I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside the house today and gave her one last chance...

Unfortunately, she blew it...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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Cremation is my last chance to have a smoking hot body.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mapguy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2018
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My dad is in the hospital and king of dad jokes.. I'd love to make him a little book

Hi! My dad had a heart attack last week, then went home, less than 12 hours later was back in with a one in a million fluke chance that he'd have complication. He's been in for a week now and was told he is nothing short of a miracle. I'm pregnant and can't really go see him often in ICU because of the very very sick people, but I wanted to do something special and thought i'd ask here. He is pretty down about the whole thing, usually pretty active guy keeping himself busy but I would love to create a little book for him to cheer him up. Nothing crazy but maybe some great jokes to keep him on the cheery side I might include a little art for him too with the joke. Thanks everyone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vulgarwanderer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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The one about the

Two horses are talking in a field. One starts telling a story about the races at sandown, where he was coming last with no chance, when all of a sudden he got this tingling feeling up his back. Went real fast, passed the others and won the race.

Other horse says 'that's amazing' same thing happened to me, I'm trailing the field, and I got a wierd tingle up my back, burst of energy and I won the race.

In the next field a greyhound is walking past, he says to the horses 'excuse me' I couldnt help but overhear your conversation, and I have to tell you that even I, at haydock got that tingle in my back, and won the race.

The one horse turns and says to the other...

'Fucking hell, a talking dog!'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
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When I die, I want to be cremated

Its my last chance to have a smoking hot body, and I don't plan on missing it

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/penny_eater
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2017
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Pun Puns

last time my coworkers had to suffer through my puns this time my poor cousin got to

-I feel some jokes a brewing, we got a 60% chance of punderstorms tonight

-I was just pundering, what you think of these jokes

-The guy on the football team with the best jokes is the punter

-What do you call a comedy metal band? Puntera

-I hope you punderstand these jokes

-I hope you're not sleepun through all these

-My Favorite pie is Punpkin

-These are pretty Punbeliveable ayy?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skatrumpet07
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2016
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Being single can be fun

Last week a wheel broke off my office chair and I kept it because I'm never one to pass on the chance for prop humor.

On Tuesday I got invited out with two of my friends to go grab a drink after work, I was told their girlfriends would be there too.

I pocketed my wheel and brought it with me to the bar, after a while when the couples started getting into their own chit chat I silently placed the wheel on the bar.

My friend asked me why there was a wheel on the bar and I told him "Oh, I'm just solidifying my spot as the fifth wheel."

I laughed and then died a little on the inside.

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πŸ“…︎ May 28 2015
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Introduced myself to the new bartender at work. Gave her solid gold, butt it went right over her head πŸ˜‘

On mobile sorry if errors. Context: I work in a bar. We hired a new girl, she came in right before it got busy. After two hours worked working together..

Me: "Sorry I didn't get a chance to properly introduce myself. I'm Max by the way....but that's not my real last nMe"

Her:"Hi, I'm Gabbi, wait, what?"

Me:"nevermind"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maxlifts
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2016
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I am so proud of myself.

We have a dog.

He does his business in a pen.

This pen needs to be cleaned out often because this dog is slightly touched in the head and has a habit of stepping in his own feces.

On the regular.

So... it's been getting dark out before I get home and I haven't had a chance to stay on top of the task.

Last night I grab a very small flashlight and go out to the pen to do a quick poop pickup.

2 minutes later I came back in the house, slammed the flashlight on the table and proclaimed to the rest of my family "I CAN'T SEE SHIT WITH THIS LIGHT"

dadjokes are all the better when you are the only one laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uncle_solf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2013
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Zebras

Was at dinner with my SO's parents tonight when the subject of exotic animal meat for consumption came up.

SO: I was hoping I could try Zebra while I was overseas last year but never got the chance.

SO's dad: yeah, I bet Zebra is chockfull of white meat, dark meat, white meat, dark meat, white meat....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefauxfinestfind
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2014
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I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance...

Unfortunately, she blew it!

πŸ‘︎ 173
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance

Unfortunately she blew it

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wattson86
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance...

Unfortunately, she blew it!

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
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I warned my daughter about blowing her whistle inside and gave her one last chance...

But she blew it

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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My boss warned me that I shouldn’t blow the whistle in the office anymore. He gave me one last chance.

But unfortunately, I blew it

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/varun_chakilam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
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I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance.

Unfortunately, she blew it.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
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