder?!"
Last night a thief entered my house looking for money
-What did you do?
-I started looking with him, I needed money
My wife accused me of taking the last donut
It’s true. I just ate the hole thing.
When I met my childhood bully last Friday, I was happy to learn he had double vision, because he always bullied me with my glasses. But then...
Watching my kid throw my brand new phone out the window is the last thing I wanted to see today...
"I caught two men in balaclavas breaking into my house last night," said my friend. "But they got away sadly."
"How do you know they were sad if they were wearing balaclavas?" I asked.
I woke up last night too the ghost of Gloria Gaynor by my bed
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I had this massive piece of steak on the barbecue last night. As it was cooking, the smell of the juices made my mouth salivate.
I had a thought. I wondered if vegetarians had the same effect, while mowing their lawn.
I had to undergo a 6 week course of radiotherapy last year on my salivary glands.
Every week, I had an appointment with a doctor where they would ask me about my health. They would ask me the same usual questions. This is how it would go:
Dr: Do you get a dry mouth?
Me: Yes but I drink water to compensate.
Dr: Any issues with hearing?
Me: Sorry?
Dr (louder): any issues with hearing?
Me: Beg your pardon?
Dr starts laughing
I ran into my nephew yesterday and said, “Wow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last.”
He said, “Nope. Still have two.”
My Vegan girlfriend left me over the meal I cooked last night.
What can I say? M'steaks were made.
My uncle died last week because the doctors couldn't figure out his blood type.
At least my uncle was being supportive as he kept on yelling, "Be positive!"
My wife is angry. Last night for my anniversary, I left the kids, snuck out with my ex-girlfriend, and we hooked up in the back seat like we used to.
She hates when I call her that.
I like to spend every day as if it’s my last.
Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.
I caught a man trying to break into my house last night. He was wearing football pads, swimming trunks, ice skates and holding a baseball bat.
I said, “Oi, what’s your game?”
My wife and I went to a local brewery last night. Said brewery has quite a few IPA style beers.
As we were leaving, wife says "Gee, they have a lot of feral cats."
I said "Surprised they don't have a lot of feral rabbits."
HUH?
Because of all the hops they use!
I overheard my wife complaining to her friends that I don’t last long enough in bed.
So I started taking melatonin. It helps.
Last night my wife asked if I had seen the dog bowl...
I said, "I didn't know he could!"
My Korean friend died last week...
Last night when exiting Disney, I asked my group if anyone remembered where we parked.
My son: “the parking lot”
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
Last night I accidentally superglued my thumb and forefinger together...
But don’t worry...it will be ok. 👌🏻
Last time I flew my plane a Navy pilot checked his speed right after me. Ground said he was doing 761 mph.
Knot gonna lie I think he was mach-ing me.
Last Thursday my son was moping around and I told him, if you think Thursdays are sad, just wait two more days. He asked why?
Because it'll be sadder day.
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
I play Chess regularly with my friend, but last time he suddenly said " let's make this interesting "...
..so we stopped and went home.
From my 7 yr just now: Dad, last night I dreamed I was swimming in orange soda.
Turns out it was just a Fanta-sea.
My doctor said that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go....
Do you know the last thing my father said to me before he kicked the bucket?
"Son, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
I broke my finger last week.
On the other hand, I'm okay.
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